Thursday, July 30, 2009

Pain. Earth shattering, mind-blowing pain.

Around 5:30ish this morning I woke up in the worst pain of my life. I am talking breath-taken, body crushing pain that just prevents you from doing anything but curling up in the fetal position and screaming in pain. It was like someone was standing on my uterus, while it was being stretched and pounded like pizza dough. This intense pain was so bad, all I kept thinking to myself was, "How did I labor for so long at home with Thomas? How did I go out to eat while in labor with Collin? How in the world did I give birth to Collin without any drugs at all?!" I was/am seriously doubting my ability naturally birth Bailey. I mean, if I can't even deal with supposedly normal pregnancy cramping, how in the world can I get through labor and delivery? Darn it, I needed that epidural this morning!

I strangely thought it was because I had to pee so bad, so I dragged my screaming pain filled self to the bath room, yet it hurt just to sit, hurt to pee, hurt to get up. Walking back to the bedroom I was still in pain, yet it wasn't as bad as it was while I was in the bathroom. It finally went away after a total of about 3-4 minutes.
Then about 5 minutes later, this excruciating pain comes back. Again I am screaming in pain. Now Tom is worried, asking if it is the gas pains I have been dealing with for a few weeks or a contraction or what. He didn't know if he should hold me, touch me, talk to me, ignore me, what. After about 2-3 minutes gone again.
Then scaring the crap out of Tom and myself, returned again 5 minutes later, accompanied by the intense urge to vomit. A feeling I am quite used to at this point. Yet, this is the very first time I have actually gotten sick first thing in the morning, despite the term morning sickness. This time, since I had to vomit while in so much pain I had to sit up, hunched over my best friend in the world, my puke bucket. It was the only position I found to help alleviate the pain. After about 2 minutes of the pain, it went away. I finally stopped throwing up, not that there was anything in me to come up. I was so afraid of laying back down. Afraid for my life, my daughter's life. Yes, the pain was that bad!
Now like clock-work, the intense cramping pain comes back. I scream again while tears stream down my face. Should I call the doctor? Should I wait? If I do call the doctor will it go away the minute I get off the phone with him, like every other time? This "contraction" or whatever it was was the easiest to get through. It only lasted about a minute.
I sat up on the side of my bed hunched over for nearly ten minutes awaiting another burst of pain. It didn't come.

I finally gained the courage to lay back down, petrified that I would have another since they were worse when I was horizontal. They didn't return, thank goodness!
I went back to sleep until about 10:45 when I was awoken by another sharp mind blowing pain, fortunately it wasn't as bad at earlier this morning. I had about 3 of these pains between 10:45-11:20ish.
And now, just as I started typing this, I have another one, so about 15 minutes ago. Just the one.. Nothing since.

All I ask for is one week without anything to worry about regarding this pregnancy. Between not even knowing I was pregnant at first. Not being able to find a heart beat. Then cranial cysts. Morning sickness so bad they were contemplating hospitalizing me. Constipation so bad I would go 1-3 weeks with out a bowel movement. Intense cramping like today, where I thought I was losing her between 16-20 weeks. Daily braxton hicks contractions. Spotting...

Please Bailey, let me go through the rest of this pregnancy pain and problem free. Please.
Is this a sign of whats to come? Am I going to be stuck with a daughter who gets pleasure out of frightening her mommy? Am I going to be stuck with a daughter who behaves like I did?

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Blogging for the sake of blogging.

Out of no where it just hit me. At 11:30 at night, when I am supposed to be in bed, on "bed-rest," it hit me. I should blog. About what? I don't know.. About who? I, again, don't know.

Maybe it's because my mind is in a fog and I usually feel much less stressed after I write. Maybe it's because things are again seeming like they can't get much worse, and I need to free my thoughts.. Who knows.. I sure don't.

I have been reading blogs all day it seems. Well actually for about a half hour now. And I had a thought cross my mind numerous times. I really am a terrible writer. Between the typo's and being so grammatically incorrect most of the time, and the fact that I can't help but drag anything out, I realized I will never have one of those popular blogs with thousands, or hundreds, or even ten's of readers. I will not have a blog which people just have to check daily. And, while that was my intention in the beginning, I am okay with that. I am totally okay with knowing I may be the only person who faithfully reads this ugly thing. Whatever. I am happy with it.
I like having something to look back at. Just like I enjoy reading my diaries and journals dating back to when I was a child, an adolescent, a teen.

Maybe one day, when I have had more time on this earth, and have accomplished more than just being a heroin addicted, suicidally depressed wife and mother, more people will come to read this. And if not.. Oh well. I am okay with it..

Maybe tomorrow I will blog about something worth reading.

Or not.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Another day, another dollar fight.

I say we need to talk more.
He says I don't try.
I say we need more moments alone.
He says it's gotta be on my time.

I say we need to make love more often.
He says I push him away.
I say we need to be there for each other.
He says he is here every day.

Maybe it is the financial stress. Maybe it is more. Who knows. He claims it is all me. I claim it is all him. We are always in this vicious cycle it seems. Months where we are just so happy and in love. Months where we aren't even sure we want to fight for this anymore. I am sick of the bottom of this cycle. I want to be back at the top again. Just a couple weeks ago, things were grand. Though I had not been giving even 2% into our marriage, and he had been giving it 110%. He had been doing so much to help me be comfortable. Letting me sleep, taking care of the kids, taking over all the household responsibilities. He was doing it all, as I was barely leaving my bedroom for more than an hour.

Maybe I was taking advantage of him. I probably was. I have always been a selfish person who prefers everything to be about me. At least that's who he tells me I am.

