Distraction.

I've been struggling so hard the past month and a half. Trying to distract myself with every little thing. Working out, reading, putting on my happy face online and with everyone I speak to. As the weeks have passed, it's becoming harder and harder to distract myself. Just sitting and watching television isn't enough if I have to sit through commercials. Sitting online isn't enough when I take a moment here or there to think. Reading and working out, provides a steady stream of distraction. But I'm flying through books too fast to keep it up. With this depression I have no desire, whatsoever, to leave the house, so exercise isn't quite doing it's job. And the pure laziness I feel when I get like this is keeping me from doing anything much at home.

I have no desire whatsoever to do anything besides the bare minimum. I don't want to leave my bed at all. Yet staying in it is even worse. So I make myself get up before the hubs and go sleep on the couch. It's the only way I've been able to get up and take care of the kids in the morning. The mornings, I stay in bed until they wake I fight the most intense battle. My mind tells me to stay there. Don't worry about anything, just grieve and cry and sleep. My heart reminds me I have three precious children I need to take care of. My heart tells me she wouldn't want me wasting time reliving the past, feeling guilty, feeling angry, feeling that low.

I know things would be easier if I just made myself do things. If I just made myself do the mundane household tasks, play with the children, work with the children, leave the house, things would be easier..

Lovely. Just lovely. As I sit here typing what is so hard for me to get out, so hard to explain, while I fight to get the words out, the song comes on. Her song. Stopped my trying, dead in it's track, mid-word. "Every little thing's gonna be alright."

You see, New Years Eve 2007, just 3 hours before 2008 would begin, I got a call. Nana had a heart attack. We were having a party at our apartment. Since I was just 18 days away from my due date with Collin, I had the only other sober person there come with me to the hospital. On the way there Bob Marley's Three Little Birds came on the radio. I thought nothing of it at the time. Nothing at all. Just a couple days later she had another heart attack. Again, the song came on. Again, it didn't phase me. I hadn't even noticed that I heard it the night of her first one. On January 19th, two days after my sweet Collin was born, I got a call while I was still in the hospital, "Nana's in surgery, her entire colon is being removed, C-dif, not sure if she can pull through with her heart still healing from the bypass." Just a few pieces I remember from the conversation... I called my doctor to rush the   discharge. I needed to get to the other hospital. When I climbed into the car, with my brand new baby boy and my husband, he was turning the radio dial and stopped on the same song. "This is my message to you-ou-ou, saying, don't worry, 'bout a thing"

I was too worried to think much about it still, but it did calm me down enough to stop crying. I never made it to the hospital that day. The song came on a couple more times during my visits to her. On her birthday, February 9th, we left our 3 week old son with a sitter, for the first time. With the c-dif and being in ICU, my boys weren't able to come. Tom and I parked pretty far from the hospital. Just as we were about to get out of the car, it came on. I immediately cried. We were being tossed around with the doctors words. Every other day it seemed we were being told she was strong. Was going to pull through. Every other opposite day we were told she was weaker, and wouldn't. After listening to the song, and crying my eyes out I had the most intense sense of calm. We walked the 8 blocks to the  hospital in silence. That night we were told she would be in the ICU for a couple weeks at most, then moved to a different floor, then moved to a rehabilitation facility, then could come home if she had help. Two days later my entire family made the decision to pull the plug. She was bleeding internally, the pneumonia caused her lungs to be 80% filled with fluid. Her kidneys were failing. All of the machines were living for her. She was in and out of it. While she was "there" she would shake her head no to every question, never opening her eyes. The 11th was such a long day. We had all, except my husband who stayed with my boys, been there with her. The hospital staff didn't dare speak against us for breaking the two visitors at a time rule. Finally a little after two pm it was time. The plug was pulled. We all crowded around her bed. Crying and watching. Struggling to catch her breath.. Finally a very, very close family friend, scratch that, a member of our family, went to her. "It's okay Betty-Girl. Go see Frenchie." She said a few more words, and we all cried more intensely. She looked around the room. Into the eyes of most, if not all of us. And that was it. None of us wanted to leave. I tried so hard that day to remain strong. So strong for my mother. I couldn't, absolutely could not let her see me upset. Finally, after hours I left. As soon as I started my car, it came on again. I laughed. What kind of cruel joke is this? Every thing is not going to be okay. It will never be okay.

The day of her funeral, I was in a daze. I couldn't cry. Nana wouldn't want us to cry over her. She'd much rather us gossip, and be nosy. To laugh at our memories of her. And I did. Well, when we weren't in the car anyway. When leaving the funeral home to head to the church, Bob Marley played on one of the radio stations. When leaving the church for the cemetery, again. When leaving the cemetery, again.

She was never told she had her own special song.

It's been almost three years since her death, and this year has been the worst since it actually happened. Maybe it's because my mind is clearer now than it was the last two years. I don't know. I just know I'm really struggling. This battle is continuing deep in my soul. Half wanting me to give up. To do anything to soothe the pain, even if it causes more in the long run. The other side keeping me from diving into the deep end again. Fighting to keep me strong. Fighting to keep me here for my family. For myself. Fighting to keep me safe from myself. Fortunately, I know that side will win. It's only lost one battle and has gotten strong over the past couple of years. But it doesn't make it any easier to know that I will get through this. It doesn't make it any easier to know things will get better once I start doing things again. Once I start seeing some sun.

All I have to do is remind myself one small thing: "Every little thing, is gonna be alright."

I guess this post turned into a completely different one from what I intended, 

all because this one little song started on the television behind me.

I saw this video for the very first time after arriving home from the funeral. 

This take on the song perfectly shows my view on the song. 

Disney On Ice-Review (Including Discount Code!)

(If interested in attending this magical even please skip to the last part of this entry to receive $5 off ticket prices! This show is perfect for all ages, from infant to elderly!)

Wow. Just wow. Last night, for the first time ever I got to enjoy a Disney on Ice performance on opening night at the Hartford, CT XL Center. Considering what a huge Disney fan I am, this was a wonderful treat for me, to be able to take my children to see two hours of magic.. And it was magical.

When we got there we were treated to a meet and greet. I think I was more excited than my children. My 5 year old enjoyed giving Mickey and Minnie a hug with his eyes lit up like I've never seen. Bailey, at just 15 months of age, was fascinated by Minnie, I think she was jealous of her bow! My hesitant, shy Collin, almost 3, did not want anything to do with them, and preferred to keep an eye on them from a distance. Due to time restraints and Mickey and Minnie needing to get ready to perform, they had staff on hand to take pictures for the family. Considering I'm usually the one behind the camera, this was a big deal to me to be included in a wonderful family memory.

(Please Click to Enlarge Photos!)

When going into the show I was a nervous wreck not knowing if my camera would be allowed in or not. They have a 90mm detachable lens limit. I just made it in with my 80mm lens. Whew! What a relief! When we went to grab our seats my 5 year old did begin to whine a bit, he wanted every item they had on sale for the show. The prices for the promotional items weren't too bad at all considering it is a live event. When he finally saw the ice he couldn't believe it!

At 5 minutes to show time, an announcer let us know just that. And again at the 3 minute mark. My nerves were still a wreck not knowing how my almost 3 year old and 15 month old would behave and react. When the lights went dim and the show started they were immediately captivated! Even my "tough guy" husband was mesmerized! We were introduced to Mickey & the gang and told they were going on a safari! As the show started, my eyes began to swell watching my children, wanting to know their exact thoughts.

The Lion King was breathtaking! The dance between Simba and Nala was beautifully executed. Childhood memories came flashing back as I sang along to the songs I've known for so long. It was brilliant!

After The Lion King, Mickey and Minnie announced they were going to the tropics! I drew such a blank trying to figure which Disney Classic we were going to see next. When Sebastian from The Little Mermaid came out I couldn't stop smiling. When Ariel sang, "Part of your world" I felt like I was watching the movie curled up on my couch, singing all the words without a care who heard me. 

 Just look at those faces! Wish I got Collin in on this but still.

You can see how their eyes stay on the show.

I could not believe they included my most recent, non princess movie favorite in the show! Lilo & Stitch is one of my absolute favorites! I was beyond thrilled! It was during this part the tears came back. When Lilo sat on her bed wishing to her shooting star that she wanted an angel, and again when she was telling Stitch about her "little and broken family" I couldn't hold them back. During Stitch's Ohana line I again swelled up. That movie is a perfect example of the importance of family and they nailed that during the show. 

