Snapshot Saturday & Weight loss crap

While looking at this photograph, my daughter announced, "There Daddy! Hi!" What a way to boost a 

self-conscious mom's self esteem. It shouldn't have bugged me, considering she calls both Tom and I daddy now..

I am at 25 lbs lost. Before I get the "way to go"s and "your doing great", wait a minute. That means I've only lost 5 lbs since December 6th. I need to step up to the plate. Thursday night I ran a 5k on the treadmill making another personal best.

37 minutes 20 seconds

Average speed: 4.9  mph

Average mile: 12 minutes 14 seconds

2 minute cool down at the end, making it 39 minutes, 20 seconds

Burned 750 calories

I started out struggling to do 50 crunches. I am not averaging around 375 each time I do them, I try for 500
My only problem is over the past 2-3 months my servings sizes crept back to where they used to be. And I've gone from hitting the gym 5-6 days a week to 1-3. Not good. Not good at all.

But when I look at a photo like that one up there, I can actually see some progress. Now, I know I really need to work harder on my legs, upper arms, and tummy.

20 lbs GONE!

On October 6th of this year, I was 204 lbs. 

These photo's were taken 11 days later at 199.5 lbs.

As of yesterday, December 6th, exactly 2 months later I've lost........

20 lbs!

My very 1st mile on the treadmill, took me over 20 minutes.

Yesterday I did my shortest mile yet, 12:20 minutes! It was hard but I pushed through it!

I haven't been tracking my calories, but am still following portions listed on the packages. 

I still cannot believe my "old" size bowl of ice cream was four times the recommend serving size.

I am still hitting the gym a minimum of four times a week, plus working out with the Wii Fit Plus, Wii Active, and Golds Gym Cardio Workout. 

Now, I am just 5 lbs away from leaving an "obese" BMI and moving to the "over weight" catagory.

It hurts to be excited about being "over weight," but I'll take "over weight" over "obese" any day!

Cucumber and Chicken Salad

Whenever we have left over chicken breast I like to make chicken salad for the next day's lunch. Each time it tastes different and is made differently depending on what fresh produce and spices we have on hand at the time.

This time I actually measured everything I used. You must try this! I am eating it right now and there is a huge party in my tummy!

1/2 C shredded/diced left over chicken breast

1/2 C diced cucumber, I cut our the centers as I do not like the seeds.

1 pinch of each of the following: sea salt, ground black pepper, garlic powder, parsley.

1 TBSP Hellman's mayo

Mix with fork.

Total Calories: 216

I toasted two slices of Weight Watcher's 100% Whole Wheat (Thank's to WIC) and put half on each pieces of toast. Add in a bottle of water and 10 baby carrots, cut long ways into 4 pieces w/ 1.5 tbsp of Italian Dressing and you have a great lunch containing protein, veggies, and good carbs, plus your water! All for under 500 calories! Next time I will only use half of the chicken and cucumber salad and once slice of toast as I am currently over full! Whoa! Me? Over full on a lunch of just 439 calories? Crazy!

Now seriously, Doesn't this just look absolutely delish? 

(Notice, this is after I had already eaten one slice of wheat covered in this yummy goodness!)

Oh and the best part of homemade chicken salad: So yummy with diced celery and bell peppers (red, green and orange really brighten it up making it look amazing!), also, crushed almonds!

Week 3

I am in my 3rd week of actively watching my portion sizes and working out. Also started the 3rd week of Couch to 5 K.

After feeling pretty sore all week and pushing through I had a lazy weekend. Meaning I stayed away from the gym, stuck to On-Demand videos and the Wii Fit.

The 5 K was amazing. To see so many people in one place for one cause. I was invited by a friend for a breast cancer walk. With each lap we got faster, ending with a 58 minute walk. (Not counting the time we stopped and waited for the rest of the Edible Arrangement's team.) I am looking forward to trying to do a MS walk in April. I'd love to walk for something that hits close to home.

 I watched my portions all weekend but ate a bunch of crap. I was convinced the scale would be much higher this morning. But it was 2 lbs less! Eight lbs lost since October 6th!

Today was day 1 of the 3rd week for C25K. So hard, pushed through, ran extra 90 seconds! 30 minutes, 1.88 miles hitting the mile mark at 15:20. Between that and the scale going down instead of up, it's been a happy day.

My current mini goal is to have a 10 lb total weight loss by November 6th, my one month mark. I am still struggling with portions. Like instant oatmeal? I usually make 3 packets. I was doing just one for a bit there, but have snuck back up to two. I am still working on the portions with everything else though and doing okay! Heck, Saturday night Thomas and Eddie (nephew) had mini reese's and reese's pieces! I could have snuck out half from each bag, but instead I just stole exactly one portion from each. Tasted oh so good!

Now onto progress pictures (don't mind the grumpy expressions):

Week 2:

 Week 3:

Still going strong!

Week 2 Complete.

I mentioned a couple of days ago I had started Couch to 5K (C25K). Today I did my 3rd day of Week Two. And boy did I suffer! What makes no sense to me is, Day 1 was not bad at all! I mean I was beyond scared of running for 90 straight seconds, but I did it and with each run I completed, I felt amazing! I was so high on happiness when I completed the last run. Day 2 was hard, and I really felt it that night. My knees were killing me! Today, while I did get my 2nd furthest distance, was the hardest yet! I honestly did not think I'd finish! With each run I was planning on quiting. I did stick it out and for that I am super proud of myself, but damn that was hard! The inside of my calves are killing me. I swear I was expecting a fire to spontaneously start from them with each run! Week three I have to do a couple 3 minute runs! Oh man...

Eating is going well! I am so proud of myself at the moment. Since we have to get skim, 1 or 2 percent milk with Collin's WIC checks and Bailey needs whole milk when drinking milk, I decided to take the plunge and drink some 2%. I know it isn't the healthiest, but I'll take it! And I am slowly decreasing the amount of sugar I put in my tea as well! This is a big thing! I usually add ten, yes ten teaspoons per 10 oz cup of tea. I also usually put a bunch on my WIC cereals. I have started eating the Quaker Oat Squares and the Honey Oat's and Flakes (contains granola as well) and both are actually tasty with out loading on teaspoon after teaspoon of sugar. Who knew?

Newest accomplishment: I can actually get into push up position! I still can't do a push up but I can go half way down and back up! I can also do the yoga stance, downward dog. That one position has always deterred me away from yoga. I am so excited! I can't believe after just 16 days I am actually seeing changes! Mostly, I can't believe I am still sticking with it after 16 days! Go me!

If anyone has any healthy suggestions on to get that scale to move a bit faster, or how to sustain running for 3 minutes straight, I'd love to hear them! (Other than slow down, I already am really slow! I can walk at my running speed.)

Also, if anyone knows any good weight loss or fitness blogs, please share in the comments as well!
Thank you so much to those who have been so supportive of my yo yo urges to do this. I finally believe I can do this. I will lose the weight needed and I will get in good enough shape to play harder with my kids.

Survived the 1st two weeks.

I have been trying on and off since Bailey's birth to get fit, eat right, and be a healthy weight. Since her birth, I put on 25+ lbs. Yep I said it. My highest weight ever (not pregnant). 205 lbs. Whew. That was hard. This is the 1st time I am saying it out loud. Two weeks ago, today, I said screw it. We had finished dinner early. Another dinner of me filling my plate and not stopping until it was empty. Just they way I was taught growing up. There are starving children in China, don't ya know? Must always eat everything on your plate. Always. Or there would be beatings, televisions and toys taken away, and being locked in bedrooms only to be allowed to eat or use the bathroom. Needless to say I have always been one to clear my plate. Even when dieting.

I am done dieting. I am done having a gym membership that I only use a few times a month-if that. I need a lifestyle change.

Heard this before? Yeah, I said it before. I've attempted before. Yet, something seems different. I've never taken before pictures before. I've never taken measurements before. I've never successfully logged my calories more than a few days before. I've never gone to the gym 4 times in a week before. I've never worked out at home more than 4 times a week before.

I have gone to the gym every single day for the past two weeks, some days twice. Yes, my body is sore, but last night I saw some results. While attempting a beginners yoga video, I was able to touch my toes without bending my knees! May not seem like a big deal to most, but for me this is huge. I've not been able to touch my toes since elementary school. I've been aiming for 60+ minutes of cardio daily and strength training and toning 4 days a week. I've also started the Couch to 5 K program (C25K) Today will be W(week)2D(day)2! It is so hard! With each hour leading up to actually getting on the treadmill, I dread those running jogging intervals. During each run jog I push myself until I can't push no further. And I am doing it. It was so hard last week when I began. That 1st 60 second run jog nearly killed me. I pushed through. Monday when I started W2, that 1st 90 second run jog I saw a flash of white. I pushed through. I never stick with anything too long, so I am petrified off falling off the wagon. Eating is my biggest problem, which I didn't realize until I took a good look at my diet. Thanks to financial problems, I am no longer drinking my Starbucks Vivanno's, Dunkin' Donut's Latte's, McDonald's Smoothies. I am still having my nightly bowl of ice cream after the kids go to bed, but that is better than a 1/4 of a lb size bag of Reese's. And I've cut my portion size down. I am no longer filling my bowl completely to the top. Now it is 2/3 of the way. Baby steps people! I want these changes to last a lifetime.

Speaking of portions.. When making myself a bowl of cereal, I measured out the correct amounts. Wow. I was eating 3x the amount recommended in one bowl! I have a lot to change. I have time to change it though. I have a lifetime to make lifetime changes. And I will.

I have to pictures I want to share here. Hopefully to hold myself accountable. They are on Facebook, in an album viewable only to me. I am afraid to show them but if I can run jog 90 seconds straight, I can do this too. And I will share my *gasp* measurements as well... So scary!

Measurements 

Neck: 13.5''

Bust: 41"

Hips: 41"

Arms: (Left) 15.5" (Right) 15"

Thighs: (Both) 28"

That was hard. No going back now. I must continue this journey. I have a minimum of 50 lbs to lose. I want to lost 60. My starting BMI was 34.1; I am currently at 33.1. Both of which are in the obese range. I really want to get down to a healthy weight. Not obese, not overweight, but healthy. To just move from "obese" to "over wieght" I need to get down to 179 lbs. The heaviest I should be and still be in the healthy range is 149.5. I could only dream of being in the 140's! 135 would put me right smack dab in the middle of the healthy range. I don't see that ever happen. 149 would be amazing!

Most people say I hide my weight well. I think everyone is blind. While others found me sickly when I was down to 150 lbs just two years ago, I was also coming off of Heroin. This time I will not have track marks on my arms and hands and that anorexic look. I will do this right. For my children. For myself. 

Just because I am really trying with this C25K program, I also would like to share my 1st week, and start of the 2nd with you.

Week One:

W1D1
     28:46 min; 1.45 miles

W1D2

28:54 min; 1.65 miles

W1D3

27:14 min; 1.63 miles

Week Two:

W2D1

30 min; 1.82 miles

Today I will do W2D3, hopefully. Unfortunately, the gym is closer than anywhere I'd like to do this outside. And my only way of tracking my distance.

I've also been working out on the Wii Fit and Gold's Gym Cardio Workout (Wii).

I aim to do 30 minutes of free step while watching television. And Gold's Gym while the kids are occupied. I usually sweat like a pig when working out. Thank you Methadone. Love that side effect. The Cardio workout is intense for someone as out of shape as I am. But I love it! Nothing like punching away stress.

Anyway, I've attempted to use this blog to hold myself accountable before. Here's to hoping this time is the charm! I'd love to be 149 lbs by next May!

Goals:

Be satisfied eating proper portion sizes.

Size 9 jeans.

Size med top.

No muffin top! 

Run 5 K with out walking

Keep up with kids when playing outside and running around.

50 push ups.

10 pull ups.

Ability to get up from the ground without struggle.

Ability to do yoga poses! 

Bend over with out my stomach getting in the way. 

I just don't want to look like this anymore:

Before

I'd much rather be like this:

After??

I am fat.

Other than my parents and brother, I haven't had any one come right out and insult me with fat jokes or insults. Or just plain call me fat. That is until now.

This morning, I went to the methadone program as I do every Wednesday when most of North America is still sleeping, or at least home. Everything is business as usual until I get in my car. It takes me a minute to fall into such a low car with an even lower driver's seat. So my door was open for a minute. Not open all the way, as the car next to me was able to back out without a problem as I was climbing in. Next thing I know I am being screamed at. Yes, I should have closed my door faster knowing that my fellow junkies can be a tad "rush-y" this early in their day.

"Close your door you fat bitch"
I was in such shock at the comment, and am already an extremely sensitive (cries at the drop of a hat) person.
The tears welled up before I could even think to reach for the door.

"Ya stupid fuckin' cow! Close your door"
As he shouted this comment I was closing my door. I yelled back to him that I was sorry. If he had just honked or yelled close the door, it would have been closed faster. Again, saying I was sorry.

