Thursday, September 30, 2010

Cooking With Collin

Click to enlarge if reading text is difficult.

Hosted by Cecily and Lolli

Today, One Year Ago-Take 4

One year ago, I was in my 39th week with no idea my daughter would be born in just two days.

I was so stressed, but you can read that yourself, here. 

Crazy to think that a year ago I was so close to meeting my beautiful little girl, and now.. 
I can't imagine life without her.


Awesomely Autumn

Fall 2008

I don't know about everyone else, but Autumn is my favorite season of them all. Spring is a close second with the like temperature's and all, but Autumn clearly is number one. Between being able to choose short or long sleeves in the early fall, or hoodie or coat in the late fall, there are so many other amazing aspects to Autumn.

Fall 2009

Of course one of the best highlights to Autumn is the amazing foliage and beautiful colors! Who doesn't love just jumping in a big pile of leaves?
I absolutely love taking pictures of the pretty colors, and making crafts with the kids out of the leaves! Who knew one red leaf placed on white paper in a $1 frameless picture frame would look so amazing when you have three people making on and you put them one beneath another on a small wall between a door and a window.

And the foliage also makes an awesome backdrop to random flowers and plants that are dying due to the early frost

Fall 2008
There is something about knowing although the leaves, plants, and flowers are wilting away, they will grow back in the spring. Autumn is always so refreshing to me to know that after the hustle and bustle of all the holidays, things will calm soon. Many people do spring cleaning. Not me. Instead I do Autumn cleaning. Those first nice days of spring should never be spent cleaning with young children in the home. They should be spent at parks, playgrounds, and hiking trials. That 1st really crisp day of Autumn when you are too shocked to leave the house? Now that is perfect for "Spring Cleaning."

Fall 2008
Over at Mama Kat's, one of this weeks Writing Prompts were, "10 reasons you're glad it's Fall." I know I had to choose it. If you can't tell, I love Autumn! Absolutely love it. Well everything but the financial stress it always seems to bring! 

First of all, I still focus on the school year, not the actual calender date, so Autumn starts Labor Day weekend to me. Now, my 10 reason's I am glad it is fall!

1. Thomas' Birthday always starts it off!

September 6th, 2010
2. Apple Picking

Fall 2007
3. (This reason is beginning this year!) Bailey's Birthday

Turning One on October 2nd!

4. Foliage

Image Souce

5. Pumpkin Picking


6. Halloween


7. Those last few walks before it gets too cold.

Nov 2009

8. Kicking threw the leaves on those walks.

Nov 2009
9. Thanksgiving

Thankgiving 2009 at Rachels
10. Getting ready for Christmas with my children

Making our own pine and pine cone wreath - Nov 2009

With past memories like these, wouldn't you love Autumn?

Mama's Losin' It
This post is inspired by one of this weeks

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Random Tuesday Thoughts


Last night, or early this morning, I could have strangled my younger two. I swear Bailey and Collin were up every 45-60 minutes last night. On opposite shifts. It all started when I went to bed at 1 am. Well I went to bed at midnight but finally was starting to feel sleepy around 1. And Bailey woke up. It felt like I just got her calmed down when Collin came in. We tried co-sleeping with Bailey, keeping Collin in bed. Tried co-sleeping with Collin, putting Bailey back in her crib. Tried co-sleeping with both. At 5 am I gave up. I dealt with Collin who was up, again, and curled up on the couch hoping to block them out. I just wanted my husband to do the night shift for once. Then Bailey began to fuss from her crib. The hubs, instead of getting her like I would do, started snapping his fingers at her to calm her down. What the hell is that supposed to do? Needless to say I went in. Changed her, and put her right next to him. "Will that make it easier?" I asked, followed by walking out and shutting the door. As soon as my eyes started closing again it was Collin's turn. Fortunately, I did manage to get an hour or so of sleep after that before needing to get up to get Thomas ready for school.

I came across an ad on Craigslist the other night, by a mom photographer looking for someone to just photograph her son's birthday party so she could enjoy it. Just clicking and burning to a disc. I could do that! So I replied. I haven't heard back so I doubt I will but it was nice to dream for a minute. Especially since she ended her ad with saying something along the lines of If the photos are good, I am also looking for an assistant. Eh, the dreams I started dreaming. I would love to find a real photographer out their to take me under their wings. 

Speaking of jobs, I was asked if I would be interested in bartending a Valentines party. Yes, that is a ways away, but it's money!

And speaking of photography, my cousin wanted to know if I could do a family shoot for her and her daughters portraits! It would be for free, but the exposure is nice. I need to find a way to make some cash... 

On the financial; side, the hubs did finally get a reply from his Craigslist ad. A pretty decent sized job. He was paid half yesterday which went straight to our phone/cable/internet bill. So that stayed on this morning! W00T! And he is supposed to be paid for a small job he did last week for my father. That will go to my electric as long as my dad doesn't screw us over, again. 

I've mentioned having to apply for food stamps and not hearing a thing about it, right? Well I finally got a hold of someone yesterday. My application was processed on the 14th but has yet to be assigned a worker. What the....? I have a worker. I've been on food stamps. I've had the same worker for a while now since I am still on state medical. So much for emergency food stamps in 7 days. Unless the comes through before Bailey's birthday party will have no food. It's not like we are planning on going all out. Cake, coffee, chips, cold-cuts, soda, juice, water. 

On the note of Bailey's 1st birthday party, I want to know if this makes me selfish.. Please be honest. Maybe I am being an idiot. Bailey is my 1st and only daughter. And unless there is a huge oopsie, our last child. With each of the boys we went all out on decorations, (home made) cakes, goody bags, games and food. I want the same for my daughter. Food is already being cut down, and I am not skimping on the cakes I have been planning for almost a year, but I am really stressing on the decorations and goody bags. I want people to walk in and be blinded by the amount of pinkness. Pink streamers, balloons, pink "1" center pieces, and wall decorations. I want to deck out her high chair with a little tray skirt, all in pink. She already has two of the most gorgeous outfits to wear, her party has to match. Then the goody bags, They are just plain clear cellophane bags that say happy birthday, but I want them filled with ring pops, candy necklaces, temp. tattoos, pink gum balls, skittles (in the pink bag) and so on, oh and I found these little magic wands, 4/$1! and matching swords for the same price! How cute would those be for the boys and girls? We have a lot of kids coming... Oh the stress! So yeah, I have been freaking out about it more than likely not being anything I want. 1st birthdays are my absolute favorite to plan and decorate. And now... Well, now I am being told "it's no big deal, she won't remember it anyway" by anyone and everyone. And yes they are right, but I still want to go all out like I did for my boys. So am I being selfish?

Monday, September 27, 2010


With my daughter's birthday soon approaching, guilt has begun to overcome me. October 3th, 2006 is not a day I will soon forget. It still haunts me. I still miss my baby I never got to hold.

When struggling with figuring out my due date early on in my last pregnancy, I only had one thought: Do not let it be on CBM's day. Do not let it be October 3rd. Of course it did end up being October 3rd; because, well that's my luck.

Being on Methadone, I let the date slip my mind. I would still be a day to remember CBM because Bailey was going to come before her due date. Most methadone babies come early. Then September 30th came. And I knew, Bailey's soon to be birthday would forever be bitter sweet. Mourning one child while celebrating another.

Bailey came just 3 hours and 9 minutes before her due date. I was convinced that night I was not going to remember my angel the next day.

Yet, I did remember. And I cherished my newborn baby girl so much more. I held her tight and cried. For my child who I never got to hold, and for her. I was so grateful just to have her with me.

It has been not quite 4 years since that dreadful day and it still saddens me just as much as it did then. Yet, it does so much more now. I no longer just weep and mourn for my child, as I had done the first two years. I now take my thoughts of my precious Angel, and focus my attention on the children who are here with me. I will do right by them, in honor of CBM. I will cherish my three Angel's who are here with me day by day. I will remember to not take them for granted. I will do my best to provide them with as much love as I can muster. And when there is a difficult day, I will try to remember my short time carrying CBM and focus my energies on Thomas, Collin, and Bailey. I owe it to CBM.

I may not have known your gender,
I may not have felt your touch.
But I will always remember. 
I will always love you, so very much.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Begins Again

I slowly see it returning, like a fog blanketing the city. Only instead, its a fog blanketing me. Just a few weeks ago things were really good. Simple things, like actually getting out of bed with a smile on my face or actually not minding picking up around the house. Spending most of the actually playing with my children and teaching them new things. I had no problem keeping my eyes open all day, something I had not been able to do for so long. Play dates 1-3 times a week. Visits to my moms just because and actually enjoying her company. My body wasn't sore. I felt good. I felt content with life. I felt content with myself for the most part. Were things 100% perfect? Of course not. Were there things needing improvement? Of course.

Now, this fog that once reduced my visibility to nothingness is returning again. Since the layoff I have been struggling to get up each morning. I have been nodding like a junkie every time I sit on the couch. Other than leaving the house with my husband for two hours on Tuesday, I have no left the house all week except for the few times I had no choice. Other than homework time after Thomas gets home, I have not really spent any time with the kids. Regarding household cleaning, I am only doing the bare minimum so the anxiety with the mess stays at bay. Through out the day I just want to sit on my ass. Even moving to change a diaper or make breakfast or lunch takes maximum effort. I'm avoiding phone calls again, instant messages, and emails.

I hate this. I hate feeling this way. I hate not having any control whatsoever over anything. Part of me feels like if I can't make anything work to help the family, outside the house, why do anything inside? I feel like I need to be doing more. The one thing I can do, my husband is fighting tooth and nail against it. Yes, he is right, I do not have a sitter to care for my kids if I work and he has side work. Yes we will argue like lunatics if I come home and everything isn't up to my standards. I know he means well and all, but this is my children's life. They can't live with out lights. They can't live with out food in the house. And what if there is an emergency at Thomas' school? We need a working phone. And with out the internet, which yes it is a luxury we all take for granted, with out the internet Mommy is not someone they want to be around. The internet is my only way to rid myself of stress. Without the phone and internet, I'd have no connection to the outside world from home.

Right now, I just want to be left alone. At the same time, I just want to do the best I can for my children.


Snapshot Saturday-My Family

Our attempt at an 'almost' family picture.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Bedtime Stories

Usually I read to the kids every night at bedtime. Two nights ago, Tom offered.
He climbed up on the top bunk with all three kids. Something I would never do.
Moments like this make me forget every negative thought I have and remind me of the 4 biggest positives I have in my life.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Fast Approaching

My only daughter, and more than likely last child's 1st birthday is almost upon us. Just over a week away. Wow. Saying it like that scares the shit out of me. Especially since just yesterday I saw this.

Now she is walking, saying her 1st words, behaving like...well...a toddler..

Last Saturday I took her out to do her 1st Birthday portraits. I have yet to decide what photo I will use to be passed out at her birthday party. Or to decide what photo I want printed as a 10x13. Or to decide what other photo's I want displayed . I had so much fun photographing my only daughter. My last baby. Ah. I keep struggling to hold back the tears when I think of her growing up. And when I think of not having a baby in the house. We changed outfits 3 times and went to 3 locations. Unfortunately the sun came out at the second location and we only got one picture there, and it is more of a snapshot than a portrait to hang on display.
Here are some the pictures finally. And to think, I originally took well over 450 pictures and have already narrowed it down to 45. All my fault for always going overboard.

Hosted by Cecily and Lolli

She Rocks!

Trish over at Two Blues and a Pink and Mommy Says All the Bad Words happens to be one of my favorite online friends. We "met" on the "Siggies R Us" board on JustMommies a few years ago. I have always been a fan of the signatures and digital scrap pages she creates. Since I no longer have Photoshop I turn to her periodically to create one of a kind signatures of my children.

