Friday, February 27, 2009

Bailey or Samual?

Since we miscarried we have had Bailey Grace picked out as our girl name. We absolutely love it! We have decided to add Elizabeth to it to honor my Nana Elizabeth Grace. And my mother, Grace Elizabeth.

This time around I get to decide the boy name. Man oh man, was it hard to think of a traditional sounding name that flowed well with Thomas Harold and Collin Paul. We decided to go with Samual after Tom's grandfather and Adam, after the beer Sam Adams.

The reason for the naming after a beer is because of our names. Tom Collin(s) the drink. Bailys Irish Cream. So Adam just fit perfectly with Samual.

So the bean in my belly is:
Bailey Grace Elizabeth Montgomery
Samual Adam Montgomery

I am so absolutely in love.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

No More

No more can I deal with the confusion of my husband being back at work for two or three days to be laid off, yet again.

No more can I deal with my father treating me like the rotton, no good, middle child.

No more can I deal with my so called family only being able to remember the few months I have fucked up, instead of the years I have always been the educated, intelligent person I really am.

No more can I deal with two faced bitches who come into and out of my life like a fucking roller coaster to have blast with but still get fucked in the end.

No more will I let my mothers disease dictate who she is. She is not a nut. She is a person, just a nutty person.

No more will I let others dictate who I am.

I am a person.
A damn good person!
I am a mother.
A really good mother!
I am a wife.
A pretty decent wife!
I am an employee.
The best damn employee any boss has had.
I am me!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

2nd OB appt & belly pic

My second ob-gyn appt was today. I have lost 8 lbs since my 1st; putting me at 163 lbs. I was 165 officially pre-pg, gained 6, down 8, total of 2 lb loss. So far.
Urine fine, blood pressure fine, told to try emetrol? for the morning sickness.

Morning sickness is offically all day long sickness. It has gotten to a point where it is not just at home anymore. Also, in the car and at work. I can't keep down the methadone or my prenatal vitamin.

I am still struggling with the smoking habit. I am not smoking anywhere near what I was before that +, so that is a good thing. Just not good enough.

Here is me at 8 weeks.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Looking towards the future

Another week gone by, I guess you can say I am officially 2 months pregnant. Wow, 2 months? That's it? Yup. Its been almost 5 weeks since I found out baby #3 was on his or her way.

I am finally becoming as excited as I was with the boys.
I am totally looking forward to having another itsy bitsy baby around.

Mostly, though, I am looking forward to the next 8 months. Do not forget a pregnancy is 10 months! Not 9!

I am really looking forward to watching my body grow, there is nothing more beautiful and amazing than a woman who's pregnant. The attention recieved is always so positive, at least in my experiance.

Also, I cannot wait to feel the flutters, then the kicks, then the baby just moving in the slightest way. With Collin I had a anterior placenta and he was breech, so I didn't feel much at all, the entire pregnancy. I am really hoping this baby is super active like my Thomas was!

Also, I cannot wait to go into labor, I am quite interested in seeing if I could go natural again. I really want to!

And lastly, watching this little blob that relies on me for every last thing, grow into a person, with his or her own needs and desires.

Little pumpkin pea, I cannot wait to see you grow into a little person. I love you so much already.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Dare I post?

He is back at work! Tom finally went in today!
I am so so proud!

Tom is having alot of mental health problems, and I am just so proud he went in today..

yay! Maybe soon we can live normal!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I don't wanna grow up: Missing my sis.

I saw you other day. And you couldn't even acknowlage me.
Granted I didn't acknowlage you either..but..
Why do I always have to be the grown up one and make the 1st move?
Why do I have to be the one to call? Write? Speak?
You never initiate conversation.
You are older.
I do not want to be the big girl and make the 1st move.
All I do want is a "hey, how ya doing?"
Or a "Congrats? How are you coping?"
Just something to show you care..

Guess I need to re listen to the Rolling Stones:
"You can't always get what you want,
but if you try sometime,
you get what you need."

