Wednesday, June 30, 2010


I have posted my opinions on different baby carriers on JM a lot lately and thought I'd share here.

I have 3 carriers. A Moby wrap, The Peanut Shell, and the Snugli by Evenflo

Here are my "reviews" on each:

Moby-PERFECT for the newborn stage. Was able to do anything around the house and out without worrying much. I always checked her breathing, probably too much, but thats it. She was able to nurse in it perfectly. Best part was being able to put the fabric over her head to hold her completely still against my body.

Great now for long carrying. No back/shoulder pain. It does get hot though. I can wear it in no humidity up to 80* out, but if it is humid or hotter or both, heck no. Walking for the fireworks the other day was brutal-Bailey was fine, a bit warm-but I was sweating like a pig.
Don't like it for quick carrying or spur of the moment carrying as it does take a minute to get on. I mainly use it for outings with the family, when I know we will be doing a lot of standing/walking

The Peanut Shell-got it from a friend but she got it at TJ Maxx for $12. Was able to nurse in it while grocery shopping and no one had a clue. Didn't like the way Bailey looked in the cradle hold. Love it because it fits into really tiny places-keep it in the diaper bag-and I can just through it on with no adjusting, wrapping, buckling. Bailey (and Collin) usually use the hip hold in it. I can wear it for over an hour with out any discomfort. Bailey loves it as it feels more like she is being held. PERFECT for quick runs into the grocery store, bringing a toddler/preschooler into school/day care

Snugli-I have had this since Thomas. I love I can keep it in the car. I also love that Tom will wear this. My shoulders tend to hurt after about 30-45 minutes.

Wordless Wednesday

Monday, June 28, 2010

Monday's Memory

Originally posted December 17th, 2008-One month before finding out I was
pregnant with Bailey. 

April 24th 2007 period shows.

May 6th 2007 find out we are expecting.

June ?th 2007 day of spotting after sex.
January 17th 2008 Collin Paul is born
January 17th-February 1st 2008 post pardum bleeding.
June 30th 2008 1st post pardum period.
July, August, September, October & November 2008,
     no period
July & August sex 3 times.
September 4th 2008 home pregnancy test negative.
September & October 2008 no sex.
November 5th & 13th, sex, pulls out.
December 15th 2008 period shows up.

I am woman again!


I have been getting so much more traffic lately and of course have nothing I want to blog about. So, I thought I'd just update on all of us

Collin has amazed me today. For a boy who does not/can not say much at all, he really shocked me. I got what, wait, juice, thank you, cheeze its (LOL), kiss, and stop. ("wha" "way" "deuce" "dank yo'" "dees itch" "dist" and "top") He is making me oh so proud. Another Collin brag: For a few days now Collin has been asking to go potty. He pee's each time. I love that he is doing this all on his own. Makes a mama proud.

Bailey was so silly today. Everytime one of her brother talked to her or smiled at her, she'd clap. Big, big, wide-eyed smiles, with tons of clapping. It was adorable. She also discovered two cabinets tonight. The pots and pans in one and tupperware in the other. She is at that age where she is doing something new and exciting everyday. She has been randomly pulling up to standing for a week or two, but now she is doing it all.the.time! The best is when she pulls up onto my leg and I start to slowly walk, she walks along with me. I love it!

Thomas is such a good helper with Bailey. I cooked dinner tonight so hubby could fix the toilet and  as always when I step foot into the kitchen, Bailey started screaming. Thomas sat with her, in the kitchen, kept her away from Vader's dish and my feet since I was cooking with hot oil. He gave her some puffs, and he is the one who showed her the cabinets. Thomas wrote all 26 letters of the alphabet the other day. Made Mama so proud!

On to the hubby. We have been arguing a lot lately, but it's normal for this time of year. Just waiting for it to pass! He was sweet tonight though, he went and got me an iced mocha, without me even mentioning I wanted one. Then he got all three kids ready for bed, "just because."

Me...I have been really depressed and angry lately. I hate it. Yet, I am used to it. I am so glad I am still breastfeeding Bailey and it means so much to me. I have been having intense thoughts lately of using and hurting myself. It kills me to feel this way and think this way. I keep having to make myself think of other things. Like the fact that if I follow through on any of my thoughts I cannot nurse her.

I have a new counselor at the program, again, so I need to build a rapport with her before I can feel comfortable confiding in her. I know I will get through this. I always do.

OH! The biggest update! I got an email last week from a publicist at Discovery Health. She said she came across my blog and after seeing Bailey in a Snapshot Saturday post, she thought she'd be perfect for the contest they are running, now until July 1st. Winner gets their photo shown on a commercial on the DK channel, and runner-ups will get featured as baby of the day on the website! There will be 16 finalists.
I know it's not like a grand prize or anything, but it is still an amazing feeling to know someone else honestly thinks your child is beautiful.

Now, I think that is all that is going on worth mentioning. Hope everyone else is doing well!

Sunday, June 27, 2010

My handsome little men.

Photobucket Photobucket

Snapshot Saturday (a few minutes late)

(Holy crap, I cannot believe how fake that looks! At least I know I snapped the photo..)

Nursing Moms-A Doctor Suess Poem.

I have seen this over a dozen times and after seeing it once again, I just have to share here. I just love it so much, especially since I can recite it to the kids and they get a kick out of it. They love anything that rhymes.

Would you nurse her in the park?
Would you nurse him in the dark?
Would you nurse him with a Boppy?
And when your boobs are feeling floppy?

I would nurse him in the park,

I would nurse her in the dark.
I’d nurse with or without a Boppy.
Floppy boobs will never stop me.

Can you nurse with your seat belt on?

Can you nurse from dusk till dawn?
Though she may pinch me, bite me, pull,
I will nurse her `till she’s full!

Can you nurse and make some soup?

Can you nurse and feed the group?
It makes her healthy strong and smart,
Mommy’s milk is the best start!

Would you nurse him at the game?

Would you nurse her in the rain?
In front of those who dare complain?
I would nurse him at the game.
I would nurse her in the rain.

As for those who protest lactation,

I have the perfect explanation.
Mommy’s milk is tailor made
It’s the perfect food, you need no aid.

Some may scoff and some may wriggle,

Avert their eyes or even giggle.
To those who can be cruel and rude,
Remind them breast’s the perfect food!

I would never scoff or giggle,

Roll my eyes or even wiggle!
I would not be so crass or crude,
I KNOW that this milk’s the perfect food!

We make the amount we need

The perfect temp for every feed.
There’s no compare to milk from breast-
The perfect food, above the rest.

Those sweet nursing smiles are oh so sweet,

Mommy’s milk is such a treat.
Human milk just can’t be beat.
I will nurse, in any case,
On the street or in your face.

I will not let my baby cry,

I’ll meet her needs, I’ll always try.
It’s not about what’s good for you,
It’s best for babies, through and through.

I will nurse her in my home,

I will nurse her when I roam.
Leave me be lads and ma’am.
I will nurse her, Mom I am.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Love it.

People are copying and sharing my last blog post. Glad I mean that much. Really........

My blog is about me, always has been, always will be.

game over Pictures, Images and Photos

Thank you followers and readers. Those who email, comment, message, and support me.
Thank you for being "there." Thank you for being there when I need support, lending hand, or just a shoulder to cry on or an ear (or eyes) to bitch in.

Thank you.

No where to turn.

This totally stinks right now. I need to vent. I know me. If I keep shit bottled in too long, the person I become is not so nice. I become angry, depressed, sulky, and bitchy. My children do not need that version of mommy.

They need the mommy who gets down on the floor and plays action figures or blocks. They need the mommy who cuddles up on the couch to watch movies, cartoons, or read a few ton of books. The mommy who sits at the kitchen table for hours on end, coloring, painting, working on words and ABC's. The mommy who kisses boo boo's and fights off scary birds in the middle of the night that aren't even there.

Yet, now I have no where to vent. My usual three are not available right now. My BFF is away for the weekend, and while I could call her cell, I don't want to be a burden. My husband and I aren't really on good terms at the moment. Then my trusty blog, facebook, and JM. Don't want to even bother bitching and moaning about that other than the fact things I have said, to those who were supposed to be a "(former) support team" ... don't know how to label is as they weren't really "friends", have been turned against me.

So now I am stuck. Stuck with all these thoughts from this evening in my head. No where to speak them. No way to get them off my chest and out of my mind.

Tonight I will suffer. But tomorrow, I speak.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Monday's Memories

Almost 5 years ago I gave birth for the first time. September 6th is a day I will never forget.

September 5th was Labor Day. I spent the day running around-up and down hills, stressed, all while having a good time at an interesting family BBQ. That night I had a small glass of wine to settle down. I went to bed feeling fine, just tired, around midnight-ish.

Around 2:30 am I woke up with an intense "poop cramp." I had to take a shit. Bad! And that I did. Sitting on the toilet felt oh-so-good. I went right back to sleep thinking NOTHING of it.
4:30 it happened again, and again I thought nothing. Well I did think I had the runs, but didn't associate it with labor.
5:30 it happened again. The "poop cramps" were worse, and relaxed when I sat on the toilet.
I hopped on JM to ask about it and tried to lay back down. Every 15 minutes I was cramping up really bad. At 6:30 I woke Tom up telling him not to go to work. I made a bunch of phone calls and went back to the computer. I spent the next few hours there or on the toilet.

Around 9 Tom called the OB. I was way to chicken. I was really trying to just make it until my ultrasound at 10.

We got to the OB's office at 9:30-9:45 and were immediately checked. Almost 6 cm! The OB sent us across the street to the hospital. We drove. We checked in and made our way to our room. You could tell just by looking at me, this was my 1st child. Both my husband and I were beaming with pride.

After I got undressed and hooked up to the monitors and all that jazz I just relaxed in the rocking chair. By now it was around 10:30. My parents and sister arrived to keep me company.

Around 12 the contractions where getting horrible. I was at 9 cm. I was set on going natural. Well, I just wanted to get "too far along" to get the epidural so I had to go natural. During my longest, hardest contraction my OB suggestion quite harshly I get the epidural. I replied, "Just get the damn thing already!" At some point around here I had threw up. Not pretty.

By 12:45 it was in. I was check around 1:15 to be told I was a 10. The nurse gave me the option of resting or pushing. I chose the former.

I started pushing a few minutes before 2 and at 2:43 he was born. He was immediately placed upon my now deflated stomach. I just stared and cried. I could not believe he was all mine. Here I was still a child in my own eyes now with my own. Yet I just knew I was going to do right by him.

The nurse took him away to get cleaned up, all while Daddy video taped and I snapped photo's from my bed. All while the OB helped me deliver the placenta and get stitched up.

I held him almost the entire time we were in the hospital. Healing sucked. I couldn't pee without pain or even sit for at least 10 days.

Thomas is currently over 4 1/2. He is so big in my eyes. He can be the sweetest, most gentle soul, or down-right vicious! Especially to his little brother. Thomas will be going off to kindergarten this year. He cannot wait! Mommy can.

Thomas Harold M. Jr was born on Tuesday, September 6th, 2005 at 2:43 pm. He weighed 7 lbs 6 oz and was 20.5 inches long. Completely perfect.


Thursday, June 17, 2010

A Childhood Memory.

"Tell us about a childhood memory."

One Sunday night while I was in the 2nd grade my father had been working a side job or getting high and saying he had a side job, my mother had asked me what I wanted for dinner. This was a big deal as I was the world's pickiest eater. At least according to my folks. "Breaded pork chops, white rice" and a veggie I do not recall. Mommy was awesome and made it for me.

My father soon arrived home and walked in to hear me and my mom in the middle of a screaming match.

"Nicole, you asked for this and now you have to eat it!"

"But mom!! The rice is icky and the pork chop is mushy"

"Eat it."

"Wait until your father hears about this."

My Dad happened to be entering the kitchen at this exact moment, "What now?"

While my mom explained that she let me pick out dinner and I wouldn't eat it, I knew it was coming. I didn't know how bad it would be but I knew it was coming. I sat there shaking at the kitchen table, my brother playing with his hot wheels just a few feet away in the dining room. My father told me he was in a good mood. I had one more chance to eat my "special" dinner. He began washing the compound off his hands, arms, and face. While drying off with the mushroom dish towel he looked at me.

"That's it!" he screamed. He rushed at me. It was like slow motion, he only took 2 or 3 giant steps to get across the huge eat in kitchen we had then. He grabbed my hair, shoved my face until my plate calling me a selfish, ungrateful brat. Started ranting about all my mother does for "us kids." By now I was crying. My hair still wrapped around his fingers, he yelled and asked if I was going to eat. Crying, slowly shook my head no. Before I realized what had occurred, I was in the corner, where the empty wall hit the kitchen cupboards, beneath the sink, on the wet linoleum floor. My left shoulder blade hit the brass fixture on the cabinet hard and my leg had bent wrong beneath me. I was crying so hard I couldn't breath. I was gagging, near vomiting from the pain and fear. My dad, the man who is supposed to love and care for me no matter what had just thrown me clear across the room.

He screamed asking if I wanted more as he approached me. As I shook my head no, I lifted my hurt body and ran up the stairs to my bedroom and locked the door. Fortunately, he left me alone.

I remember it was a Sunday because I remember crying while watching The Simpson's. I remember being so grateful that the following day was Monday.

Monday morning as I walked myself to school I knew I was going to stick with my plan. I was going to tell the school's counselor. And that I did. By the time I got home that afternoon, DSS was at our house. Asking my mother questions, then asking my little brother questions, and asking me questions.

At some point after that incident, my aunt went for custody scaring my parents straight (at least for a little while) and the both sought help for the addiction's and anger.

Although this memory is still clear as day, I love my father. Sadly, this is how he was raised and was taught this was the right way to raise a child. Within the past few years my father has apologized. Numerous times. He begs me quite frequently to "break the cycle."

Because of my father, I will do everything in my power to break this vicious cycle.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Status updates for the week of 6/6/10

I saw this on a couple blogs and thought it was a perfect topic, especially counting how many times I post status updates via Facebook.

June 6 at 11:26am Happy 31st to my love, Tom, my bff Katie, and her baby girl, Mya Rose.

June 7 at 12:00pm 3 kids shitting at the same time? What are the odds? Just changed Bailey's and Collin's poopy diapers while Thomas sat on the toilet pooping. Then wiped his ass. hmmm.. wonder what it would be like to not have to wipe anyone's ass but my own....

June 8 at 12:45pm And NIP (nursing in public) bothers people?

June 8 at 7:07pm Thank you Katie for bringing me the iced mocha latte w whip. too bad it didn't last long and I'm craving another lol

June 9 at 2:08pm Not quite a kindergartner, but no longer a preschooler. ♥ :(

June 10 at 9:51am Everyday almost i go to the same DD. Everyday i get the same thing which is $3.49 or$3.65 depending on if they charge for the whipped cream. Why did they just try charging me $4.75, $6.81, and $5.30? How hard is it to hit 3 buttons and read the damn screen?

June 10 at 9:05pm "Spanish Buffet" Just called, I said Hello, They spoke spanish, I said excuse me, they spoke spanish, I said wrong number, they spoke spanish, I said no hablo espanol, they spoke spanish, I repeated no hablo espanol, they repeated no hablo espanol? I said no, they said excuse me and hung up...hmmm

June 11 at 1:50pm If your a guy, and you don't want your woman to know you are, or are thinking about messing around, whether online or in real life. Don't do it where conversations can easily be archived.
June 12 at 1:23am Killers was an awesome movie! Thank you Katie & Brianna for letting me join you two tonight. Gotta admit, the best night I have had since January!

And that my friends, is my week in Status'.

Snapshot Saturday

Bailey at 8 mos and a few hours old.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

My babies.

I have had my two never-born children in my mind a lot lately. One would be 9 this year, the other 3. They would be blonde with blue eyes like my other three. If I go by my three living children's pregnancies, the 9 year old would probably have been a girl. Causing tons of mischief by now, with a typical almost pre-teen attitude. Though I terminated that pregnancy at 11 weeks, I was far enough a long to craves sweets, and have almost all day morning sickness. Just like my daughter Bailey. Again, going by my three children's pregnancies, my 3 year old would be a boy with the same name as my 2 year old, Collin Paul. That pregnancy, which I miscarried at 11 weeks and 3 days, was going exactly as my boys. No morning sickness, no fatigue, no nothing. Would he be potty trained by now? He would be starting preschool in the fall. I wonder if he and Thomas would get a long better than the living Collin and Thomas, since they'd be closer in age and he'd be talking up a storm by now.

I miss my children I never met and never got to know. Both of them will always have a special spot in my heart. Both my husband and I will always love them.

As much as I miss them and love them, I do not regret what happened. If I didn't miscarry with CBM in '06 I would not have my Collin. CBM was due April 15th, 2007. I conceived Collin about a week and a half after that. Based on when Collin was conceived, part of me believes CBM's spirit is within Collin.

Now let's go back to the year 2000. If I had kept my 1st child, I would not be with Tom. I would not have any of my three living children. I probably would have a few children by all different men. Terrible thing to say, but when my 1st baby was conceived I was on a downward spiral, becoming a tramp. I will admit it, I was a skank back then. My parents would have mostly raised her, so I wouldn't be come a middle school drop out. Tom would probably still be in prison right now. My parents, though furious about my 'mistake' were starting to get excited about becoming grandparents. My mother loves babies and was becoming thrilled with the idea of little baby clothes, diapers, middle of the night feedings, all of it. My mother, was more than willing and happy to help her child raise a child. My father, was getting into the idea as well, as long as Tom had nothing to do with the kid and as long as he paid his debt to society. But I couldn't live with sending the love of my life to prison and I ended the pregnancy. It didn't really phase me when I made the decision. It didn't phase me after it was done. I didn't think about it again for months. That was until Tom blamed me for killing his child. Which I had done. I killed our baby.

But I still love her, and CBM, as much as I love Thomas, Collin & Bailey. I will always wish I had gotten to know them, to love on them, to raise them. I will never regret either happenings though.

Everything happens for a reason. With out the abortion or miscarriage I would not have the three most important people in my life.

DD#1 & CMB, You both will always be with me, watching over your brothers and sister. We will be with you again someday.

New Vehicle.

We are currently in desperate need of a new minivan. Ours is only working when it wants to and its not very often it wants to. The battery, which is brand new, will not stay charged and the alternator is apparently fine according the auto store.

We went to a dealership last night. They showed us a Durango. We can only be financed for something under $10k. Tom has been eyeballing Durango's for weeks. We start looking at it. I explain why it is no good for us. To get to the 3rd row, you need to tilt the middle row's seats. Both sides will have a car seat in the middle row. Can't tilt the seat if there is a car seat there. He starting to get my point, that not only would Thomas not have a way to the back, but I wouldn't be able to buckle him in either. Just as he sees my point, we realize this Durango doesn't have the 3rd row seating we were told it had, instead of being tucked away into the floor, there was just two storage compartments in the floor. They had nothing under $17k with 3rd row seating.

Needless to say, we have been arguing tons. He wants a SUV with 3rd row seating, or not. We only need to fit our three kids and us. I need a minivan. I need to separate my boys, I need to be able to have someone sit in the 3rd row with out moving the middle rows seats. And I need to have the option of taking other people with us. Without the 3rd row we cannot fit anyone else in the car. At all. With out the 3rd row. I cannot fit two car seats and a booster.

Why can't anyone grasp this concept? With a family of 3 or more, two row seating is no longer an option.

After days of fighting about cars I see this:

Toyota Sienna - Swagger Wagon - Watch more Funny Videos

Think I can talk him into another van now?


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