Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Mommy Why?-A Way Back Whensday Post.

10 years ago I was pregnant. Yes, 10 years ago I wasn't even old enough to be in high school, yet I was carrying a child. Scary thought right?

I will never forget sitting with my father and him actually saying he loved me, whatever decision I made was fine with him and he'd support me. Mostly, I remember him saying something along the lines of, "Next time use two condoms." What sticks out about that is, at such a young age I knew 2 condoms were less safe than 1.

I remember my mother telling me to keep the baby, she'd raise her until I finished school. We'd make it work. I remember her telling me I should have asked to be put on birth control. How would I know it would be okay to ask for birth control at such a young age, when my parents have never spoken to me about the birds and the bees? Hell, I remember being punished for asking where babies come from.

Even with the huge amount of support from my parents, I chose abortion. I mean really what was the big deal? It's not like it was a baby yet..

August 4th, 2000; I walked in to the clinic. Passed the protesters. Passed the signs of dead babies. Passed the people screaming at me that I was selfish and about to kill an innocent life. Honestly, it didn't even phase me. I was going in and no one was stopping me.

As I laid on the examination table, ready for *my* child to be scraped and suctioned from my womb, the nurse and I joked about my hair which was a complete rainbow of colors at the time. After the procedure, all I cared about was getting some food into me and going home.

The thought of what I had done didn't really affect me for a while. Until a fight between me and the would-have-been father, when he said I killed his baby. Even then, not so much.

Then suddenly like a sack of bricks, I had a breakdown. I *did* kill our baby. I still felt as if I made the right decision for us at the time, but now I yearned for my child.

Today, I still yearn for that child.

Today, when people ask for my opinion on abortion, it is simply. It's your body, your choice; but know, that choice can haunt you for a lifetime.

In honor of today being 10 years since I went through with this awful day. I wanted to share a poem I wrote years ago. Reading it to this day still makes me cry, almost as much as I did as I wrote it.

Mommy, I can't wait for you to hold me.
Mommy, I can't wait for you to nurse me.
Mommy, I can't wait for you to change me.
Mommy, I can't wait for you to love, nurture, and care for me.
Mommy, I love you unconditionally already.
Mommy, even though we haven't met, you are my world.
You are my mommy.

Mommy, what is happening?
Mommy, why can't I breath?
Mommy, why can't I see?
Mommy, is this birth?
Mommy, I am not ready yet!
Mommy, make them stop!
Mommy! Help me please!

Mommy, I am gone now.
Mommy, I am sorry if I wasn't right yet.
Mommy, I am sorry you will never get to hold me.
Mommy, I am sorry you will never get to nurse me.
Mommy, I am sorry you will never get to change me.
Mommy, I am sorry you will never get to love, nurture, or care for me.
Mommy, I am sorry you weren't ready for me.
Mommy, I am sorry you killed me.

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