During the beginning of this performance, they did experience some technical difficulties with the sound. It was short lived and I did not once here any children complain, cry, or become restless. The rest of the show went on with out a hitch!

        

After Lilo & Stitch, we had our intermission and I rushed to take Collin to the bathroom. Of course there was a crowd, but I wanted to make sure no one had to go during the show. That plan didn't work out to well as I had to miss much of Peter Pan and the Finale taking Thomas, and then Collin again. At least my husband and daughter got to enjoy!

  

 

Yes, Peter Pan was the next show, and this is where it truly became the most magical show in the world.

With Peter Pan flying in for his entrance, Tinker bell shooting Pixie Dust from her wand, Peter fighting to get his shadow back, Wendy and her brothers flying along side Peter, and Captain hook's pirate ship coming out through a cloud of smoke everyone in in the audience was captivated! It was truly amazing!

 As tinkerbell left, she flicked her wand one last time, lighting the stage with pyrotechnics. The entire audience sounded like it was filled with nothing but children oohing and ahhing. 

Unfortunately, I missed most most of the Peter Pan show, as I mentioned, and again part of the finale. I did make it back in time to catch the cast waving and saying good bye during song. 

(To see the rest of the night's photo's please view my public album on Facebook)

Between my husband and my daughter clapping together, pointing and laughing; my son's oohing and ahhing trying to see every little thing; and my reliving my childhood; this show was the perfect family experience.  Our seats where in the lower level and the "nosebleed" sections were empty. The XL Center's staff and the venue itself were all super child friendly. We had a family consisting of a Grandmother, Mother, and son around 3 years old in front of us, and a family with three kids ranging from a few months to about 8 behind us. Plus so many other people from newborn up to maybe 80-90 years old! The XL Center was amazing with accommodating the handicapped. And the best part is everyone, from the audience members to the staff and performers were kind and polite. Last time I was at a live event, people were so rude and pushing and shoving. Even during the crowds to leave, people were kind and thoughtful. My Collin (3 this month) tried to walk away from us into the crowd, as I struggled to reach his jacket, another mother stopped him in his tracks, gently, smiling and being polite. This is just one of the moments of kindness I saw at the show! 

I highly, highly recommend this show for all people, families, couples, friends. I know very well, had just my husband and I gone we still would have had a blast, but of course seeing our children...man.. It was one of the greatest night's we've ever had as a family. Magical doesn't even begin to describe it. 

Now here's your part! 

Make imagination your destination! Join Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse on a journey into the magical worlds of Disney’s The Little Mermaid, The Lion King, Peter Pan, and Lilo & Stitch. From Ariel’s enchanting undersea kingdom to Never Land with Peter Pan and his sassy fairy friend Tinker Bell, you’ll be captivated by the music, beauty, and laughter in a journey so magical, you’ll never want to leave!

Here is the offer:

Save $5 on tickets when you use the code: MOMS5

Valid Performances:

$5 off - Thursday, January 6th - 7PM

$5 off – Friday, January 7th - 7PM

$5 off – Saturday, January 8th - 6:30PM

$5 off – Sunday, January 9th - 1PM

Tickets can be purchased via www.ticketmaster.com and entering the promotional code: MOMS5

Direct link to XL Center's Ticketmaster page is:

http://www.ticketmaster.com/search?tm_link=tm_header_search&q=xl+center&search.x=0&search.y=0

Ticket Prices: $60Front Row, $45VIP, $25, $20 and $15

Discount offer is not valid on Front Row and VIP and prices do not include the facility fee or any service charges.

GoodBye 2010

I know I'm a day early and all, but based if my recent blogging habits say anything, it's that I have tons of idea's but haven't been posting. So while it's on my mind, let me write it down.

2010 was a very strange year all and all. We were newly living in a new, tiny apartment. Had a 3 month old baby girl. Dealt with a lay off already lasting way too long. Hubby went back to work. I quit my job. Stayed asleep more than awake for the first four and a half months of the year. Collin started speech therapy. Thomas "graduated" preschool. Bailey learned to crawl. Hubby got laid off again. Thomas started kindergarten. Bailey learned to walk. Hubby went back to work. And Collin only has one speech session left. And we had the very best Christmas ever.