All I need is what I always see. A sister (or brother) who worries about me, who is there for me, as I can be there for them.

Monday, February 16, 2009

New Belly shot & Latest Ultrasound!

Well here is 7 weeks inside:
and 7 weeks outside:

Baby is doing great growing perfectly <3
We are officially due on October 3rd!


Sunday, February 15, 2009

Daddy Dearest.

Darling daughter, special son...
both of which always considered number one.
When will I be number one?
Wait I am now... Number one when it comes to making the health and financial decisions when Daddy dearest is too far gone to do so himself.
Other than when it comes to smarts I am nothing. Daddy's biggest fuck up, though I am the only child of his with a job, that has ever fled the nest, that takes care of his or her own.

Why is dearest daughter can't even call and ask how I am? Why is it she and special son, both just think I am stupid and need to 'grow up'?
Do they not see how damaged I truley am

Friday, February 13, 2009

I need a friend.

I need a friend to be there for me, as I can be there for them.
I need a friend to listen when I need an ear.
I need a friend who will get me away, when I can't catch a break.
I need a friend who can watch my kids, so I can get some time alone.
I need a friend who can gossip and bitch with the best of 'em.
I need a friend who can come to me with any of their problems.
I need a friend who can count on me, and let me count on them
I need a friendship that goes both ways.
I need a friend.

Oh baby pea.

You are already being like your big brothers. Driving mama nuts.

Morning sickness, so over tired, cramps, cravings...

I have never experianced any real 1st trimester symptoms before so this is new to me.
Man I love you already.

Baby Pea, I am so sorry I have not quit smoking yet, I am trying so so hard. I can go all day, but the minute I am at work, that craving is there. Tonight, I am not buying my smokes before work, which means I will not have a choice but not to smoke.

I hope it works.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

How will I get by?

How will I get by with out you to bitch to?
How will I get by with out you to help me through?
How will I get by with out you by my side?
Who will I complain to?
Who will I hang out with when I am bored?
Who will I go out to lunch with? And Will they pay?

Nana, through out each of my pregnancies, you have always been there.
Been there to listen, keep company, and to gossip.
Who will help me stay sane this time?
Who will calm my nerves?
Who will drive me to the hospital?
Remember! It is supposed to be you!
Remember after I had Collin? Finally 21? You and I were supposed to go out for drinks at Chilli's! And for our "shots." Man those shots at chilli's were so good...

Who will rock this baby to sleep? Who will instantly stop this baby's crying?
Collin still is desperate to meet you! He wants cookies too.
Thomas misses you bunches, lady, why can't you still be here?

This year without you has been hell, I need you to help me make life better.
Without you, life just doesn't seem worth it.
But I am still needed, so I have to wait to join you.
Listen lady, as soon as I can, I will! I still need my rematch in Skipbo, I know you cheated!

Thomas was asking for you on Halloween. Wondered where you were.
The holidays aren't the same without you, Nana.
We all need you here.

But you are gone. No longer here.
No longer there to listen, to care.

My mother will never take your place.
She will never be the Nana you were.
Hopefully one day, I can compare.

Nana, I hope Tom is right!
I hope this baby is your way of coming back.
I hope this baby is your way of shedding some light.

Tom misses you so much also.
He had no one to get drunk with at Christmas,
no one to pass out at the table with.

Man oh man lady, we need you still..

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

We have a heartbeat!

!!! Still so tiny we cannot measure a fetal pole but we have a heartbeat!

We still do not have a due date but are due the beginning of October, sometime around the 6th I guess..

last week:


The 2nd set of Quants, forgot to post!

1st set: 8997
2nd set: 13976

over 42 hours!!

Weekly Tummy Time

8 weeks (or 6...)

Today we will see.

We will see you baby pea for the 1st time today.
Mommy and Daddy are more than thrilled.
One week ago, you weren't quite there, just an empty little yolk sac.
Today, you will be there. We cannot wait to see you.
Will you be shaped like a tiny mini whale like Thomas?
Like a little lima bean like CBM?
Or a kidney bean like Collin?
Oh, little pea we cannot wait to see!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Father, for you have sinned.

Stop this man for he will kill.

Kill my body mind and soul.

Does he not seee what he does to me? To my husband? My children?

My husband should not worry if today is the day I kill.

He should not worry if it is my father or I.

Its funny how it is my father who provides.

He provides my family with shelter. With light. With cable and internet entertainment.

But why must he rub it in our face during every waking hour.
Not with warm words, but with hurtful angry ones, which make us feel like insignificants, losers, failures.

Then comes big the apology.
The, "I'm sorry, I don't know why I acted that way."
The, "Let me buy you off with presents, or pay you off with cash."

Can't he just understand? We are doing everything in our power now. We are saving every cent.
Does he not see how focused we are? Not even to get out for us. To get away from him.

My children do not need to see mommy screaming and slamming her face into walls.
Especially as she is working so hard on staying calm.

What works? I sat in here counting to 10.. didn't work.. biting my nails.. didn't work.. squeezing my pillow, hugging my son.. nothing works to stay calm, its even worse with him. At least when I argue with my husband, I end up braking down. Realizing how stupid I have been behaving. Not with dear fucking Daddy. Maybe its the clashing personalities.. Maybe the zodiac actually means something. Maybe its our destany for being born exactly 30 years apart to the day. Who fucking knows? Yet, we clash. Bad. Nothing but another can stop us when we fight.

Yet, here I go rambling on again, again with no point.

Whatever, one day it won't get to me. One day I will get out of this state. One day he will realize he needs to just grow the fuck up..

With Love, Your Granddaughter

The tears flowing down, as thoughts of you continue to whirl all around.
My heart beckons for you to return to me, I just want you to see.
To see how terrible I do without your guidance. Without you I seem I'm in a trance.
I need to grow up, move on, make do. I must stop putting all the blame on you.
Two days shy of already one year. This year has been too much to bare.
Now, I will start to mend. I can't change that you are dead.
I can, though, change the way I am. It's time for me to form a plan.
A plan of action if you will. A plan to get by with my heart fulfilled.
Fulfilled with your love, for me and mine. This will get easier with patience and time.
As each day flies by, the more I will try.
To remember, to miss, to grieve, and to live.
Because you have taught me, I have so much to give.
-♥Love, Your granddaughter, Nicole♥-

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Thats it, I quit.

Tom is back to work! Woot Wott!

Man I am so excited, yet so over tired..

soooo.. I QUIT!

I quit the gas station. I was only there a month, yes it was part time, yes it was more than minimum wage, but I don't care!

I Quit! Pictures, Images and Photos

Thursday, February 5, 2009

My Stuntman

So this is morning sickness?

With both my boys the 1st trimester was perfect. No morning sickness whatsoever. I got sick once with Thomas, after eating eggs and drinking milk.. but that was it.

Since Monday evening I have been so nausious. Ready to vomit but not quite, the whole watering mouth thing and all. Yesterday my entire lunch ended in the toilet. Right now, I feel as if my chocolate milk will end up down there too..

This pregnancy is just beginning and is already so different from everything I know.

Am I putting too much thought into thinking pink?

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Can't get enough

White chocolate macadamia nut cookies and Tropicana O.J! Man I want some right now..
The says sweets and OJ means girl.. hmmmm?

The Quants are in!

After my anxiety went through the roof I finally called the one person who can help me: Nurse Laura at my OB's office. "Laura, I know the ultrasound is just one week from today, but I am really freaking out. What can I do to ease my nerves? Can I get the HcG Quants done?" Of course she said yes, and off to give more blood I went. (This was yesterday.)

The results are in 8997.
What I have read says:
1-2 months: 5,000 - 200,000

Now lets hope for some doubling by tomarrow~!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

1st Ultrasound was yesterday.

I wasn't even nervous going in. Just so excited. I get to see my little pea. 7w3d? I should see a little blob in there. We go in. Just a sac. I was going crazy in my mind. It was thinking, blighted ovum, miscarriage, everything bad that can happen and totally not thinking healthy little embryo. I don't know what to think. I want to think positively. I do not want to be thinking nothing but the bad. We had sex between Christmas and New Years. My last period was December 15th. That makes sense since I should have ovulated around December 29th. Yet.. I have posted about our mess of home pregnancy tests.. The ultrasound is putting me at 5weeks3days. Which would make my last period December 29th. And putting us having sex around Jan 12th. and getting a faint positive around Jan 22nd which is what happened.

Maybe I am looking way to far into this.. Maybe I am just a total pessimist and I will never be able to picture the glass half full. Maybe baby 3 isn't meant to be. Maybe I need a drink and a smoke, but that can't happen..

Monday, February 2, 2009

6 and 7 week photos


The worries

How can we do this? How will we get by?
How will shelter, clothe, and provide?
How will we love another?
How will I be a good enough mother?
Will we make it through?
Will we make-do?

Excited, depressed.
Mind unable to be made.
Will this pregnancy be healthy?
Will I make it through sane?

The scares and worries are taking control.
And all I want is to stay positive.

This baby will be healthy. I will make it until at least September 1st. I will be able to support him or her. and I will make sure this baby thrives!

Gots a new blog.

I figured I am going to be posting quite a bit regarding this pregnancy. and I don't want to turn this into a preggo only blog.. Also I read a announcement on Justmommies regarding blogs so I wanted to start a new on for a bit now is ya wanna check it out head on over to....
The name is based on the most recent siggy Rachel had made me. In fact, I hope she doesnt mind, I used it as the header :O lol!

Thanks Rachel and Justmommies for being my inspiration.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

A new life.

I was reading something on my all time favorite mommy board, about them looking for mommy bloggers. I was thinking.. I do have my "personal blog" and I know I will be posting alot regarding my new pregnancy.

This blog will be about the trials and triumphs of getting through a pregnancy, with severe depression, an addiction, and a struggle on life.

See this past year has been a difficult year. Starting with my Nana's heart attack. Followed by my son Collin's birth. Followed by a life or death colonectomy on Nana, followed by difficulties breastfeeding, followed by, Nana's stay on life support, followed by the start of post pardum depression, followed by Nana's death. Then came a suicide attempt, a stay in a psych ward, severe depression, and border-line bipolar disorder. Which led to the loss of a home, credit, and every once of dignity earned over the years. Lastly came the heroin addiction.

On September 17th, 2007 I decided, if I kept on this path, it would start to affect my childrens lives. I could not let that happen. I began the methadone program. I went up to 65 mg, and since have dropped to 25 mg. I have been on quite a few different anti-depressants and mood stablizers.

This was thought to be the end of the year for me. And when I was healed a bit, I would be able to start fresh.

Fast Forward to this month. I swore up and down '09 would be my new beginning. My fresh start. My re-birth.

Boy oh boy I was right!

On Jan 21st I took a digital home pregnancy test, after realizing I was 6 days late.

It said "not pregnant."

I ejected the stick and saw:

I was told to ignore it. That always happens with digi tests.

A few days later I see..

What a way to start a new life? A new beginning? A fresh start?

Unfortunetly, I was not too thrilled when I saw this result. In fact, I still am scared beyond belief. With this blog I will get through this. With the support of my OB-GYN, my methadone counselor and my mommies on Justmommies, I will make it through. And this will be amazing!

Tomarrow I will add, my 1st two belly photos, and an ultrasound photo, as tomarrow is my 1st ultrasound.

Oh! And I cannot believe I forgot this! I will be 7 weeks tomarrow and am due September 22nd, 2009.


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