With Miss Bailey's 1st birthday quickly approaching, I gave her free reign to go through Bailey's 1st year portraits. (Which I will be sharing here shortly.) And of course, as always I love what she came up with, so much so I had to share with you all.

I know I have already said it, numerous times, but Thank you Trish! Yes, I think you are great for doing this for me, again, but it's not just that. You are a wonderful person who I can relate to more often than not. I am very grateful for knowing you and being able to call you my friend.

Long Lasting Impact

Who knew the death of my grandmother, Nana, would have such a long lasting ill effect on me?

Things had already had been spiraling down hill when she had past. When the family "pulled the plug" it was for the better, for her, but it still was upsetting. I was angry, bitter, and hurt. How can she die without meeting her newest great-grandchild? Her death was icing on the cake of shit that was already getting worse with each passing day. Troubled marriage, a lay-off and lack of incoming money, postpartum depression, individuals in my life I couldn't quite trust but my husband refusing to understand why, things sucked royally when she passed. All of this was just the right combination to help me lose my mind, sending me into a psychotic break. Leading to suicide attempts and a heroin addiction.

Growing up, she was always the one that was there. Parents fighting all the time when I was three? Head on downstairs and there she'd be. Need to get away from my parents alcoholic and drug using tendencies? And she'd always let me come stay with her. She was always the one to make everything better. Always. Then she left me. She left me at the lowest point of my life.

Maybe if her passing was expected? Maybe if she didn't go from being perfectly fine to death in a matter of weeks? Maybe things would be different.

Since her passing, I have changed. I am no longer the happy, always smiling, always laughing person I once was.  Since her passing depression has taken over my life. I finally thought I was moving on, finally returning to the "old me." Then one little thing goes wrong and I am back to that dark place almost instantly, filled with thoughts of hurting myself or others. Filled with thoughts of finding the easiest way out. Filled with such darkness, it's almost impossible to see the light.

I was never this person before her passing.

Since her passing I have learned to appear to be the same person on the outside. I have learned how to act and behave so friends and family believe everything is happiness and roses. On the inside? It's complete turmoil. I no longer can handle the little things life throws at me and my family. Before her passing, my husband getting laid-off didn't really phase me. Yes I'd stress, but it didn't control my every thought.

Currently things are pretty rough around here. Worse than they were back then, financially. In fact, next week our cable, internet, and phone, followed by electricity will be getting shut off unless there is a miracle. My husband will only say, "Don't worry" to me. He flat out refuses to look for a non-drywall job. His reasoning is, he will just have to quit when better work comes up. And that, if he comes across a side-job, he'd make more than working somewhere for minimum wage. Why don't I go get a job, you ask? His same reasonings. "I make more in one day than you would in a week." Um dude, how is that possible when you aren't even working? His other reason is that if I work days, I'd have to quit the minute he is called back to work and if I work nights it would not be good for our marriage. And this last part is true. I can't even leave for an hour without things being turned into absolute chaos around here. My husband is not very good at multitasking when it comes to caring for the children, cooking dinner, running baths, bedtimes, and cleaning up the evening messes. In fact, he can't do it.

When I was working nights, I'd come home to a complete disaster to find the children didn't get a bath, dinner wasn't until 8-9 pm, and they fell asleep whenever. All three still in the clothes I had them in when I left. Which used to lead to me coming in screaming, throwing things, and slamming fists and a face into the walls. So, is me working worth the stress it would lead to?

I often wonder, had my grandmother not passed away, would I handle life stresses differently?
I am so sick of thinking about her death and all else that happened in 2008, ruined me.
I need to realize it's not her fault. I mean how could it be? It's not like she died to ruin my being and take away the light?

Who knew the death of my Nana, would have such a long lasting ill effect on me?

Mama's Losin' It

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The Struggle

Worse than ever, barely afloat.
It lasted much too long.
Now thoughts are creeping back again.
It's the same old song.

Thoughts are closing in again.
Sanity is slowly losing the race.
"Money can't by happiness"
Yet, we're stuck in last place.

Trying to provide,
And act if nothings wrong.
Eyes are watching closely.
How can one stay strong?


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