Magical.

Fun. Worthwhile. Love-filled. Amazing. Giddy. A few hours I will cherish forever.
All ways I will remember tonight.

Many know I am very anal about bedtime. 8pm is time for the boys to go down, then Bailey and I to cuddle while she nurses, then she goes down. Many nights I stress and get upset as Collin flat out refuses to go to bed, even if he is dead tired. Tonight was one of those nights.


Not too often there is something I have to get done after bedtime, but tonight (last night, as it's after midnight now..) was one of those nights. With Collin's party being tomorrow (today?) and me doing most of the baking myself, I had a lot to accomplish tonight. Normally I'd get upset, beg my husband to get Collin to sleep, and I'd be so flustered I'd screw up everything I needed to do.

Tonight was strangely different. Very welcomed, but different. Instead of bothering my tired husband, who was sound asleep on the couch, I let Collin come help. It may have been the best decision I've made in a very long time. We had so much fun just doing simple tasks. He enjoyed egg cracking. I didn't mind digging eggshells out of bowls. He helped pour, mix, measure. I laughed at his spills. He was in a silly mood, and making silly faces. I was silly as well. He and I both laughed so hard our bellies hurt. With the fits of giggles, and the quality time spent, I don't even mind the huge disaster my kitchen currently is. Collin has been more affectionate than usual lately, and tonight even more so. It seemed like every 5 minutes he was reaching for hugs, randomly planting soft little kisses on my arms and face, and telling me, "I love you Mommy."

It's not too often Collin and I get fun alone time. Our usual alone time is during Bailey's nap while Thomas is in school. We don't usually have anywhere near this much fun. We usually do his speech "homework" or other educational activities he enjoys, like working on learning to read and write the alphabet. Don't get me wrong we have a great time doing those things together but..tonight was so different. It was like there wasn't a care in the world. It was just Collin and I. And with three kids between 1 and 5, those feelings are a bit too rare for my taste.

After tonight (last night..) some things I've known really rang true. Like how it's okay to break the routines and rules sometimes. It's okay to let these kids make a mess. It's okay to let them stay up late every so often for some good old fashioned one on one time. It's okay to let each child believe they're your favorite. It's okay to sometimes take off the parent cap, and enjoy being their friend.

I cannot begin to express how much just baking with my boy tonight has affected me. It's as if I got a whole new glimpse on life. And I cannot wait to start spending more time alone with each of my children.

Another failed Birthday Party.

Collin's birthday party is fast approaching. It is this Sunday. We are still struggling with after-Christmas catch up, and Tom is laid off again. Unfortunately, between having to pay the rent this week and taking Collin out to celebrate yesterday, and grocery shopping, we are pretty much tapped out. This will be yet, another party I cannot provide for my children. Another party I have to count on my father to play the parental role.

I am so angry, bitter, and depressed right now. I am these kids mom. I am the one who is supposed to give them nothing short of the best. I am the one who is supposed to give them that fun-and-friend-filled day filled with games, activities, and cake. And as par with the tradition we formed, Collin will be getting the short end of the birthday party stick.

Thomas each year, has an amazing party with an excellent turn out. Almost everyone I know with kids shows up. We have a great time, the kids play as it's still summer, we have great food, great cake or cupcakes, and the kids walk away with stuffed goodie bags. Everyone always enjoys Thomas' parties.

Bailey has only had one so far, and it was not at bad as Collin's but not that fantastic either. I didn't spend any time at all with my children, or my husband. I was too busy rushing along everything in fear of everyone leaving before we got to the cake that took almost 8 hours to make. Everyone was cold, but we had no where indoors,  large enough for the amount of people we had invited. And just like Collin, other than Tom and my immediate family and my best friend, no one with kids came. I had 16 goodie bags, and so many kids cupcakes that I had to bring back home.

Both of Collin's parties while stress free have been awful. The first year, with a winter birthday we had to give him a two day party, one day for the kids we invited, and one for just the adults. Only half of the people we invited, came. I had counted on most, as that's what happened with Thomas' first two. Last year for his 2nd, only our immediate families came. No one else.

This year, again as it has been since the year he was born, money is practically non-existent. So many people knew my fear of no one showing and had promised they would make it. The party is Sunday, and only two of those people have RSVPed. We have yet to put the money down on the hall, and do not have it. My father, as usual will be taking care of that. Then, because it is in a hall, we need to provide activities and games for the kids, to keep them occupied. I had so many plans and ideas for a perfect Winter party and have no money to make any of them come true, even with how cheap they were. We have no money for goodie bags. No money for cake, of course my father will take care of that as well. And no money for the coffee and appetizers. We only want to do chips, and a few tray of veggies, fruits, meats and cheeses. Simply and not to expensive like Baileys, but again, have no cash.

My father has offered to put off paying his electric bill for another week to use his unemployment check on Collin's party. And I am very grateful for having parents who do care so much about providing for my children. While they won't get down and play with them, they will make sure they have everything the need.
Yet, as grateful as I am, I am angry and depressed, and just plain miserable about the whole thing. I am so beyond sick of having to rely on dear ol' daddy to take care of me and my children. I am sick of still needing him. I am so tired of not being able to provide 100% for my children.

I should just count my blessings and get over it. I mean, at least my children do get birthday parties. My niece and nephew (3 and 8 years old) have never once had a birthday party. At least until this year, when I celebrated them at Thomas and Bailey's parties.

And now I feel guilty. Guilty for not providing the best for my children. Guilty for not just being thankful for what help I do have.

Bailey's Birthday Bash-Finally!

I know I know... I put this off a whole week. I have not spent much time at all on the computer. I will tell you why in another post. Whenever I get to writing it! Oops... I am so sorry, I should be back to my regularly scheduled posting soon... As soon as the hubs is back at work, which should be tomorrow. It's a pretty big pay cut, but more than nothing. As long as we cut back on luxury's we should be good.


Bailey's party went without a hitch. Well there was one. Not many of the kids showed up. Eight of the fifteen I was counting on came. Five of those had to cancel last minute, and two of them-their father completely forgot and made other plans.

Bailey looked amazing in the outfit a dear Justmommies.com friend made. Due to wind and slightly chilly temps, I added a long sleeve shirt under her birthday onsie and a pair of leggings under her tutu, but she still looked great! Especially with the bow I had just found one day before her party.

My amazing cake decorator friend Katie and her sweet niece helped me decorate, which we did the best with the wind blowing everything down as fast as we could get it up. We made sure all the kids that showed had their name on a goody bag for when that time came.

Not having a meal worked out perfectly! We always have a lot of food, (burger and dogs with all the usual salads in the summer; baked ziti, meatballs, cold cuts, etc in the cooler months) but this time we stuck with snacks. Veggie platters, fruit platters, pepperoni cheese and crackers platter, jalapeno poppers, chips and dip, nacho's and salsa, was all that covered the table. I am very, very grateful to my parents for supplying the fruit, veggie, and cheese platters, and my aunt for bringing the poppers.

While everyone ate, I made my rounds socializing and the kids all played with the toys at my parents house. Bailey and Katie's son (just a few months older) fought over the purple car that we found months ago on the side of the road.

When the cakes were set up everyone ooh'ed and ahh'ed, exactly like I hoped for. I was so proud of the cake, cupcakes, and smash cake. My visions were brought to life perfectly. And while I did not do the icing, I did keep my tradition of making my children's 1st birthday cakes. I baked everything and added the candy bits, tiara's, and candle's. Katie took my wish of putting a "letter block" on the smash cake and totally rocked it. 

Because my niece's 3rd birthday was on the 6th and my in laws do nothing to celebrate birthday's, I had Katie ice one cupcake especially for Lizzie. Liz was given the only purple cupcake. Sadly, just like with my nephew, my sister in law did not show to see her daughter blow out candles for the 1st time or actually rip open wrapping paper for the 2nd time ever. (1st time was Christmas with the one gift we got her.) Breaks my heart.. Anyway, because I found Bailey's bow last minute, I let Lizzie wear Bailey's birthday hat. It matched her, and the cakes wonderfully. It did bug me that my daughter didn't wear the hat I bought her, but it made me so happy to see my niece's face light up when I gave her the "shiny" hat.

Tom held Bailey while we sang Happy Birthday to our princess and 'helped' her blow out her candles. It was so sweet watching them. I love those two so much.

Of my three children, Bailey was definitely the neatest with the smash cake. It took her a while to even touch it. She just sat there staring at it as if to say, "What am I supposed to do with this?" She eventually dug in, mainly eating the "B, 1 block" on top and just digging off the top of the main cake. She was so sweet! Only got a few spots of frosting on her actual outfit! I was originally going to undress her but it was too chilly and I didn't have anything cute other than her other birthday outfit she was supposed to wear after cake. (Didn't happen) Now the smash cake pictures I know we are all waiting for! 

