Pages

Showing posts with label way back whensday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label way back whensday. Show all posts

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Way Back When-sday! (A wedding!)

It just hit me. I don't think I ever shared my wedding pictures here. Not that they are all that great. All taken with regular old fashioned one click film camera's. I still deeply regretting not having budgeted a wedding photographer. It is heart breaking to know I have no nice formal photographs from my wedding. It also stinks I don't remember all that much.



The few bits and pieces I do remember:


The Hubs repeating my vows after he had already said his and the JP, him, and I giggling.


My father drove me to the hall we were wed in, I was in the backseat. As we were pulling in front of the venue, my father and Made of Honor, my sister, started screaming at me to get down. Hubs was in the parking lot. I looked right at him and didn't recognize him. For a man who does not dress nicely at all, he looked amazing in his tux. The love had felt prior to that 1st moment I saw him at our wedding couldn't compare to the amount of love and lust I had at that exact moment.


Before my father and I could walk down the aisle we were both crying. Happy tears of course, but yes, we were both blubbering babies. And to think, we had just told my mother not to cry!


My ring bearer refused to walk down the aisle and his mother ruined the outfit we bought her by covering it with a black and white coat even my mother in law wouldn't wear. (my sister in law owns nothing nice, let alone formal)

My father in law, looked so handsome. I had never seen him "dressed up" before. He is such a sweet, caring, funny, weird man and before this day I didn't realize how much the hubs was like his father. He really is. In a good way.

Our first dance, to Led Zeplins "Thank You" was so awkward! Hubs and I do not dance. Just going in circles for what seemed like forever with everyone staring was so, so strange. And that is a long song!


Dancing with my father to "Butterfly Kisses" (Of course, what else) was actually much more relaxed. We laughed, we cried, he told me he was sorry for not being a good father to my siblings and I. That was the first day he really spoke to me about my soon to be first born. I will cherish that conversation forever.

After the wedding, Tom and I were supposed to find a hotel along route 1, then head into New York City in the late morning. We ended up getting lost and finding the "Rodeway Inn" around 4 am, after 6 hours of driving. Mind you, to get anywhere in our state takes less than two hours in traffic. This was 10 pm to 4 am! It was an over priced cheap motel.


We didn't have money for a real honeymoon. At all, as we were saving for Thomas' birth. We went to a NYY baseball game. It was also Mother's Day. I got a card for mother's day that year though I was only 5 months pregnant.

When looking back at the pictures of our wedding day, while it does upset me they're not the greatest pictures, they do show the happiness the hubs and I felt that day. Even if we are arguing and fighting about the most mundane things, looking back on the photographs from our "pre-children" days, especially our wedding pictures instantly reminds me why I am here with him right now. Looking at each photograph over the past ten and a half years I see so much love, happiness, and fun.




Wednesday, August 11, 2010

An extra Way Back When-sday: Tweeting in Labor

After seeing a JustMommies friend post through out her L&D today (Congrats BTW!) I felt an urge to go back to read my Tweets/FB Statuses from Bailey's Birth Day.


heading to my non-stress test in a few minutes... #fb

Way Back When-sday!

Ever since I was young, I have always been into writing stories, poetry, and whatever else pops in my head.
At around 12 or 13 I started keeping a journal/diary. At many points, I'd find a new one I liked better and transfer all my writings. I still do this all the time. Tom has known for years now, if I am having trouble talking to him and seem distant or distracted to look for my journal.

For this week's Way Back When-sday, I have compiled a small group of little bits I have wrote over the past 10 years.

-As long as we are together there will always be yesterdays and tomorrows.
Yesterdays are too many to count.
Tomorrows, there will never be enough.
But as long as we have each other there will always be today.



-Wondering what was lost;
considering all that was done.
Is it all going to get better soon?
Will I ever change my ways?


-I don't know what to say,
I don't know what to do,
I need to get over it.
I need to move on.


-What did I do wrong?
Was it what I did?
Did that become the reason for this?
Did this become the reason I am me?

 -Love?
What is love? Is it waiting? Is it living?
Is it happiness? Is it friendship? Is it laughter?
Is it confort? Is it a feeling withing itself? A declaration of oneself to another?
What is love?
Love is in the heart. Love is something that is incapable of being described.
Love is everything, from happiness to sadnees, from laughter to pain.
Love can be seen, can be heard, can touched, smelled and tasted.
Love is everything.

-Stuck in a small place;
Incapable of being seen.
Enjoys being alone;
With no place to go.

-Why does he love me?
Is there anything good to be seen?
Is there something hidden deep inside?
Is it he that can only find
the real me I try to hide?

 -He always tries his hardest and puts in his all;
but she wants more.
He works his hardest for every little bit he gives;
but she wants more.
He always puts everything he has-plus some;
but she always wants more..

-Trapped in a small place,
Alone in the world,
Lost.
Going silently.
No-one notices.
Slowly disappearing.
Gone.

-Yesterday was this, today is that.
The confusion and sorrow is all bothered.
Which is wrong, who is right?
Is it he? Is it I?
Who knows? I don't.

-Am I really as little as it seems?
Am I really nothing?

-As I wake I wonder if he is too.
As I fall asleep I wonder if he is too.
As I sit and think of him I wonder is he thinking of me too?

-You look at me constantly.

What do you see?
The inner me?
The scared little girl?
Hiding beneath nothing much?

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Mommy Why?-A Way Back Whensday Post.



10 years ago I was pregnant. Yes, 10 years ago I wasn't even old enough to be in high school, yet I was carrying a child. Scary thought right?

I will never forget sitting with my father and him actually saying he loved me, whatever decision I made was fine with him and he'd support me. Mostly, I remember him saying something along the lines of, "Next time use two condoms." What sticks out about that is, at such a young age I knew 2 condoms were less safe than 1.

I remember my mother telling me to keep the baby, she'd raise her until I finished school. We'd make it work. I remember her telling me I should have asked to be put on birth control. How would I know it would be okay to ask for birth control at such a young age, when my parents have never spoken to me about the birds and the bees? Hell, I remember being punished for asking where babies come from.

Even with the huge amount of support from my parents, I chose abortion. I mean really what was the big deal? It's not like it was a baby yet..

August 4th, 2000; I walked in to the clinic. Passed the protesters. Passed the signs of dead babies. Passed the people screaming at me that I was selfish and about to kill an innocent life. Honestly, it didn't even phase me. I was going in and no one was stopping me.

As I laid on the examination table, ready for *my* child to be scraped and suctioned from my womb, the nurse and I joked about my hair which was a complete rainbow of colors at the time. After the procedure, all I cared about was getting some food into me and going home.

The thought of what I had done didn't really affect me for a while. Until a fight between me and the would-have-been father, when he said I killed his baby. Even then, not so much.

Then suddenly like a sack of bricks, I had a breakdown. I *did* kill our baby. I still felt as if I made the right decision for us at the time, but now I yearned for my child.

Today, I still yearn for that child.

Today, when people ask for my opinion on abortion, it is simply. It's your body, your choice; but know, that choice can haunt you for a lifetime.

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails