Guilt

With my daughter's birthday soon approaching, guilt has begun to overcome me. October 3th, 2006 is not a day I will soon forget. It still haunts me. I still miss my baby I never got to hold.

When struggling with figuring out my due date early on in my last pregnancy, I only had one thought: Do not let it be on CBM's day. Do not let it be October 3rd. Of course it did end up being October 3rd; because, well that's my luck.

Being on Methadone, I let the date slip my mind. I would still be a day to remember CBM because Bailey was going to come before her due date. Most methadone babies come early. Then September 30th came. And I knew, Bailey's soon to be birthday would forever be bitter sweet. Mourning one child while celebrating another.

Bailey came just 3 hours and 9 minutes before her due date. I was convinced that night I was not going to remember my angel the next day.

Yet, I did remember. And I cherished my newborn baby girl so much more. I held her tight and cried. For my child who I never got to hold, and for her. I was so grateful just to have her with me.

It has been not quite 4 years since that dreadful day and it still saddens me just as much as it did then. Yet, it does so much more now. I no longer just weep and mourn for my child, as I had done the first two years. I now take my thoughts of my precious Angel, and focus my attention on the children who are here with me. I will do right by them, in honor of CBM. I will cherish my three Angel's who are here with me day by day. I will remember to not take them for granted. I will do my best to provide them with as much love as I can muster. And when there is a difficult day, I will try to remember my short time carrying CBM and focus my energies on Thomas, Collin, and Bailey. I owe it to CBM.

I may not have known your gender,

I may not have felt your touch.

But I will always remember. 

I will always love you, so very much.

Today, One Year Ago-Take 3.

 

I am not too sure about one year ago today as September 2009 was such a busy month! Between Thomas starting preschool, me being in the home stretch of my pregnancy with Bailey, field trips, birthdays parties, and more, busy is an understatement!

I do remember Thomas having his very 1st field trip this week last year, and his family getting to join him.

We went to a local orchard with the school. Pumpkin picking, apple picking, a hay maze and hay ride. It was an amazing day I love to look back on.

Do you want to look back on our family's amazing day? Of course you do! 

Good moms v Bad Moms

Quite a few women I know on JM have been having pregnancy and infant losses. These women have proven time and time again what wonderful mothers they are. They have the strength, maturity, and assets for their unborn child. Yet their child is taken away from them. Some fight for years to have one child, and time and time again their dreams are shattered. Some aren't even trying to conceive but when they do, they are happy and plan on providing nothing but the best for their unborn. Some after suffering such a loss can't get pregnant again either from the physical or mental stresses and fight so hard to adopt. These women just wait for their child to finally be in their arms.

Then you have these other women. Women who have nothing that belongs to them, women who everything they have is owned or was given to them by their parents or others. Women who choose sex, drugs, and alcohol over their own children time and time again. Women who rely on and make their parents raise their children. Women who will have their older child care for and do everything for the younger. Women who shouldn't every have a child but do and instead of giving this precious life to another who will and can love and support them, these women keep these poor children and let them suffer.

At one point, though it was only for 6 or so months, I was that other woman. I did spend a bit a time choosing heroin over my boys. I did rely on my parents to shelter, feed, and provide my children. But even as a heroin addict I made sure to show my children how much I loved them, not as much as I do when clean, but still I hugged and kissed and said I love you numerous times a day. I still sat on the floor playing games and reading books. The mothers I am referring to are the ones who choose going out to a bar or a movie or just a friends house over staying at home with their children, not just one night here and there, but night after night after night. The mothers I am referring to are the ones who only change a diaper or feed their child when their parents are at work and are not home.

I hope to never be that mother again, even just a little bit.

I am just so heartbroken right now. I have it so easy when it comes to pregnancy. Yes I have had a loss and yes it still hurts, but I get pregnant so easily and have had (almost) all perfect pregnancies. I would love to carry a child for a woman like this, or donate an egg or two, to do something. 

I truly hope all these women will have their child in their arms soon. And these other women grow up and take responsibility for their own children.

The birth of Bailey Grace M.

(Warning: Extremely long.)

On Friday, October 2nd, 2009 I had woken up in a kinda down state of mind. Upset that on the day before my due date, I was still not in labor. I had a 10:15 non-stress appointment, and nothing else going on. Through out the morning leading up to my appointment I had felt as if my water was leaking, I was leaking urine, or I was leaking a heck of a lot more discharge than normal. On the ride up to Milford, I had two or three contractions, nothing new, they were actually a heck of a lot more mild than what I had been used to for the past however many weeks.

While at the OB office, I mentioned my leakage and we scheduled an additional appt. for noon since that was when the on call OB, Dr. F, would be available. The non-stress test was perfect. Baby Bailey moved enough for it to only last 15 minutes. during that 15 minutes I had two contractions. Again super, super mild. At this point Tom had started to mess with my head. Telling me it was the day. We drove home to get Collin and back to the OB office by noon. I was contracting every 7-15 minutes and they were so painless it was strangely awkward. Because they were coming so sporadically and were so painless I just knew it was just braxton hicks contractions. Dr. F. checked me and I wasn't leaking, just had a "normal increase in vaginal mucosa." While down there he also checked my cervix. Just like my regular OB had said on Tuesday, 1 cm, 50%, extremely soft, and very high. Tom told Dr. F. that we would be calling him later that afternoon or early evening. Told him I was indeed in labor and in denial. The doc laughed him off, as did I.

We took off to grab lunch, Taco Bell-another online myth to start labor. We came home and I ate, still contracting super mildly. Contractions where steadily coming every 7-9 minutes. Tom went to pick up Thomas from school.

3:05 p.m. We decided to go for our daily, hour long family walk. Collin got in his "car," Thomas on his bike and off we went.

As we walked I would have a contraction, I would mention it to Tom but kept walking and talking through it. After a few minutes I would either say I was having another or would say "it's been a while since I had one," then immediately have one right then. By the time we got back to our block I was getting really aggravated with Tom. He was singing "Going to the hospital" instead of "Going to the chapel." Though the contractions where now 5-7 minutes apart and finally at the point where I had to stop every thing and get into a squatting position. Four houses from ours, a neighbor saw me squatting and breathing through the pain and offered a ride home, which I denied and laughed about.

4:04 p.m. I started timing the contractions on paper. Tom shaved, showered and got dressed. We packed the boys some clothes. I called my father to make sure he was ready to go to the hospital to take care of the boys when they couldn't be in the room with me. I showered and shaved, and painted my toes while breathing through the pain.

5:00 p.m. I called the OB office. The answering service of course picked up and took my name, 411, and phone number.

5:15 p.m. We were out the door, still waiting for Dr. F to return my call. I called the office again and told them he had not called back and I was heading to the hospital. The 30 minute drive to the hospital was hell and not even because of the contractions! But because Tom was rushing. I swear instead of breathing I was screaming slow down..

5:45 p.m.We arrived at the hospital 105 minutes after I admitted to being in labor. We went to registration to get my bracelet and to check in. I could have killed the lady there. She called L&D and actually had the balls to say to them that she didn't think I wasn't really in labor. I can't help it if I try my hardest to not let people see me in pain. Thank goodness this wasn't like with Collin and Thomas with contractions every 2-3 minutes upon arrival. At this point my contractions were extremely steady at 6-7 minutes apart.

5:56 p.m. We get up to the childbirth center and immediately I am handed my lovely gown. My parents arrived 5 minutes later to take the boys. This was it. I was going to meet my little girl in a few hours. I was actually starting to panic at this point. I had been trying so hard to get her out and now I was petrified of meeting her. Afraid of how exactly the methadone would affect her.

At this point I was in pain. Obviously. So I told the nurses and my husband, while I am contraction to not under any circumstance talk to me or touch me. I told He is to be at my side, hand in mine, while I got through them.

I was then asked to get into bed so they could hook me up to the monitors and check my cervix. Through out this time I had been randomly tweeting about everything that was going on.

(Look at left hand, see phone.)

6:21 I was 5-6 cm dilated. The nurse couldn't find my cervix at 1st it was so high up. After being told where I was, I immediately asked for the epidural despite Tom's protest and telling me I could do without. Yes, I wanted a natural birth since based on my experience it is an easier recovery than with the epidural. Oh freaking well! I agree I could have gone with out it, especially since my contractions were still steadily coming every 6-7 minutes. Downfall is they would last 2.5-3 minutes each. I thought they were long, but when the nurses told me they were lasting that long....I freaked.

7:07 p.m. checked again. 7 c.m. and totally discouraged I am not closer to 10, especially since I went from 4-10 in 45 minutes with Collin.. The anesthesiologist came, explained all the facts, side effects, risks, etc. I didn't want to hear it. I just wanted relief. He couldn't believe how much pain I claimed to be in, since I hadn't had a contraction yet while he was in the room. He started to administer it, and got as far as the numbing stuff and the catheter in when a contraction struck. He could not believe how long it had last. He and my nurse kept talking about how they never seen a woman have a contraction last as long as this one. It lasted over 4 minutes according to the monitor and was off the charts.

8:13 p.m. Finally he was able to finish. Unfortunately he went a bit to the left and I had a small window where it didn't take on the right side. It felt like a runners cramp when I had a contractions so I was totally fine with it. Tom went to check on the boys and to go to the vending machines to find them snacks for dinner since we managed to forget to feed them or bring something for them.

The kids, my parents, and shockingly my mother in law came in the room (When she got there I don't know, but I could not believe she was there. She had never came to the hospital to see me or my kids.) My boys where awesome, so excited about their sister coming.

8:43 p.m. The nurse went to check me, and without touching me, she told me she could see my daughter's head. She actually asked if they were sure of my due date since based on the amount of vernix. I didn't believe her so and couldn't see myself so....using my cell phone I snapped a photo. She was right. I could not believe it. It looked like I had a really really bad yeast infection inside my hoo-ha. I immediately freaked, thinking she was just going to slip out since I had no feeling whatsoever down there. I was petrified Tom was not going to make it back to the room in time. Within two minutes the nurse disassembled my bed, Tom entered the room, we told him it was time, and he got the camera's and baby book ready.

8:49 p.m. Everyone got into position I was told to give a slight push so they could get an idea of how long it would take. I did as told and everyone in the room gave quick estimates on when she would be born. Tom was closest with a guess of 8:55, I was the furthest, based on the fact that during the test push I could not feel myself pushing and felt as if I had just strained my face instead of pushed, I guess 9:30ish.

8:50 p.m. Began pushing. "1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10; 1..2..3..4..5..6..7"

8:51 p.m. Dr. F, Tom and the nurse began screaming at me to stop. I was thinking the absolute worst. Something had to have been wrong. Why would they stop counting at 7 and tell me to stop. It had to be something seriously obvious if Tom was telling me to stop as well. What could be wrong that he knows?

She was out! Counting the test push she was out in 3 pushes. I had not felt the "ring of fire" of her head coming out. I didn't feel the intense urge to push the rest of her body out. I did not feel her come out even in the slightest bit. Thank you epidural!

Tom cut her cord and Bailey was placed on my belly. Though she was covered in the most cheesy goo I had every seen, I could not believe how beautiful she was. At that point, I could not believe she wasn't identical to the boys. I could not believe my eyes. She is here. She is mine. She is my daughter.

After things settled down from her birth, Tom and I just stared at her in amazement. I nursed her within the hour of her birth and she latched right on and nursed for just over 30 minutes total. It was beautiful. Tom held her and stared into her eyes with awe. He had his little girl. Being as he was not there for his eldest child this was very hard for him. Bittersweet. My boys love her more than I expected. Especially Collin. Again, just like with Thomas when he was born, I was expecting fits of jealousy. I was expecting him to have total dislike for Bailey. Instead he constantly wants to hold her, feed her, burp her, change her, and give her the bink. Thomas as well. I am nursing her then pumping and giving her whatever I pumped by bottle. Thomas does most of those feedings. I think he loves feeding her more than most parents enjoy feeding their kids.

Looking back at the 1st week, I cannot believe it has already come and gone. Yet, during that week, it felt as if it dragged on forever. Bailey stayed in the hospital 7 long days. We got very lucky and she was able to stay in Milford Hospital the entire time. She needed no medical intervention to help with the withdrawal at all. Only thing she needed was extra cuddles. Her symptoms where minor, yet plentiful. Watery stool, increased respirations (more than 60 breaths/min), nasal stuffiness, excessive & continuous high pitched cry, sleeping less than 1 hr after feedings, mild tremors when disturbed, fever, frequent sneezing (more than 4-5 times/interval), excessive sucking, poor feeding after the 1st 24 hours (especially when nursing) were the signs she was showing.

The nurses all loved her, instead of letting her fuss in her bassinet in the nursery they held her almost every moment I wasn't able to be with her. Every time I walked into the Mat. ward I would walk in on a nurse sitting behind the nursing station doing their work with Bailey in their arms. It was sweet. The hospital was super kind, after I was discharged on Sunday they moved me out of my L&D room and into a smaller room for mommies whose babies aren't able to come home right away. They only have 2 of these rooms, so I was greatful Bailey was the only baby whose mommy wasn't a patient. They also provided me with snacks, drinks, and 3 meals a day. The entire staff was amazing.

Bailey came home Friday, and has mostly slept since then. It seems she is the complete opposite of Thomas and Collin. She is very rarely just awake. Always wanting to eat when she is awake. And if not eating she is screaming. Mostly though she just sleeps. Especially from 7 until whatever time I decide to head to bed. I am so in love with my little screaming monster. I love being a mommy to a little girl. She is just so beautiful and sweet. I love her with my entire being. With everything I am. And more.

I guess that's it. The entire birth story plus a little extra. I cannot believe it took me this long to write. I usually have these typed up within an hour or so of being home.

Here are the rest of the photo's from Baileys birth, hospital stay and 1st couple days home. And the rest of the videos we had took.

http://s985.photobucket.com/albums/ae333/theresnoeggs/BaileyGrace/

Bailey was born at 7 lbs 6 oz 20.5 inches long, her apgars were 9/9 just like her big brother Thomas. When she was discharged she was 6 lbs 7 oz. Monday she was up to 6 lbs 10 oz. We cannot wait until Thursday to see how much she has gained!

Officially Full Term

Yep I am full term 37 weeks and 1 day today! I am so excited to make it to full term, considering the many many contractions I have had over the past 18 or so weeks <_< :lol:

Now, all I need to do is make it past Tuesday's appointment and I guess I am ready to go! At my last u/s she was measuring a couple ounces shy of 7 lbs, and that was two weeks ago. (yes I know it can be way off!)

In the past few days I have put together her bassinet, washed all of her clothes and folding and put away all the NB and 0-3 mo stuff. I still have to put her swing together but am waiting for the last minute due to the kitty. I packed my bag as well, but it was strange not packing her bag as well, since she won't be coming home with me. I have also cleaned my bedroom more than I have done since the day my parents moved and cleaned the living room and scrubbed the kitchen and bathroom.

I would love to say the nesting phase has finally kicked in, but it hasn't this wasn't all done because of an intense urge like the boys, it was done because I am petrified of going into labor today at Thomas' birthday party, don't ask why, just a feeling I have had since the beginning of the pregnancy. Also, done because this place was disgusting and I had no choice but get it done.. I hadn't done a decent cleaning in months..

All that's left besides figuring out the delivery is calling my insurance company to find out the details of the breast pump. My plan is to call Monday morning.

I am still feeling cruddy. Having contractions every 20 minutes or so daily, then every 3rd or 4th day they get 10x worse and come every 3 minutes convincing myself I am in labor then going away.. Hemorrhoids just made a disgusting appearance. Today I have had really dull yet persistent cramping, starting in my back and radiating to my lower abdomen all the way down into my crotch.. My girly parts feel like I had really, really rough sex last night. Whenever I go from sitting to standing it feels as if Bailey is just going to fall out, thats how crazy the pressure is. I never felt that with the boys.

Pain. Earth shattering, mind-blowing pain.

Around 5:30ish this morning I woke up in the worst pain of my life. I am talking breath-taken, body crushing pain that just prevents you from doing anything but curling up in the fetal position and screaming in pain. It was like someone was standing on my uterus, while it was being stretched and pounded like pizza dough. This intense pain was so bad, all I kept thinking to myself was, "How did I labor for so long at home with Thomas? How did I go out to eat while in labor with Collin? How in the world did I give birth to Collin without any drugs at all?!" I was/am seriously doubting my ability naturally birth Bailey. I mean, if I can't even deal with supposedly normal pregnancy cramping, how in the world can I get through labor and delivery? Darn it, I needed that epidural this morning!

I strangely thought it was because I had to pee so bad, so I dragged my screaming pain filled self to the bath room, yet it hurt just to sit, hurt to pee, hurt to get up. Walking back to the bedroom I was still in pain, yet it wasn't as bad as it was while I was in the bathroom. It finally went away after a total of about 3-4 minutes.
Then about 5 minutes later, this excruciating pain comes back. Again I am screaming in pain. Now Tom is worried, asking if it is the gas pains I have been dealing with for a few weeks or a contraction or what. He didn't know if he should hold me, touch me, talk to me, ignore me, what. After about 2-3 minutes gone again.
Then scaring the crap out of Tom and myself, returned again 5 minutes later, accompanied by the intense urge to vomit. A feeling I am quite used to at this point. Yet, this is the very first time I have actually gotten sick first thing in the morning, despite the term morning sickness. This time, since I had to vomit while in so much pain I had to sit up, hunched over my best friend in the world, my puke bucket. It was the only position I found to help alleviate the pain. After about 2 minutes of the pain, it went away. I finally stopped throwing up, not that there was anything in me to come up. I was so afraid of laying back down. Afraid for my life, my daughter's life. Yes, the pain was that bad!
Now like clock-work, the intense cramping pain comes back. I scream again while tears stream down my face. Should I call the doctor? Should I wait? If I do call the doctor will it go away the minute I get off the phone with him, like every other time? This "contraction" or whatever it was was the easiest to get through. It only lasted about a minute.
I sat up on the side of my bed hunched over for nearly ten minutes awaiting another burst of pain. It didn't come.

I finally gained the courage to lay back down, petrified that I would have another since they were worse when I was horizontal. They didn't return, thank goodness!
I went back to sleep until about 10:45 when I was awoken by another sharp mind blowing pain, fortunately it wasn't as bad at earlier this morning. I had about 3 of these pains between 10:45-11:20ish.
And now, just as I started typing this, I have another one, so about 15 minutes ago. Just the one.. Nothing since.

All I ask for is one week without anything to worry about regarding this pregnancy. Between not even knowing I was pregnant at first. Not being able to find a heart beat. Then cranial cysts. Morning sickness so bad they were contemplating hospitalizing me. Constipation so bad I would go 1-3 weeks with out a bowel movement. Intense cramping like today, where I thought I was losing her between 16-20 weeks. Daily braxton hicks contractions. Spotting...

Please Bailey, let me go through the rest of this pregnancy pain and problem free. Please.
Is this a sign of whats to come? Am I going to be stuck with a daughter who gets pleasure out of frightening her mommy? Am I going to be stuck with a daughter who behaves like I did?

28 weeks and the glucose screening

Well this week I am 28 weeks. My BFF Katie, had her son at 37 weeks early Friday morning. David Gordan the third came into the world at 5 lbs 12 oz.
Before she had him, I was happy being pregnant. No where near ready for Bailey to make her way into this world. I was happy having her all to myself, in utero.
Now.... I am anxious and somewhat ready to have my little girl here. I am so excited about going into labor, delivering, and seeing my daughter. My daughter.. That still seems so weird to say. I have been a mother of boys for almost 4 years now. I am beginning to worry about raising a girl. My two biggest concerns are changing a female diaper and her growing up. The diaper changing thing may sound funny but I am so beyond serious. I mean, boys the biggest concern is the circumcision healing. After that it is all just wiping the outside. There are no folds to worry about getting poo in. I am petrified of changing my daughter.
Then there is the fact that she will be a teenager one day.. I think about how I was pregnant at the young age of 13. I think about all the wrongs I was doing at 13, running away from home, being a whore, dating 20+year old men. Man.. No wonder my parents kicked me out when I was 13.. I put them through hell. Granted if it weren't for my behavior and getting myself kicked out, I would not have began dating my husband, 20 years old at the time, but I would not have been given the children I have, and am about to have. I truly hope we raise her right and with more morals and respect for herself than I have had.

Today I did my glucose screening. My morning sickness is at its worst since the 1st trimester, so it was a real challenge to keep that gunk down for an hour. I threw up the minute I got home. Eww. Thursday is my next regular OB appointment. After that I will be going in every two weeks.

I guess I am in the home stretch now huh?

100 Days to go!

24 and 25 weeks.
Just 100 short days until my due date. I cannot believe I am already almost 26 weeks. 1 weeks 2 days until the 3rd trimester! Lucky me.

Bailey is all of a sudden a very active little girl. Boy 0h boy she does not stop! I cannot believe her little toes are already way up near my ribs. I cannot believe how much higher she is than the boys. It is crazy that just 2-3 weeks ago, I was worried I would never feel her move, just like Collin, but instead she is just as active as Thomas. It just took her longer to make her presence known. Between her sharp jabs and kicks, and the constant hiccups, I really am in heaven. I am loving every single moment of feeling my little girl inside me. At night, when everyone in the house is sleeping, I cannot help by lay there with my hands on my tummy, smile wide across my face, just falling so deeply and madly in love with this being I have yet to meet.

Thomas is getting more and more anxious as the weeks go by. He really wants to meet his baby sister. He asks almost daily if she can "come out now." It breaks my heart to see him lower his eyes to the ground and say "oh."

Tom and I are really having a hard time with this pregnancy. All I ever want to do is sleep. All day, all night. I do not want to be on the computer. I do not want to watch television. I do not want to do to work. I do not even want to play with my boys. Tom has been doing a lot of side work. Then when he comes home, he has to cook, clean, take care of the kids, all because I do nothing. If I am not at work, I am sitting on the couch trying not to fall asleep or in bed sleeping.
Between the fatigue and the morning sickness still kicking my butt..well, lets just say, I am not someone my kids or husband want to spend time with. Fortunately my wonderful husband has been just that. Wonderful. He barely complains at all, which is causing my feelings of guilt to grow even larger and to begin taking over my thoughts. I know things will get better, easier, I just happen to be the worlds most impatient person and I want to be "normal" again now.

Unwanted, but not unloved.

It is so strange how whether a pregnancy is planned, unplanned, or even if it is totally unwanted, you still fall completely in love with this little being growing at some point.

Really it is quite ironic that when I first found out there was a possibility I was pregnant, I cried in disbelief, and in anger with myself.

How could I let myself get pregnant, especially under such rotten circumstances.
What kind of mother am I to let myself carry a child while I am on a methadone program?
What kind of mother am I to let myself carry a child under such an emotionally, financially, physically stressful time in my life?
Really what was I thinking to not use protection especially while I had an 11 month old (at the time), 3 year old, all living in one room in my parents house. All while the husband is still laid off. All while struggling with depression, bipolar disorder, a few different personality disorders, and a drug addiction. All while living off of my father's paycheck.
What kind of mother am I to bring another child into this world, when I can barely take care of myself, let alone myself, my husband and the two children I already have?

As the weeks have gone by, things have changed. Yes my family is still struggling with most of the same stresses, but my thoughts have changed. It is quite ironic, that the 1st pregnancy, of the many I have had, is the only unwanted one. Yet, this is the time I get my girl.
Now at more than half way through this unwanted pregnancy, I am really happy about our mistake. I am looking forward to meeting, seeing, and knowing my daughter. I already love Bailey as much as I had loved Thomas and Collin while they were in utero. I already love Bailey as much as I love Thomas and Collin now. She my reason for staying healthy on the inside right now, as the boys are my outside reasoning's.

My daughter, as unwanted as the pregnancy was, as badly as the timing is, I love her with all my heart.

See the other blog!

Baby Shower for me!!

1st time pink!

I have been making "siggies" for myself and others on www.justmommies.com message boards on and off for about 3 years now. Today, for the first time ever I was able to make myself a pink one! I am so pleased to announce I will no longer be the only girl in my home full of testosterone =] Does anyone know just how damn excited this makes me? Now I need some pretty little pictures of my daughter to make it extra special.. because, lets face it, ultrasound pictures are not very girly ;-]

Been a while huh?