First tastes.

Only two real messes; her hands and face.

My big girl using a spoon.

(Clear shot of her 1st tooth, the top right.)

My favorite; digging in.

After the cake mess was cleaned up we did presents as the few guests we had were starting to leave. Lizzie opened her two presents 1st and her face lit up when she opened the Snow White dress up doll set Tom and I got her. The only photo I have though is her opening the present my parents got her. Not even my in laws brought her (or Bailey, or anyone ever, unless you count hand me downs and good will finds in a plastic shopping bag) a gift to open on what we tried to make her day as well. I am not usually this angry about people not bringing gifts. In fact I usually ask people to bring a dish in lieu of gifts. It just bothers me that my in laws always ask us to purchase gifts and other needs for these two kids, but only ever give my kids old clothes, that they never had new to begin with, including old used toddler underwear with actual poop still attached. Yes, call me materialistic but if you are going to ask someone to buy a gift for your kid/grandkid, at least give that kid a gift instead of wasting all your money on Wendy's and booze.

Bailey could care less about the gifts, although she did enjoy the bows and paper. I am so grateful for all the clothes my daughter received! This poor girl had almost nothing in her correct size! I can finally pack away all the 3-6 month stuff that she is still wearing! (She can still fit in a lot of it..) The three toys she did get, she loved. Stacking rings, a musical butterfly she already had in a different color with working batteries, a play cell phone, and this leapfrog reading thing, that plays music, reads a story as you press the buttons, and names, shapes, colors, numbers, and letters. She was also given two pairs of sneakers. One she can wear now, from us, and one she will be wearing in a few weeks from my Aunt-the surrogate Nana I've mentioned in previous posts. And her favorite gifts of all were the 2 books she was given, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star (collection of nursery rhymes and lullabies) and Brown Bear, Brown Bear; a new family favorite.

 

After presents Bailey just sat, relaxed, and then climbed on a chair while Mommy packed up everything that had to go into the van.

At this time all that was remaining were the two sets of grandparents, and maybe two other people, with out kids. So we finished the clean up, hung out with our parents for a bit, and left. We arrived home at 7 pm, and Bailey was out cold. Would not wake to eat whatsoever, didn't even wake when we changed her diaper. She even slept through the night! She was pooped! 

Mommy was pooped as well! Between not going to bed until almost 4 am on Saturday night (Sunday Morning?) and getting up early for the party, I was exhausted. I ended up in bed by 11 pm Sunday night (early for me) and sleeping straight until just after 11 the next morning. So glad for Columbus Day and for Tom being home and getting up with the kids.

I do wish I spent more time with the kids enjoying myself, or at least taking pictures, but everyone was in a rush from the moment they got there that I just tried to keep food/cake/presents flowing to get it all done. This was our shortest birthday party ever and I do not remember much of the in between food parts at all. And while this is common with me, I do not have many pictures to look back at. They are all of decorations, cakes, and Bailey eating.. I hope in the future this good enough for her to look back on. I know she definitely enjoyed herself, and, well, that is all that matters. 

Long, Long Day!!

First of all, I am exhausted! In the wee hours of Saturday morning, Thomas had a really bad nightmare, waking me up by screaming bloody murder from his bed. My heart stopped. What a scary moment to hear your child scream, "Mommy! Help me!" on the top of his lungs while crying hysterically. Thomas only ended up sleeping another 30 or so minutes, around 6:30 am, which means mommy barely got any sleep. Especially considering I hadn't gone to bed the night before until almost 2 am....

Then Saturday we ran around all day getting the last few things for Bailey's party. After dinner and bedtime, I baked cakes and cupcakes. Katie came over after work and showed me up by decorating Bailey's cakes like a pro! (Still sorry, I messed up the icing on some spots packing everything to get to my parents....) Katie didn't finish until 3 am..

I got up late this morning, 9 am, but was still exhausted! But sleep was not an option. I made sure the van was loaded with everything we needed. All three kids were dressed and in the van by 12:30. I had to decorate my parents backyard before the party began at 2!

We didn't get back home until 7 pm. Bailey fell asleep in the van and is currently in bed. Morning is going to come way too soon with her going to bed this early!

I have to thank an amazing JM mommy for Bailey's adorable, perfect birthday outfit. Katie for Bailey's amazing cakes, and making my smash cake dream a reality! Katie again for providing the goodies for the goody bags, my Daddy for the local, platters, and helping with the clean up. Thank you Auntie Julie for brining a dish. And thank you so much for those who came to celebrate my sweet princess on her special day.

