Growing up I moved around a lot, never leaving the same three towns. Never really had any close friends until the summer between 7th and 8th grade. My parents, while I know the love me, preferred to show us their love until they became drug free, but never had enough cash to actually get us the cool stuff our friends had. Many arguments and fights were solved by my father taking me shopping or my family out for dinner. While I had enough freedom to date an older man, get myself pregnant very, very young, I didn't have as much as they people I wanted to hang out with and be like.
My teen years flew by. First half spent running away from home, getting kicked out, drinking, smoking pot, having unprotected sex, suicide attempts, probation, house arrest, juvi. The second half, moving out of my parents again, working between 80-100 hours a week, paying bills, getting pregnant again, becoming a mother and wife.
The past 3 years have been a complete roller coaster. Starting with my grandmothers death right after the birth of my 2nd son, Collin, which most of you readers already know. Depression, heroin addiction, another suicide attempt. Trying to make up for most of that year I just was not a mother to my children. Fortunately they do not remember. I've also had another child since becoming clean, my beautiful only daughter, Bailey.
I've come a long way from where I was just 2-3 years ago. A long, hard way. I currently spend my days cherishing my children. I never want to be that person I was just a couple years ago. My children deserve much better.
My parenting has changed significantly over the years. I went from being one mother to being a completely different one. I am currently still breastfeeding my daughter who turned one on October 2nd. Something I never thought I'd do. I no longer believe in spankings, though I will swat a kid on the rear end, as gently as possible to get the point across, if told numerous times not to do something and they continue and other means of discipline aren't working. I am trying desperately to stop yelling. I yell mostly at my husband more than anything. But it's a habit I am working hard on breaking.
I am currently trying to manage my anger and depression without medication or therapists. My anger is one of my main concerns. It is the cause of my yelling. It is the cause of me being known to literally put my head or fists through walls, doors, and glass. It is the cause of my trying to rip my hair out of my head when so angry I can't get my point across. I am no longer doing these things numerous times a week. It's only happening once every month or two now, so there is progress. The unfortunate part is, the cause of my anger is always something really dumb, like the hubs forgetting to take out the garbage when leaving the house. Or over analyzing our financial problems. But I am working on it.
We are always seeming to be in a financial crunch since our heroin use. Just can't seem to get a head. We will break even for a while only for the hubs to be laid off again. Love his line of work. He works for a drywall company. Fortunately he is in a union, so work does come up. But with our economy right now, there is more companies and subcontractor's out there than there is actual work. We will come through. We usually do.
I am currently attempting a lifestyle change. I grew up with insanely large portions of anything I had ever ate. Always snacks in the house, fast food and pizza every week, and lots of pasta. I've never been the skinny girl. Always larger than my friends but no one ever believed my weight. From the time I was 15 until I began using heroine I stayed around 180 lbs-technically "obese" for my height. It never really bothered me until I got a taste of being "skinny". During the 6 months I used dope, I lost 40 lbs. I got down to 150 lbs and I want that back. After my daughter was born, I have gained a lot of weight and am just starting to work on it. Right now I am working on portion control, choosing the lesser of two evils with my "bad" foods, and trying to find exercise's I enjoy.
My children are the light of my life. Yes, they can sometimes annoy me and get on my nerves, but they are really amazing children. All three are so smart, even with the middle being in speech therapy. They make me smile more times than I can count during the day. They make me laugh all the time. They actually enjoy cuddling, kisses, and hugs. I live for these moments. My children are the reason I am still here in the world right now. My children are the reason I want to better myself. My children are the main reason I want to get fit and be healthy. My children are my everything; my world.
I am currently a stay at home mom. I've yet to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life, career wise. I want to run a daycare. I want to teach. I want to be a photographer. I want to help teen mother with the struggles of pregnancy, parenting, breastfeeding, making it through life. I want to work with babies, and young children. I want(ed) to work in the maternity ward. I want to do something in which I can make a difference in someone's life. Whether it be offering portraiture they otherwise couldn't afford, or teaching them to read and write, or helping with the struggles or young motherhood. I want to do something productive. Unfortunately, time and money is in my way at the moment. I've got 3 years to make up my mind. Once all three children are in school full time, it will be my turn.
I guess that's me in a nutshell. There is a lot more to it, a lot of parts of my past that have made me the person I am today. I have a lot to work on. Many secrets of my past that still haunt me today, but mostly, I am focusing on just being the best mother I can be for my children.