Wow, I haven't blogged in ages! So much has happened!



I am in my 2nd trimester of my pregnancy-going great, check the details (and pictures) our at my other blog The Unexpected. Oh, if boy, baby is Samual Adam; if girl, Bailey Grace Elizabeth.

My parents moved out! We are officially on our own. Tom and I in our own room. Thomas in his own real bed. Collin in his crib, when he isn't climbing out. The boys are lucky enough to have a playroom, all to themselves! They love it! I my own computer back, though it is really slow and old, I have my photoshop back! We have the backyard all to ourselves, the boys love it!
-Oh and we also have a roommate! Vinny is my brothers friend of 7 or 8 years. And helps us out with the rent, which is great! He isn't ever home when I am so it works perfectly!

Work is going great! I love waitressing so much its weird. I love the tips, the attention, and all the flirting. Who knew being pregnant would turn on so many guys? In fact, one guy actually said to me, "Man I so wanna bite the shit out of your belly!" WTF?? Whatever... Hours will be getting cut soon as the leagues are all ending, but all is well.

The meth. program sucks.. I refuse to see the shrink there anymore, as he thinks I am crazy.. Apparently I am not stable enough to take home my methadone bottles, I may OD or poison my kids or something... Fuck him. Plus he wants to prescribe me meds that are catagory X for pregnancy... Fuck him again. I really wish I could detox. I really want to detox. I believe I am ready to detox. I can't detox. Detoxing means buh-bye baby. That would be bad!

My mind is really fucking me. I am having problems decifering fact from fiction, and reality from dreams as of late, and I need to find a new shrink to discuss this shit.. Thank god for free medical now.. I am having alot of manic-down mood swings lately and rapid crazy highs.. I know I need to find a med that I can safely take while pregnany and breastfeeding. I refuse to take a med I cannot breastfeed on, or that will harm my child.

Mostly though things really are going well. Heck I am even planning my very 1st weekend EVER out of CT!

Oh! Here are my latest photos and creation from photoshop!

Very 1st OB appt.

Measuring apx. 6 weeks. Pregnancy should be fine with the methadone. I have to worry about premature labor. My ob may not be able to delivery me in my hospital, may have to deliver in Yale. Baby will have to stay at least 1 week in hospital to withdrawel from the drug.. I was feeling like such a rotton person for getting pregnant while on methadone.. What was I thinking letting him do that in me? knowing the risks? But I am really working on not thinking that way. I am trying to think of this as my way of really beginning again.

u/s on monday, appt in 4 weeks, he confirmed 9/22 as edd based on lmp

Its a baby!

I forgot to post!



bloodwork confirmed it!

1st appt: tomarrow, 1030am!

My New Beginning.

In my Jan2008PR on the message boards at www.justmommies.com one of the fellow mommies posted this quote.

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude to me is more important than facts.... We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10 percent what happens to me and 90 percent how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes." -
-- Charles swindoll

I will post here the reason she mentioned this quote to me.

I had posted yesterday on JM about how this pregnancy is my new beginning.

"I am so darn sick of feeling so negative. I am so sick of whining about all the things that seem to be just going wrong.I was thinking, while at the hospital.. Maybe this pregnancy is a blessing? Maybe this is the my fresh start.. This is my new beginning. Negativity and self pity are not going to get me far, or my family. What my family needs is a positive attitude. Motivation. Initiative. Being so low all the time is not going to help give my family what we need. We need Positives! Heck, it was a positive pregnancy test right? How can you get more positive than that? Collin coughing blood turned out to just be the ear infection, granted that stinks, but its a heck of a lot better than the things that were going through my mind!This is it. Starting right now at this moment. I will put all my energy towards the positives. No more being such a negative Nancy!"

Am I or Am I not?

help. My first period showed december 15th. My 1st since when I was using.. anyway Tom and I had sex about two weeks ago, the only time this month. I just took a test because I am paranoid, and....



its a shade or so darker in person I believe.. I am freaking out.. the digital thing says no but every time I have tested negative there was NO line whatsoever, and everytime I have tested positive, line.. when preggo w/ Collin this is the shade it was on the 1st test...