I am too tired to do it now, and this is already taking forever, but Bailey's Birthday Bash and Pictures from our day will be shared soon! Be on the look out!!

And I will leave you with one little teaser:

Finally....Bailey's Birthday

On Saturday (Or was is Sunday??) I said within the next day or so I'd post about Bailey's birthday. It's been almost a week and I have yet to post. And with her party coming this Sunday, I thought I'd get on the ball.

Bailey woke at the butt-crack of dawn on her birthday. As she nursed, I laid with my eyes closed treasuring her still baby smell. I caressed her back, arms, and legs. I ran my fingers through her little bit of hair. Periodically I bent my neck to kiss her head. It was a moment I want to remember always. I did it. I have officially nursed my daughter for one whole year.

While laying there, I remembered her very first feeding. I remembered the moments when she was first placed upon my belly, into my arms. I've realized little bits and pieces of her 1st week, which was spent in the hospital, are starting to fade. The whole labor and delivery is still there, but the next day.. I don't remember that 1st full day of her life at all. Not one bit. I only remember little bits and pieces from those 5 days in the small room for mom's who have been discharged before their new baby. I don't remember much of anything from those 1.5 days in my actual room, except my lobster dinner. All I can remember is being anxious and worried about not having my pump when I was discharged, and nursing and sleeping with Bailey.

Sadly, I had a repeat with Bailey. When Collin reached his 1st year and I realized I couldn't recall anything except what was written down or in pictures before his 8th month, which is when I got clean. And now Bailey I feel I let her down as well. Only with her, I have very few pictures, nothing written down for months 2-6. I suffered quietly with P.P.D. again. It hurts me to know Thomas' 1st year is the only one I have plenty of happy memories of. So Saturday morning, I took my time getting up. I let Bailey crawl all over me after she was done nursing. We sat in bed and sang songs. I tickled her sweet chub. I held her tight. I want to remember Saturday morning forever.

Finally when Tom got up we were able to open Bailey's presents. Bailey received the most adorable pink and black outfit from my (mom's) cousin Dee. I loved it! Totally my colors, which happen to look amazing on Miss Bailey. Dee also sent along the cutest little doll. Which Collin has made into his baby. The boys, hubs, and I gave her a little musical tea set and a book that reads the words and plays music. Bailey loves books.

Thomas was supposed to have soccer at 10:30 so I took Bailey with us, only to find out it was cancelled. Since the playground we love is in the same local as the fields, I took my youngest and oldest to play. Bailey loved the swings and slides. As always. 

Over the course of the past couple of weeks I have been tucking away any loose cash Tom leaves around. He knew I was doing it, and what it was going for so I think that is why I ended up with just enough for my needs wants. Thomas, Bailey, and I went to the party store and got the decorations I have been wanting for 4 years. Ha ha! 

When we arrived Tom had snacks, water, and the diaper bag packed, as well as Collin and himself ready to go. We heading to a local park to go hiking. Bailey hadn't napped yet and it was well passed her nap time so as soon as she was placed in the Moby wrap she fell right to sleep. She didn't even mind the blaring sun. It had been months since she had napped while in it. 

Bailey slept until the last stretch up the mountain.

 When she woke, every one we had passed was talking to her and her big brothers. Commenting on how adorable she is. Commenting on what beautiful children we have. Commenting on how we finally got a girl. Commenting on how we had our hands full. 

Usually when someone says that, which happens a lot once you have more than 2 I have noticed, usually I just laugh and smile, and say "yeah" or something. Finally, one year and nine months of hearing about my full hands I had the perfect reply. "Yes, full of love." I know so mushy.. but apparently I said it. I don't remember saying it, but I am told I did.

Finally we reached castle at the top, enjoyed some healthy snacks, climbed to the top of the castle, drew in the dirt. Just played around. The boys loved it. Bailey enjoyed being able to walk around. Of course we received many more comments about her walking and how cute she was. Basically we just enjoyed the crisp fall air. It was beautiful out.

 As we were about to hike to the bottom, Bailey began to fuss a bit. Back in the Moby she went, where she then nursed the whole hike down. We even were graced with the presents of a Spanish family. The father was fascinated by finally seeing a women nursing her child in the States. Apparently neither he or his wife I have seen anyone breastfeed in public since moving to the states.

