Six years ago I walked down the aisle a blubbering mess. Pregnancy hormones and seeing him at the 'make-shift alter' had the waterworks flowing before I even stepped into through the double doors.
It's been a long, difficult six years. More up and downs than I'd ever think possible for two people to endure. I used to blog whenever I was down, more often than now it was because of him. In the past year I've cut that out mostly. I find if I think of the positives when he is driving me up a wall, every one is happier, and I don't make him out to always be the bad guy.
Our anniversary's tend to come and go with just a "Happy Anniversary" and a card to each other. Of the previous five, only one had a happy memory.
Until now. The hubs and I are not big on going out and spending loads of money we don't have. Even as a rare treat, unless the kids are with us. This year, do to the same funds we always seem to lack, we decided to stay home. We shipped out all three children for the night. I went to Hallmark and Gamestop looking for something, anything to get him for our special day. What do you get a man after 11 years together? What does he want besides a PS3? I hadn't a clue! At gamestop I saw Monopoly for the Wii. How perfect!
Let me explain. The hubs beats me at everything! And I do mean everything. Especially video games. The board game Monopoly is the only thing we have played with each other that I have always won. I am the Monopoly champ 'round these parts. No one I have ever played has won. Until last night. He beat me and the two other computers. I don't think I've heard that much laughter from him and I in a long time. It was as if it were the first year or two of our relationship again.
Before starting our game we picked up some subs from the local pizza joint and just sat and talked. Not something we get to due to often. And when we do talk, it's usually about money or the kids. Never about us.
After we ate, we took a shower, then started our game. I feared we'd both be sound asleep by 9:30-10. Proving we are an old married couple. Instead we played Monopoly until a bit after one.
When we finally were ready to go to sleep, it was nearing 3 am. I couldn't believe it! We had a night, with out fearing the children waking up, just laughing and having fun. He could not believe I actually stayed away from the computer and my books all night. I couldn't believe he didn't once try to put on Ghost Adventures. We fell asleep in each others arms.
This morning, due to him needing to go to work, we went and picked up the kids together. At my parents house, each boy ran up to us, with a handful of flowers. Not one was a dandelion!
We may go out for ice cream or to the park when the hubs gets home. We had our night, now it's time to switch from "anniversary mode" to "mother's day". Either way, we will spend tonight and tomorrow as a family.
We did not do much, nor did we do anything special. Yet, this sixth anniversary has been by far the best yet.
I've been struggling so hard the past month and a half. Trying to distract myself with every little thing. Working out, reading, putting on my happy face online and with everyone I speak to. As the weeks have passed, it's becoming harder and harder to distract myself. Just sitting and watching television isn't enough if I have to sit through commercials. Sitting online isn't enough when I take a moment here or there to think. Reading and working out, provides a steady stream of distraction. But I'm flying through books too fast to keep it up. With this depression I have no desire, whatsoever, to leave the house, so exercise isn't quite doing it's job. And the pure laziness I feel when I get like this is keeping me from doing anything much at home.
I have no desire whatsoever to do anything besides the bare minimum. I don't want to leave my bed at all. Yet staying in it is even worse. So I make myself get up before the hubs and go sleep on the couch. It's the only way I've been able to get up and take care of the kids in the morning. The mornings, I stay in bed until they wake I fight the most intense battle. My mind tells me to stay there. Don't worry about anything, just grieve and cry and sleep. My heart reminds me I have three precious children I need to take care of. My heart tells me she wouldn't want me wasting time reliving the past, feeling guilty, feeling angry, feeling that low.
I know things would be easier if I just made myself do things. If I just made myself do the mundane household tasks, play with the children, work with the children, leave the house, things would be easier..
Lovely. Just lovely. As I sit here typing what is so hard for me to get out, so hard to explain, while I fight to get the words out, the song comes on. Her song. Stopped my trying, dead in it's track, mid-word. "Every little thing's gonna be alright."
You see, New Years Eve 2007, just 3 hours before 2008 would begin, I got a call. Nana had a heart attack. We were having a party at our apartment. Since I was just 18 days away from my due date with Collin, I had the only other sober person there come with me to the hospital. On the way there Bob Marley's Three Little Birds came on the radio. I thought nothing of it at the time. Nothing at all. Just a couple days later she had another heart attack. Again, the song came on. Again, it didn't phase me. I hadn't even noticed that I heard it the night of her first one. On January 19th, two days after my sweet Collin was born, I got a call while I was still in the hospital, "Nana's in surgery, her entire colon is being removed, C-dif, not sure if she can pull through with her heart still healing from the bypass." Just a few pieces I remember from the conversation... I called my doctor to rush the discharge. I needed to get to the other hospital. When I climbed into the car, with my brand new baby boy and my husband, he was turning the radio dial and stopped on the same song. "This is my message to you-ou-ou, saying, don't worry, 'bout a thing"
I was too worried to think much about it still, but it did calm me down enough to stop crying. I never made it to the hospital that day. The song came on a couple more times during my visits to her. On her birthday, February 9th, we left our 3 week old son with a sitter, for the first time. With the c-dif and being in ICU, my boys weren't able to come. Tom and I parked pretty far from the hospital. Just as we were about to get out of the car, it came on. I immediately cried. We were being tossed around with the doctors words. Every other day it seemed we were being told she was strong. Was going to pull through. Every other opposite day we were told she was weaker, and wouldn't. After listening to the song, and crying my eyes out I had the most intense sense of calm. We walked the 8 blocks to the hospital in silence. That night we were told she would be in the ICU for a couple weeks at most, then moved to a different floor, then moved to a rehabilitation facility, then could come home if she had help. Two days later my entire family made the decision to pull the plug. She was bleeding internally, the pneumonia caused her lungs to be 80% filled with fluid. Her kidneys were failing. All of the machines were living for her. She was in and out of it. While she was "there" she would shake her head no to every question, never opening her eyes. The 11th was such a long day. We had all, except my husband who stayed with my boys, been there with her. The hospital staff didn't dare speak against us for breaking the two visitors at a time rule. Finally a little after two pm it was time. The plug was pulled. We all crowded around her bed. Crying and watching. Struggling to catch her breath.. Finally a very, very close family friend, scratch that, a member of our family, went to her. "It's okay Betty-Girl. Go see Frenchie." She said a few more words, and we all cried more intensely. She looked around the room. Into the eyes of most, if not all of us. And that was it. None of us wanted to leave. I tried so hard that day to remain strong. So strong for my mother. I couldn't, absolutely could not let her see me upset. Finally, after hours I left. As soon as I started my car, it came on again. I laughed. What kind of cruel joke is this? Every thing is not going to be okay. It will never be okay.
The day of her funeral, I was in a daze. I couldn't cry. Nana wouldn't want us to cry over her. She'd much rather us gossip, and be nosy. To laugh at our memories of her. And I did. Well, when we weren't in the car anyway. When leaving the funeral home to head to the church, Bob Marley played on one of the radio stations. When leaving the church for the cemetery, again. When leaving the cemetery, again.
She was never told she had her own special song.
It's been almost three years since her death, and this year has been the worst since it actually happened. Maybe it's because my mind is clearer now than it was the last two years. I don't know. I just know I'm really struggling. This battle is continuing deep in my soul. Half wanting me to give up. To do anything to soothe the pain, even if it causes more in the long run. The other side keeping me from diving into the deep end again. Fighting to keep me strong. Fighting to keep me here for my family. For myself. Fighting to keep me safe from myself. Fortunately, I know that side will win. It's only lost one battle and has gotten strong over the past couple of years. But it doesn't make it any easier to know that I will get through this. It doesn't make it any easier to know things will get better once I start doing things again. Once I start seeing some sun.
All I have to do is remind myself one small thing: "Every little thing, is gonna be alright."
I guess this post turned into a completely different one from what I intended,
all because this one little song started on the television behind me.
I saw this video for the very first time after arriving home from the funeral.
This take on the song perfectly shows my view on the song.
Fun. Worthwhile. Love-filled. Amazing. Giddy. A few hours I will cherish forever.
All ways I will remember tonight.
Many know I am very anal about bedtime. 8pm is time for the boys to go down, then Bailey and I to cuddle while she nurses, then she goes down. Many nights I stress and get upset as Collin flat out refuses to go to bed, even if he is dead tired. Tonight was one of those nights.
Not too often there is something I have to get done after bedtime, but tonight (last night, as it's after midnight now..) was one of those nights. With Collin's party being tomorrow (today?) and me doing most of the baking myself, I had a lot to accomplish tonight. Normally I'd get upset, beg my husband to get Collin to sleep, and I'd be so flustered I'd screw up everything I needed to do.
Tonight was strangely different. Very welcomed, but different. Instead of bothering my tired husband, who was sound asleep on the couch, I let Collin come help. It may have been the best decision I've made in a very long time. We had so much fun just doing simple tasks. He enjoyed egg cracking. I didn't mind digging eggshells out of bowls. He helped pour, mix, measure. I laughed at his spills. He was in a silly mood, and making silly faces. I was silly as well. He and I both laughed so hard our bellies hurt. With the fits of giggles, and the quality time spent, I don't even mind the huge disaster my kitchen currently is. Collin has been more affectionate than usual lately, and tonight even more so. It seemed like every 5 minutes he was reaching for hugs, randomly planting soft little kisses on my arms and face, and telling me, "I love you Mommy."
It's not too often Collin and I get fun alone time. Our usual alone time is during Bailey's nap while Thomas is in school. We don't usually have anywhere near this much fun. We usually do his speech "homework" or other educational activities he enjoys, like working on learning to read and write the alphabet. Don't get me wrong we have a great time doing those things together but..tonight was so different. It was like there wasn't a care in the world. It was just Collin and I. And with three kids between 1 and 5, those feelings are a bit too rare for my taste.
After tonight (last night..) some things I've known really rang true. Like how it's okay to break the routines and rules sometimes. It's okay to let these kids make a mess. It's okay to let them stay up late every so often for some good old fashioned one on one time. It's okay to let each child believe they're your favorite. It's okay to sometimes take off the parent cap, and enjoy being their friend.
I cannot begin to express how much just baking with my boy tonight has affected me. It's as if I got a whole new glimpse on life. And I cannot wait to start spending more time alone with each of my children.
I know I'm a day early and all, but based if my recent blogging habits say anything, it's that I have tons of idea's but haven't been posting. So while it's on my mind, let me write it down.
2010 was a very strange year all and all. We were newly living in a new, tiny apartment. Had a 3 month old baby girl. Dealt with a lay off already lasting way too long. Hubby went back to work. I quit my job. Stayed asleep more than awake for the first four and a half months of the year. Collin started speech therapy. Thomas "graduated" preschool. Bailey learned to crawl. Hubby got laid off again. Thomas started kindergarten. Bailey learned to walk. Hubby went back to work. And Collin only has one speech session left. And we had the very best Christmas ever.
Here are my personal top 10 blog posts from the year:
(All Clickable, links are showing like text....
This year I have seen my daughter change from a tiny little blob, to an amazing little girl. I've seen my youngest son go from an intelligent little boy who could not express himself with words, to a little boy who always has something to say. I've watched my oldest child go from being pure and innocent to asking questions I'm not quite ready to answer. I've seen my husband suffer and struggle, wanting to just be able to provide his family with the best or to run away in fear of coming up short. My family of 5 is forever changing, growing, and loving. In the beginning of the year I struggled just trying to care for my three children, wondering how I could ever manage. Now, I can't imagine it being any other way.
Please take a moment to reflect on the past year, remember the good, the bad, the love, and the fun. Remember it all. Do all you can to make 2011 the best you can. And remember, to check our my other blog during the new year, where I will try to do a 365 photo project.
And now, I will leave you with my favorite photo's from 2010..
Things have been a bit hectic lately around here with holidays, illnesses, money, a new blog....ya know, the usual parenting crap..
Holidays
We have not even begun to make a dent in our Christmas Shopping this year. I think we only have one small gift per child so far. Strangely, this does not bother me. We will get them a bit more of course but we are putting all the focus on family this year. My children will be getting more than enough from grandparents and my aunt. They will be taken care of. As the past 3 Christmas's I am a bit depressed this holiday season. It means it's the third Christmas with out Nana with us. And it also means the 3rd anniversary of her death is fast approaching. I still have trouble believing she is not with us. I miss her so much still. But, I will put on a brave face and cherish my children who are here with me.
Illnesses
Thomas is currently sick as a dog. On Friday morning, in the wee hours of the morning Thomas fell coming down his ladder and hit his head. Through out the day he complained of a head ache and we thought he had a concussion after puking in the car. It ended up being some wicked virus. He had a fever ranging from 102-104 all Friday night, Saturday, Sunday, & Monday. Tuesday I sent him to school as his fever was gone, but when he came home he looked like complete crap. Stuffy nose, teary eyes, sore throat. So he stayed home again today. Last night he slept 5-12 and 2:30-8:30, 13 hours. He is sleeping right now, been out for a couple hours, though has not had a fever all day.
Money
Tom is working. *Hears the cheers* We finally paid October and November's rent, December will be paid Thursday. (Tomorrow) Our landlord let us sign a 6 month lease, so we won't have to worry about trying to move in December which is always lay off season it seems. Also, he asked us to keep an eye out for 3 bedroom condo's and town houses that are up for sale or foreclosed. He is always looking to buy new property and would be willing to let us break our lease, rent to us, with option to buy. I don't think anything will come of it, but it still felt great to receive the offer. Damn me and my glass is half empty attitude.
