Week 3

I am in my 3rd week of actively watching my portion sizes and working out. Also started the 3rd week of Couch to 5 K.

After feeling pretty sore all week and pushing through I had a lazy weekend. Meaning I stayed away from the gym, stuck to On-Demand videos and the Wii Fit.

The 5 K was amazing. To see so many people in one place for one cause. I was invited by a friend for a breast cancer walk. With each lap we got faster, ending with a 58 minute walk. (Not counting the time we stopped and waited for the rest of the Edible Arrangement's team.) I am looking forward to trying to do a MS walk in April. I'd love to walk for something that hits close to home.

 I watched my portions all weekend but ate a bunch of crap. I was convinced the scale would be much higher this morning. But it was 2 lbs less! Eight lbs lost since October 6th!

Today was day 1 of the 3rd week for C25K. So hard, pushed through, ran extra 90 seconds! 30 minutes, 1.88 miles hitting the mile mark at 15:20. Between that and the scale going down instead of up, it's been a happy day.

My current mini goal is to have a 10 lb total weight loss by November 6th, my one month mark. I am still struggling with portions. Like instant oatmeal? I usually make 3 packets. I was doing just one for a bit there, but have snuck back up to two. I am still working on the portions with everything else though and doing okay! Heck, Saturday night Thomas and Eddie (nephew) had mini reese's and reese's pieces! I could have snuck out half from each bag, but instead I just stole exactly one portion from each. Tasted oh so good!

Now onto progress pictures (don't mind the grumpy expressions):

Week 2:

 Week 3:

Still going strong!

Survived the 1st two weeks.

I have been trying on and off since Bailey's birth to get fit, eat right, and be a healthy weight. Since her birth, I put on 25+ lbs. Yep I said it. My highest weight ever (not pregnant). 205 lbs. Whew. That was hard. This is the 1st time I am saying it out loud. Two weeks ago, today, I said screw it. We had finished dinner early. Another dinner of me filling my plate and not stopping until it was empty. Just they way I was taught growing up. There are starving children in China, don't ya know? Must always eat everything on your plate. Always. Or there would be beatings, televisions and toys taken away, and being locked in bedrooms only to be allowed to eat or use the bathroom. Needless to say I have always been one to clear my plate. Even when dieting.

I am done dieting. I am done having a gym membership that I only use a few times a month-if that. I need a lifestyle change.

Heard this before? Yeah, I said it before. I've attempted before. Yet, something seems different. I've never taken before pictures before. I've never taken measurements before. I've never successfully logged my calories more than a few days before. I've never gone to the gym 4 times in a week before. I've never worked out at home more than 4 times a week before.

I have gone to the gym every single day for the past two weeks, some days twice. Yes, my body is sore, but last night I saw some results. While attempting a beginners yoga video, I was able to touch my toes without bending my knees! May not seem like a big deal to most, but for me this is huge. I've not been able to touch my toes since elementary school. I've been aiming for 60+ minutes of cardio daily and strength training and toning 4 days a week. I've also started the Couch to 5 K program (C25K) Today will be W(week)2D(day)2! It is so hard! With each hour leading up to actually getting on the treadmill, I dread those running jogging intervals. During each run jog I push myself until I can't push no further. And I am doing it. It was so hard last week when I began. That 1st 60 second run jog nearly killed me. I pushed through. Monday when I started W2, that 1st 90 second run jog I saw a flash of white. I pushed through. I never stick with anything too long, so I am petrified off falling off the wagon. Eating is my biggest problem, which I didn't realize until I took a good look at my diet. Thanks to financial problems, I am no longer drinking my Starbucks Vivanno's, Dunkin' Donut's Latte's, McDonald's Smoothies. I am still having my nightly bowl of ice cream after the kids go to bed, but that is better than a 1/4 of a lb size bag of Reese's. And I've cut my portion size down. I am no longer filling my bowl completely to the top. Now it is 2/3 of the way. Baby steps people! I want these changes to last a lifetime.

Speaking of portions.. When making myself a bowl of cereal, I measured out the correct amounts. Wow. I was eating 3x the amount recommended in one bowl! I have a lot to change. I have time to change it though. I have a lifetime to make lifetime changes. And I will.

I have to pictures I want to share here. Hopefully to hold myself accountable. They are on Facebook, in an album viewable only to me. I am afraid to show them but if I can run jog 90 seconds straight, I can do this too. And I will share my *gasp* measurements as well... So scary!

Measurements 

Neck: 13.5''

Bust: 41"

Hips: 41"

Arms: (Left) 15.5" (Right) 15"

Thighs: (Both) 28"

That was hard. No going back now. I must continue this journey. I have a minimum of 50 lbs to lose. I want to lost 60. My starting BMI was 34.1; I am currently at 33.1. Both of which are in the obese range. I really want to get down to a healthy weight. Not obese, not overweight, but healthy. To just move from "obese" to "over wieght" I need to get down to 179 lbs. The heaviest I should be and still be in the healthy range is 149.5. I could only dream of being in the 140's! 135 would put me right smack dab in the middle of the healthy range. I don't see that ever happen. 149 would be amazing!

Most people say I hide my weight well. I think everyone is blind. While others found me sickly when I was down to 150 lbs just two years ago, I was also coming off of Heroin. This time I will not have track marks on my arms and hands and that anorexic look. I will do this right. For my children. For myself. 

Just because I am really trying with this C25K program, I also would like to share my 1st week, and start of the 2nd with you.

Week One:

W1D1
     28:46 min; 1.45 miles

W1D2

28:54 min; 1.65 miles

W1D3

27:14 min; 1.63 miles

Week Two:

W2D1

30 min; 1.82 miles

Today I will do W2D3, hopefully. Unfortunately, the gym is closer than anywhere I'd like to do this outside. And my only way of tracking my distance.

I've also been working out on the Wii Fit and Gold's Gym Cardio Workout (Wii).

I aim to do 30 minutes of free step while watching television. And Gold's Gym while the kids are occupied. I usually sweat like a pig when working out. Thank you Methadone. Love that side effect. The Cardio workout is intense for someone as out of shape as I am. But I love it! Nothing like punching away stress.

Anyway, I've attempted to use this blog to hold myself accountable before. Here's to hoping this time is the charm! I'd love to be 149 lbs by next May!

Goals:

Be satisfied eating proper portion sizes.

Size 9 jeans.

Size med top.

No muffin top! 

Run 5 K with out walking

Keep up with kids when playing outside and running around.

50 push ups.

10 pull ups.

Ability to get up from the ground without struggle.

Ability to do yoga poses! 

Bend over with out my stomach getting in the way. 

I just don't want to look like this anymore:

Before

I'd much rather be like this:

After??

I am fat.

Other than my parents and brother, I haven't had any one come right out and insult me with fat jokes or insults. Or just plain call me fat. That is until now.

This morning, I went to the methadone program as I do every Wednesday when most of North America is still sleeping, or at least home. Everything is business as usual until I get in my car. It takes me a minute to fall into such a low car with an even lower driver's seat. So my door was open for a minute. Not open all the way, as the car next to me was able to back out without a problem as I was climbing in. Next thing I know I am being screamed at. Yes, I should have closed my door faster knowing that my fellow junkies can be a tad "rush-y" this early in their day.

"Close your door you fat bitch"
I was in such shock at the comment, and am already an extremely sensitive (cries at the drop of a hat) person.
The tears welled up before I could even think to reach for the door.

"Ya stupid fuckin' cow! Close your door"
As he shouted this comment I was closing my door. I yelled back to him that I was sorry. If he had just honked or yelled close the door, it would have been closed faster. Again, saying I was sorry.

He just went on and on and on, wasting the time he claimed I was taking from him. "You are just trying to make me late." Yea, my whole goal in life is to make everyone else as miserable as I am most days. Really, my life revolves around people I happen to walk by once a week.




This whole incident lasted 2-3 minutes TOPS. Yet, it really got to me. As I drove off all I could think to myself was, "I am fat..."
My mother used to tell me all the time how I looked like a whale. My dad would ask me why my sister looks like this, and I look like that. Why my thighs were so large, why I have a muffin top... My brother always knew how to get to me: call me a slut or something along those lines or call me fat.

So this morning, him dropping this F-bomb, really stung. I have always had low self-esteem. I have always thought of myself as the ugly sibling. Our family has a joke that the only reason I had kids is for the attention.

I absolutely hate my body.
I haven't felt comfortable in shorts since elementary school.
I hadn't worn a bathing suit for years until last year when I actually felt good about my(pregnant)self.
It took me becoming a heroin addict to finally feel comfortable in my skin. And then the few months of new sobriety before pregnancy, I felt amazing.
It was short lived.
I weigh now at least 15 lbs more than I did on the day I delivered Bailey.

I know some of my weight is my problem. I eat reese's daily, I get iced lattes or frappes daily. I don't get to the gym as often as I should.

I am the person who needs results. I will spend a week or two really eating right and hitting the gym, and see NO results whatsoever, or even gain a lb or two.
Why stick with it?



As always with my blogging this is leading to a rambling mess. I am just so sick of being labeled as fat.
No wonder I have really taken to the new ABC Family drama, Huge....