Once we arrived home, Tom took the kids in while I ran to by a small, inexpensive cake for Bailey after dinner. My closest friend and her daughter came by to sing to Bailey and help us get rid of the cake.
Bailey loved her cake. I cut her a pretty large slice which she demolished! As soon as I placed it on her high chair tray, she picked the whole thing up in both hands and began chowing down!

Now we are prepping for Bailey's Birthday Bash. Special thanks to my parents, and my dearest friend Katie for helping us give our daughter the best birthday we can give. Bailey and I thank you from the bottom of our heart.


Well, I finally shared! I know I have been posting a lot about Bailey's Birthday, but after Sunday's festivities I will be done. At least until January when I can reminisce Collin's past (almost) three years.

Hope you enjoyed! 

Hosted by Cecily and Mary

Chuck E. Cheese, Dope Sick, and Photography.

It's that time of the week again! Head over to The Un Mom and get Random!

Well, I still haven't posted about Bailey's 1st Birthday. I had a very busy weekend filled with celebrating her birthday on Saturday, then going to Hell Chuck E Cheese on Sunday to celebrate a very special 6 year old's birthday. The kids had an absolute blast! Even if mommy did leave with the world's worst migraine that a Ibuprofen 800mg couldn't even touch. I cannot believe 20 tokens for each boy lasted for 3 hours! Thanks to Collin playing a machine that had no tickets, and mommy speaking up, we got an extra 550 tickets! One employee filled the machine for us and told us the tickets coming out were ours for the take! All 550 tickets! The boys ended up with 808 total, so this was an awesome surprise! Bailey loves the little pink stuffed ball she left with. Bailey had a blast crawling all around, playing in the toddler zone, riding with Chuck E and a couple other "rides". My Aunt Alice was there, she has basically become the surrogate Nana of the family. She spend the whole time playing with the kids trying to get a picture with each great niece and nephew there. All Nana's great grand children at the party. Totally melted my heart! Best part of the whole day! I was asked to photograph the party and am devastated with the results! I don't know if it was the lighting, my switching from Manual to Aperture Priority or what, but I hated most of the pictures. Fortunately the parents are happy with the results. That's all that matters.. Right?! 

(Click to enlarge)

After a weekend of total chaos, I've been feeling pretty cruddy.. Not like getting sick cruddy, but actually feeling dope sick. Not a feeling I'd wish on my biggest enemy! (That is if I had one..) Just overly sore, feeling super lazy and tired, with no desire to get anything done, though the house is trashed after such a weekend. I'm freezing like you wouldn't believe and cannot stop sweating. I hate feeling like this, all I can think is if I just got a hold of one bag all this pain and misery would go away as soon as the plunger is pressed. Stupid thoughts. Go away. 

Last Tuesday I mentioned a Craigslist ad for someone to photograph a birthday party. Well I never gotten a reply. Whatever. I didn't think I would get the gig anyway. I'm just upset the lady didn't at least write me back saying the spot has been filled, or I wasn't what she was looking for. Anything would have been better than no reply at all.. 

Another cousin wants me to photograph her daughter when the foliage peaks, then her family when we get a good snow. I am dreading the snow pictures! If anyone has any tips on getting good family portraits in the snow and how to avoid big poofy jackets.. Let me know! Heck any tips on photographing someone other than my own children would be nice! 

How's that for random? Trust me I got more but I won't bore you any more. 

Happy Birthday sweet Princess

I have been wanting to write this blog post for days, yet continued to wait until her actual birthday. Now, I am just too tired! I have pictures to go through and video's to watch, and I am exhausted. We went shopping for birthday party decorations this morning and hiking this afternoon. Then this evening our favorite friends came over to sing happy birthday and eat cake. It was a beautiful day, even if now my feet and back are killing me. I need better supporting sneakers! I will post the best photo's and videos tomorrow. But for tonight, I will share Bailey's 1st birthday montage I finished last week and have been waiting for today to share here. And few quick snap shots.

Happy 1st Birthday to the sweet little lady of the house, Bailey Grace. One year ago at roughly this time, I was cuddling up with you. You weren't even 2 hours old. I stared at you in awe. I couldn't believe you were mine for the keeping. Now, everything before you are just distant memories. You made our family complete, though I yearn for another pregnancy and birth, I am so very content to say you are my last child. You really  did round out our family, adding in your own little bit of sass. Watching you go from a little baby to a little girl is amazing. I was always afraid of having a little girl, but with that little girl being you, I will make it. You are my light. You are my heart. I love you.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl.