Long Lasting Impact

Who knew the death of my grandmother, Nana, would have such a long lasting ill effect on me?

Things had already had been spiraling down hill when she had past. When the family "pulled the plug" it was for the better, for her, but it still was upsetting. I was angry, bitter, and hurt. How can she die without meeting her newest great-grandchild? Her death was icing on the cake of shit that was already getting worse with each passing day. Troubled marriage, a lay-off and lack of incoming money, postpartum depression, individuals in my life I couldn't quite trust but my husband refusing to understand why, things sucked royally when she passed. All of this was just the right combination to help me lose my mind, sending me into a psychotic break. Leading to suicide attempts and a heroin addiction.

Growing up, she was always the one that was there. Parents fighting all the time when I was three? Head on downstairs and there she'd be. Need to get away from my parents alcoholic and drug using tendencies? And she'd always let me come stay with her. She was always the one to make everything better. Always. Then she left me. She left me at the lowest point of my life.

Maybe if her passing was expected? Maybe if she didn't go from being perfectly fine to death in a matter of weeks? Maybe things would be different.

Since her passing, I have changed. I am no longer the happy, always smiling, always laughing person I once was.  Since her passing depression has taken over my life. I finally thought I was moving on, finally returning to the "old me." Then one little thing goes wrong and I am back to that dark place almost instantly, filled with thoughts of hurting myself or others. Filled with thoughts of finding the easiest way out. Filled with such darkness, it's almost impossible to see the light.

I was never this person before her passing.

Since her passing I have learned to appear to be the same person on the outside. I have learned how to act and behave so friends and family believe everything is happiness and roses. On the inside? It's complete turmoil. I no longer can handle the little things life throws at me and my family. Before her passing, my husband getting laid-off didn't really phase me. Yes I'd stress, but it didn't control my every thought.

Currently things are pretty rough around here. Worse than they were back then, financially. In fact, next week our cable, internet, and phone, followed by electricity will be getting shut off unless there is a miracle. My husband will only say, "Don't worry" to me. He flat out refuses to look for a non-drywall job. His reasoning is, he will just have to quit when better work comes up. And that, if he comes across a side-job, he'd make more than working somewhere for minimum wage. Why don't I go get a job, you ask? His same reasonings. "I make more in one day than you would in a week." Um dude, how is that possible when you aren't even working? His other reason is that if I work days, I'd have to quit the minute he is called back to work and if I work nights it would not be good for our marriage. And this last part is true. I can't even leave for an hour without things being turned into absolute chaos around here. My husband is not very good at multitasking when it comes to caring for the children, cooking dinner, running baths, bedtimes, and cleaning up the evening messes. In fact, he can't do it.

When I was working nights, I'd come home to a complete disaster to find the children didn't get a bath, dinner wasn't until 8-9 pm, and they fell asleep whenever. All three still in the clothes I had them in when I left. Which used to lead to me coming in screaming, throwing things, and slamming fists and a face into the walls. So, is me working worth the stress it would lead to?

I often wonder, had my grandmother not passed away, would I handle life stresses differently?
I am so sick of thinking about her death and all else that happened in 2008, ruined me.
I need to realize it's not her fault. I mean how could it be? It's not like she died to ruin my being and take away the light?

Who knew the death of my Nana, would have such a long lasting ill effect on me?

This post is written based on the writing prompt, "Describe a tragedy you didn’t expect to be as deeply affect by as you are." over at Mama Kat's.

Blogging

For the past few weeks the Writing Prompts over at "Mama's Losin' It!" have far from inspired me. It wasn't until I came across another entry in my reader that I remember to check this Thursday's prompts.

One of the options was:

Write about what blogging means to you. Why do you blog? What purpose does it serve you and how have you benefited from sharing a piece of yourself online this way?

Hmm.. Why do I blog? What purpose does it serve? Do I benefit from sharing myself online?

As far back as I remember I have always had diaries, journals, memory books, and random writings, doodles, and what not in my school notebooks. All of which I always would purposely leave around for my husband, then boyfriend, or friends, or family to read. I wanted people to know my innermost thoughts and feelings.

While I do have a tendency to open up. A tad bit way too much, I wasn't always this way. I never spoke up. I never spoke my thoughts, opinions, or feelings. I was always far too embarrassed. I mean, what would people think if they knew what was really going on in there?

With writing, I was able to manipulate the way my thoughts and feelings came across. I could get my point across without making people feel like it was their fault, or that I was crazy and needed to be instituted.

Back in 2000 I started my own Angelfire webpage and began my blogging career. I wish I could come across some of my old "websites". They'd be pretty amusing. Then in 2005 I discovered Myspace, and its blog feature and began my 1st real "blog". At some point during the time I blogged on Myspace it was recommended I move to Blogger. It took some time and a few good online friends to start for me to make the switch. I am so glad I did. I love going back and reading little flashes of my past.

The purpose my blogging serves is having a place to look back on with my thoughts and pictures, in one place. I can put my opinion and feelings out there and get real non-sugar coated advice, sympathy when I need it. I can make a whole community of online friends when I do not get out much with three young children. I can let my thoughts and obsessions out with out it turning into and inward battle in my head.

The purpose it serves me is simple. It's purpose is to help me stay sane.

I guess I also just answered how I benefit by putting myself out there within that paragraph as well.

I am just so glad I discovered the world of blogging.

A letter from Bailey.

Dear Mommy;
         I know you prefer to sleep in until at the very least 8, but it was not my fault this morning. I am starting to sleep a bit longer so when I woke at 5 to have a quick drink and Daddy's alarm clock was blearing it kind of took me out of my sleepy haze. Mommy I know you would have preferred for me to have gone right back to sleep after nummies and all, just don't blame me. Blame Daddy. Especially since I was falling back to sleep when he came in to tell you something. Then that darn coffee maker was so loud. And the toilet flushing? When will Daddy learn that toilet wakes me up every time!

At least we had fun playing chase the baby in bed!

          Mommy, I know how much you look forward to cuddling me while I get to have the nummies and all, but I just don't want to all the time anymore. I know you got used to me eating every 2 hours and all, but I really like to feel real food on my gums now. Don't worry Mommy, I still love your milk, I just don't need it 10-12 times a day anymore. 4-6 times a day is more than enough for me!

          Mommy, I know I am already 'harder' than my brothers, but that just comes with the territory. You can blame your own mom and your self for me temper tantrums need to get my own way. Your mother you can blame for cursing you with at least one daughter worse than yourself, and your self for being so horrible as a kid.

Don't worry Mommy, I promise to make the next 18 years interesting!

          Mommy, Thank you for always coming to my rescue whenever I cry. Thank you for always checking on me when I get really quiet playing with something I'm not supposed to have. Thank you for always playing with me when I need a play-pal. Thank you for holding me when I need to feel secure. Thank you for treating me like a big girl and not a fragile infant. It makes life so much more fun!

Most of all, Mommy, thank you for loving me.

          Mommy, I will do my best to make you proud. Please remember my brothers and I all love you and as long as you do right by us, we will make you happy.

Love You Always,    

Behind Blue Eyes.

Over at Mama Kat's this Thursday's Writers Workshop prompts had one option called, "The most unbelievable blue eyes you’ve ever seen…" Of course I had to choose it. 


Obviously since the hubs and I both have blue eyes, our children would have baby blue's as well. The thing with blue eyes though is they are all so different. Like I have (very small) slate blue eyes. Actually many people don't even realize my eyes are blue unless we are talking about eye color. That's how grayish they are. My hubbies eyes are lighter, but they don't pop like some blue eyes do.


Now my children.. 


Thomas' are like mine, but his eye shape is much larger than mine. Only when in really good sunlight, or in certain colors do his 'pop.' Thomas' eyes appear to have a story behind them. His eyes remind me of an old man with a deep past. It leads me to believe he will do something grand with his life. I really hope this false glimpse into his future holds true. He has the personality for it. 

Collin's eyes almost never appear the same. Some days they are dark like midnight blue. Some, they remind me of an ocean wave. And other's they are just plain captivating. For a boy who doesn't express himself much, you can see each need and desire in his eyes. Just looking in Collin's sweet eyes makes me so impatient to hear his thoughts.

Now Bailey... Man oh man am I going to have my hands full with her. Combine her baby blues with her daddy's perfect arched brow's; she is going to be a heart breaker. She already has her daddy, both grandfathers, and every man she meets wrapped around her little finger. All she needs to do is open her eyes wide and smile, or give a pout. Everything gets handed right to her. Her eyes are the most amazing I have seen. With all three children, I would nurse them and stare into their eyes, but with Bailey.. Her gaze just holds mine for what seems like forever. I just can't ever seem to break the stare first. There is nothing I enjoy more than just staring into her beautiful eyes while nourishing her.

My children are too young to tell me what they feel is behind their blue eyes.
But for me, behind my own blue eyes, is so much more than anyone would believe. 
Hopefully, within time, I will be able to write all that has happened in my past to make me who I am today..






If you want to join in on this weeks Writers Workshop head on over to Mama Kat's blog Mama's losin' it!

Nana's watching over.

After blog-hoppin' I came across Mama Kat's blog: Mama's Losin' It! Today on her blog she had a writers workshop for other bloggers to join in. I decided, "Why not?"

I chose #4:

The world is going to come to an end unless you get a tattoo that covers your entire back. Describe the tattoo you’ll get.

Starting at the top left of my back, their would be a photo of my hero. My Nana with clouds surrounding her. The clouds would make way to the right, where there would be a large eye opening sun. the clouds would make way to the top of a forest, as you go lower and get through the leaves of the trees and down through the trunks, there will be a clearing, right in the middle. In the empty space with be portraits of my three children. This would all be done in natural colors. Blue/white skies, dark leafy green leaves. Nana's grey/white permed 'afro' looking as it did before she passed. This tattoo would mean that no matter what, no matter where my children are, my grandmother, my Nana will be watching over them.

Thinking about this and typing this out makes me miss her oh so much! It has been 2 years, 2 months and 18 days since I lost my best friend. It still feels like yesterday. It still tortures my soul that Collin and Bailey never had the chance to at least be held by her. At least I can remember she is watching over my children.

Want to join in on today's writers workshop? Click this button!

***I am a total blonde and didn't listen to directions, I used my blog url, instead of my post url like I was supposed to do. Doh'!***