He just went on and on and on, wasting the time he claimed I was taking from him. "You are just trying to make me late." Yea, my whole goal in life is to make everyone else as miserable as I am most days. Really, my life revolves around people I happen to walk by once a week.




This whole incident lasted 2-3 minutes TOPS. Yet, it really got to me. As I drove off all I could think to myself was, "I am fat..."
My mother used to tell me all the time how I looked like a whale. My dad would ask me why my sister looks like this, and I look like that. Why my thighs were so large, why I have a muffin top... My brother always knew how to get to me: call me a slut or something along those lines or call me fat.

So this morning, him dropping this F-bomb, really stung. I have always had low self-esteem. I have always thought of myself as the ugly sibling. Our family has a joke that the only reason I had kids is for the attention.

I absolutely hate my body.
I haven't felt comfortable in shorts since elementary school.
I hadn't worn a bathing suit for years until last year when I actually felt good about my(pregnant)self.
It took me becoming a heroin addict to finally feel comfortable in my skin. And then the few months of new sobriety before pregnancy, I felt amazing.
It was short lived.
I weigh now at least 15 lbs more than I did on the day I delivered Bailey.

I know some of my weight is my problem. I eat reese's daily, I get iced lattes or frappes daily. I don't get to the gym as often as I should.

I am the person who needs results. I will spend a week or two really eating right and hitting the gym, and see NO results whatsoever, or even gain a lb or two.
Why stick with it?



As always with my blogging this is leading to a rambling mess. I am just so sick of being labeled as fat.
No wonder I have really taken to the new ABC Family drama, Huge....

No more Cheesecake

As we all know I have been doing great with dieting and exercise. I have been working out 4-5 times a week, walking daily, and eating right. Until the holiday of course.. I swear since Thursday I have had at least six slices of cheesecake, oops. Thats not including the banana creme pie, the apple pie, the mashed potato's, the everything, LOL! This is so hard there is still half a cheesecake in the fridge.. I want it so bad.. Instead I marched my way over, grabbed a bottle of water and a granola bar, chugged the water-all of it and ate my granola bar. I am full. I still can devour that cheesecake if I let myself though ;]

No more cheesecake. I just posted yesterday that I am in a size 11. I will get to a size 9, I am not going the other way. I am not fighting this battle for nothing here! I can continue, two days of feasting is not going to knock me down!

Feels So Good.

Today is Black Friday. Never once have I ever set foot into a store on black Friday before. Until today. I had to go to Wal*Mart, LEI jeans were just $8, instead of the usual $20. Cannot beat that right? I needed new pants anyway since all of mine are too big front the weight loss. So I go in and there is only one pair in my "new" size, juniours 13. Since I am planning on losing more weight I bought a pair of 11's in hope of fitting in them by the new year. I haven't worn an 11 since I was in 6th grade, 11/12 years old. Well fuck me! They fit now! I am so flippin' ecstatic it't not even the least bit funny.

Dream size, 9, here I come!

Counting Cals, Photography, Parenting, Sobriety, & The Work Force

Counting Cals
Eating healthy is going great! 3 days is longer than I have ever made it. I haven't eaten over 1,500 calories in three days, but am not hungry. Now to work on including breakfast everyday. It is a pain in the butt to watch calories though, but I like having something to focus on.

Sunday: 1,445
Monday: 1,245
Tuesday: 1,169

I will probably have another snack around 9:30..



Photography 101
I just joined a new message board, http://ilovephotography.com/forums/, I probably won't frequent it as much as I do the photo-board on Just Mommies, but I will hang around a bit.

I am still struggling in Manual on my camera.. for some reason I cannot get anything but very black photo's unless it is complete daylight.. whatever, I will figure it out something.

I applied for 3 different photography positions today, hopefully someone will call. All of them provide free training, so we will see.


Bed time Blues
I have never mentioned this before, but we really have a lot of trouble getting Thomas to sleep and were starting to have the same issues with Collin. Not only did I start my diet on Sunday, but I started a new bedtime routine for the boys. 7:45 Collin gets his last bottle. We brush his teeth. By now it is 8p.m. I put on his Baby Mozart DVD. I lay him down w/ his blankey, lion, puppy, and wormy. Give him his kiss and tell him I love him and walk out. He is completely out by 8:30, so then it is Thomas's turn. He brushes his teeth, goes potty one last time and then picks a movie. I put it on, tuck him in and give him a kiss and hug and we say our I love you's. The boys are adjusting well to this. I really hope it sticks!


Sobriety
Man does it suck... I watched intervention last night and was nearly drooling over a guy sticking a needle in his arm. How freaking sick? Today I was finally given a urine at the program.. but of course, I couldn't pee. I swear unless I am pregnant or peeing on a stick I cannot go. I can't.. This sucks, I cannot progress in the program unless they know I am clean, they won't know I am clean unless I give a urine. And.. I cannot give a urine..

Also, my counselor left Friday.. So I am without a counselor.. Also, I was supposed to meet the psychiatrist for the 1st time last week but he had an emergency. I cannot reschedule that appt. until I get a new counselor, so another week or so I have to wait. I really need to build a rapport with these people so I can learn to trust them and fully open up. I need to get a lot out, figure out a lot, and learn some things about myself. And get on some medication..

The Work Force
I quit Stop & Shop 3 weeks ago, started selling kirbys, quit that.. Now I am waiting for the post office to send me my practice tests and test date. Hopefully I can get in.. At least it pays well and has awesome benefits. I would have loved to have stuck w/ Kirby, I was sooo good at it! The hours sucked though, I was never home. 8:45a-9:30-10p is way too long of a day with two small children.

Counting Cals.

So far today:
20 oz hot cocoa from gas station, 225
toms ckn noodle soup w/ 5 ritz cracker, 230
12 oz iced tea, 120
1c prepared speghetti w/ 2tbsp lobster sauce and 1 tbsp grated cheese, 260
1 tbsp reese pb chips, 80
1 brownie, 80

Yesterday, my grand total was 1445 with a few things I ate after I posted yesterday.

154?!?!

Oh no! I knew the halloween candy would do it. I knew it.. I have been pigging out, porking out, and just plain devouring chocolate, sweets, brownies, and cookies for the past 10 days. Of course some of the lbs I have lost came back.. So freaking depressing. I have always been on the heavy side. At 13 I wieghed 140 lbs. At 14 I was up to 160. 15, 150. 16, 160. 17, 180. 18, 200. 19, 180, 20, 175, 21, 214. I am still 21. Since January I have lost 64 lbs, getting me down to 150 lbs, the lowest since I was 15, six years ago. Sadly, I did not do this the right way, but I have never felt better about my physical appearance, but after cleaning up my life, my old eating habits have been returning. Now, to maintain my healthy weight, maybe drop 20 lbs more. I want to do this right! I read that to maintain my weight with my body type and metabolism I should eat 2016 Calories/day now for fat loss 1612 Calories/day and for extreme fat loss, 1232 Calories/day. I have also read cutting down more than 500 Cal/day in a short time or more, will slow my metabolism. We do not want that! Anyway, within my ramblings I will also include what I have eaten for the day, as of that post. I normally have around 2,500-3,000 calories a day. So for the next 4 days I will aim for 2,000, with 25,000 being the absolute most. Today, I was busy so it was a slow eating day for me. I find if I am bored or not busy I eat more.

So here is today, so far, I will probably eat another something before bed, always have a snack around 9, 3 hours before bedtime.
24 oz of iced tea, 240 cal.
1 So. Beach dinner, 240 cal.
1 choco. donut, 180 cal.
2 fun size candy bars, 160 cal.
1 slice of bacon, 80 cal.
16 oz hot chocolate, 225 cal.
Total: 1125 cal



I have also walked the block and raked ½ the yard.

Oh! Just an F.Y.I. my BMI is 25, making me over weight. A healthy weight for someone my height is 115-145, depending on body type. My goal is 130 lbs! 24 lbs to lose!

Mumbo Jumbo

This post is really just a bunch of nonsense:

1. I did a little photo shoot with my hubbs today, lol!


2. My bestest budd Rachel made this for me for my signature on Justmommies


3. Since things have gotten better with the addiction I am paranoid about gaining weight. I have always been the "fat chick" when I am out, or with anyone I know and I finally feel good about myself with how I look. Now that I am clean, I am petrified of gaining weight. So a healthy diet and exercise it will have to be! Wish me luck on that one..

4. I am really, really missing my camera at the moment. I have always loved photography, and would love to get back into it.. But I need the money first.. At least I know I will have my camera back before halloween.. Anyway, missing photography I took these two shots just goofing off.. I know they suck ;)