Here are my personal top 10 blog posts from the year:
(All Clickable, links are showing like text....

1. Continuing the Fight
2. While She Eats
3. My Babies
4. Nursing in Public: Women's right or bad taste?
5. Mommy Why? -A Way Back When-sday Post
6. Behind Blue Eyes
7. A Letter From Bailey
8. Sweet Dreams, My loves.
9. Five
10. Us Parents Need To Hug Our Children

This year I have seen my daughter change from a tiny little blob, to an amazing little girl. I've seen my youngest son go from an intelligent little boy who could not express himself with words, to a little boy who always has something to say. I've watched my oldest child go from being pure and innocent to asking questions I'm not quite ready to answer. I've seen my husband suffer and struggle, wanting to just be able to provide his family with the best or to run away in fear of coming up short. My family of 5 is forever changing, growing, and loving. In the beginning of the year I struggled just trying to care for my three children, wondering how I could ever manage. Now, I can't imagine it being any other way.

Please take a moment to reflect on the past year, remember the good, the bad, the love, and the fun. Remember it all. Do all you can to make 2011 the best you can. And remember, to check our my other blog during the new year, where I will try to do a 365 photo project.

And now, I will leave you with my favorite photo's from 2010..

click to enlarge

 

 

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Way Back When-sday! (A wedding!)

It just hit me. I don't think I ever shared my wedding pictures here. Not that they are all that great. All taken with regular old fashioned one click film camera's. I still deeply regretting not having budgeted a wedding photographer. It is heart breaking to know I have no nice formal photographs from my wedding. It also stinks I don't remember all that much.



The few bits and pieces I do remember:

The Hubs repeating my vows after he had already said his and the JP, him, and I giggling.

My father drove me to the hall we were wed in, I was in the backseat. As we were pulling in front of the venue, my father and Made of Honor, my sister, started screaming at me to get down. Hubs was in the parking lot. I looked right at him and didn't recognize him. For a man who does not dress nicely at all, he looked amazing in his tux. The love had felt prior to that 1st moment I saw him at our wedding couldn't compare to the amount of love and lust I had at that exact moment.

Before my father and I could walk down the aisle we were both crying. Happy tears of course, but yes, we were both blubbering babies. And to think, we had just told my mother not to cry!

My ring bearer refused to walk down the aisle and his mother ruined the outfit we bought her by covering it with a black and white coat even my mother in law wouldn't wear. (my sister in law owns nothing nice, let alone formal)

My father in law, looked so handsome. I had never seen him "dressed up" before. He is such a sweet, caring, funny, weird man and before this day I didn't realize how much the hubs was like his father. He really is. In a good way.

Our first dance, to Led Zeplins "Thank You" was so awkward! Hubs and I do not dance. Just going in circles for what seemed like forever with everyone staring was so, so strange. And that is a long song!

Dancing with my father to "Butterfly Kisses" (Of course, what else) was actually much more relaxed. We laughed, we cried, he told me he was sorry for not being a good father to my siblings and I. That was the first day he really spoke to me about my soon to be first born. I will cherish that conversation forever.

After the wedding, Tom and I were supposed to find a hotel along route 1, then head into New York City in the late morning. We ended up getting lost and finding the "Rodeway Inn" around 4 am, after 6 hours of driving. Mind you, to get anywhere in our state takes less than two hours in traffic. This was 10 pm to 4 am! It was an over priced cheap motel.

We didn't have money for a real honeymoon. At all, as we were saving for Thomas' birth. We went to a NYY baseball game. It was also Mother's Day. I got a card for mother's day that year though I was only 5 months pregnant.

When looking back at the pictures of our wedding day, while it does upset me they're not the greatest pictures, they do show the happiness the hubs and I felt that day. Even if we are arguing and fighting about the most mundane things, looking back on the photographs from our "pre-children" days, especially our wedding pictures instantly reminds me why I am here with him right now. Looking at each photograph over the past ten and a half years I see so much love, happiness, and fun.