New Blog?
With 2011 starting, I am going to try to do a 365 project. I've been wanting to do this for a couple of years now and keep forgetting. Oops. My buddy Trish is planning on doing it, so I got the reminder this year loud and clear. You can go on over to "The Unexpected 365 Project". Make sure you book mark it, or you can grab the button and link up as well!
Seeing as yesterday we put our tree up, I thought it was the perfect time to take Christmas card pictures.
What I learned is, with kids, a 1/60 shutter speed is not at all fast enough. Especially in low-light conditions. I ended up having to set up a lamp with a huge piece of white paper behind it and still, they stink...
Now to decide, what photo's, what card, and where to get them made.
Shutterfly is currently offering free Christmas cards to bloggers! Can you believe that? So of course I am hoping to get those ones, the card choices are gorgeous! So many options, many you can add way more than one photo!
These are a a few of the cards I am interested in since I still have so many photo's I want to use, including a photo of the kitty, or try to get one of Tom and I, I just know I need to get these done and here before the 12th!
Just over 7 weeks ago you began full day kindergarten. Mommy was dreading this. How can I be apart from you so long every day, every week, every month from September until June? At 180 days in a school year, that is 1080 hours, give or take, away from you. At first it was hard on Mommy. Constantly worried about how you were doing. Was the work to hard? Did you eat your lunch? Did you get to the bathroom okay? Were you alright getting off and on the bus? Are the teachers treating you with respect? Are the other children kind to you? Have you found your voice amongst others? Are you speaking up when you need help or having a question? Are you having fun? Do you miss me? Do you even think about me while in school? For the 1st couple of weeks I actually counted down the hours and minutes until I had to be at the bus stop.
Seven plus weeks later, while I do still have most of my worries, I am finally okay with you being gone so much. Your little brother behaves so much better when you are not home and you are so much less whiny. That is not the reason I am okay with it though. You are learning so much without the distractions of your siblings getting in the way. I have been told by your wonderful teachers that you are the one child in your class always striving to do your best with every assignment. Though you are usually the last one to finish your work, it is not due to goofing around. You want to make sure everything is correct. Mommy is very proud of you sweet boy. Though we both get frustrated on homework days, I do understand you are tired. You worked very, very hard all day and just want to be a kid and play when you get home. We will work on something to make homework time less stressful. For both of us.
Thomas, this is the beginning of a long haul for you. I can't promise it won't be hard. I can't promise you will always have fun and enjoy it. Just please remember, as long as you follow your school's motto until the day you graduate things will be the best as they can be.
Remember Thomas:
Be Kind.
Be Courteous.
Always Do Your Best.
And Always Ask For Help.
These words you are reciting every morning are an excellent reminder to all, including me. Remember if you need to ask, talk to, or tell me anything at all, school related or not, I am here for you. I want you to always be kind and courteous. I want you to always do your best, not to be confused with the best. And please Thomas, always ask for help.
You have always been so smart and your intelligence is just shining through this school year. Mommy and Daddy are so, so very proud of you and love you more than you will every know. Thomas, you are our light. Our life. Our everything and more. Your siblings and yourself are what matters most to us. You are taking in everything you see, even more so than your younger brother and sister, and because of that Daddy and Mommy are striving to follow those four quotes as well. And if we do fall off, do not hesitate to remind us these wonderful words.
Thomas, I hope the rest of the year goes smoothly for you, and I look forward with great excitement to see you grow and learn. The next big milestone you will reach is reading and I look forward with awe at the prospect of you reading us bedtime stories.
Again sunshine, Mommy loves you so very much. Have fun in school and don't work too hard, but always do your best.
My only daughter, and more than likely last child's 1st birthday is almost upon us. Just over a week away. Wow. Saying it like that scares the shit out of me. Especially since just yesterday I saw this.
Now she is walking, saying her 1st words, behaving like...well...a toddler..
Last Saturday I took her out to do her 1st Birthday portraits. I have yet to decide what photo I will use to be passed out at her birthday party. Or to decide what photo I want printed as a 10x13. Or to decide what other photo's I want displayed . I had so much fun photographing my only daughter. My last baby. Ah. I keep struggling to hold back the tears when I think of her growing up. And when I think of not having a baby in the house. We changed outfits 3 times and went to 3 locations. Unfortunately the sun came out at the second location and we only got one picture there, and it is more of a snapshot than a portrait to hang on display.
Here are some the pictures finally. And to think, I originally took well over 450 pictures and have already narrowed it down to 45. All my fault for always going overboard.