He had said I am also retarded, stupid, idiotic. All words that make me completely shut down and run away. All words I had been called through out my entire childhood. He then tells me he only says it out of frustration. He 'really' thinks I am smart, intelligent, wise. All things my parents used to say after I would cry about them putting me down. I feel like a little kid again.

Then he said the worst thing anyone can ever say to a mom.
He actually said I don't love my kids. According to him, I can care less about them. About him. About myself.

Maybe this is my own fault for being so negative towards him lately. Maybe this is my fault for pushing his buttons instead of being grateful for all he was doing to help me.
Maybe, maybe, maybe what-fucking-ever.

I don't deserve to be told this shit. Just like he doesn't deserve me being ungrateful, selfish, unloving.

We are both in the wrong here. Yet I am the one left begging for forgiveness. Begging him to talk to me. Begging him to get over whatever. Begging him to put back on his ring, after he threw it at me. Begging him to stay awake. And now.. begging him to join me in bed.

5 of the last 8 days have consisted of fighting. I have a feeling this time the cycle is on slow motion and this will be drawn out....

Friday, July 17, 2009

Monthly OB appointments are over.

Today I went in for my very last monthly OB appointment. Starting now, I go every two weeks. This is the part where the pregnancy really starts to fly for me. I cannot believe I only have 5-7 scheduled appointments left for this pregnancy. How crazy!

Urine perfect.
Blood pressure at 128/72, making the systolic number much higher than usual. (My BP averages at 100/60-110-70.)
Currently at +9 lbs. For a gain of 3 lbs this month.
Bailey's heartbeat is 154 beats per minute.
Belly measuring at 28.5 centimeters, putting me perfectly where I should be.

My actually asked me if I was considering a permanent form of birth control after Bailey is born. Then suggested against it based on my age.
I told him, at 22 years old, I have no idea if I am done having children. I do know we won't be planning any for a long time.
Also, suggested I start discussing the baby with our pediatrician, figure out how he deals with methadone babies.

Also, I got the results from my glucose screening, which I had done on Monday. Of course, perfectly fine. I must be nuts to eat a crap load of sugar covered kix before going in. Oh well, its better than the box of lucky charms I had before I did the screening with Thomas, or the box of fruit snacks before I went for Collins. LMAO!

All in all very good appointment. Oh, and my OB made me feel so good about myself. Told me I look so much "healthier, lively-er, and happier than most women as far along as me. He cannot believe I am as miserably uncomfortable as I am based on how I deal with it.

I guess I will be posting a bit more often now.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Desperately seeking help and guidance

I thought these feelings were behind me. I thought I had everything under control. Not anymore.
The suicidal thoughts are back with a vengeance. The depression and psychotic breaks are tearing me to shreds. I need a helping hand. A miracle worker. Help.

At this exact moment I am struggling, with every part of my being, not to slam my face into the drywall. Struggling to stay away from the pills bottles and knives. Struggling to stay calm. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, if it weren't for this life inside of me at this moment, I would be back where I was a year ago, trying to end my life.

I sit here typing this as it is my only way to get these ramped thoughts out of my mind. Tears streaming down my face, fingers barely able to find the right keys as my hands shake so tremendously.

The only person I am willing to call and speak to about these thoughts will admit me immediately. I cannot, though I desperately need to, go back into the nut house. I have to work. I have to make it to my appointments. My children need me here, home. Yet, I need me sane.

Doctors, medication, and counseling cannot help me right now. Only the state of Connecticut can, yet they won't, not until things get worse. I cannot, as a mother, as a human being, let things get worse.

I learned today, after doing some math and speaking to a few social workers, there is no way I can come up with my rent this month. My utilities are officially way past due. I should shut off my internet, cable, and phone; but am petrified of what I would do without any connection to the outside world. I have no idea where my children and I will be going in a few weeks. I cannot even throw my son a 4th birthday party, as I don't even know where I will be living. I had one thing I have been looking forward to, which will only cost $25 tops, and I cannot go. I can't even afford clothing that fits me. If it weren't for the baby shower my wonderful aunt is throwing for me and a few dear friends, my soon to be daughter would have nothing.

No one knows this but I am seriously considering putting her up for adoption. It breaks my heart to even type this as I cannot even say it out loud. I have wanted a daughter so desperately for years. Yet, right now, how dare I even contemplate bringing another child into my life? How dare I bring her into my household when I can't even support myself or my two boys. There are millions upon millions of women out there so desperate to have a child of their own. Those women would give everything to make sure she was well taken care of. I can't even take care of her when she is in the most protected place she will ever be in.

I never saw myself here..I swear a few years ago, I would have never seen myself as a heroin addict, manic depressive bi-polar psycho, who believes her children are truly better off without her. Yes. I do believe they are better off with out me. At least they wouldn't be looking at living in a damn shelter in a few weeks. Or sharing a couch and floor with each other and their parents in the middle of drive-by central. At least then, if I weren't here, the state would help my boys.

Yes. That is where we will be in a few weeks. Either in my in-laws living room, living in the middle of the ghetto, where the house next door gets shot at on a weekly basis. Or.. In a fucking homeless shelter. And, not until we are homeless for 60 damn days will the lovely, children 1st state of Connecticut, lend a helping hand.

Fuck. I have always fended for myself. Never needed to live off the damn state. Yes. I got married young. Yes, I was a teen mother. But damn it. My children, almost all three, in fact all 5 of my damn pregnancies have been fathered by the same man. Damn it. I moved out at 16, always been able to pay my own damn way. Even when the damn times got tough, my husband and I have gotten through it.

Then I lost my mind. Then everything went down hill. Starting with the depression and suicide attempt, continuing with the heroin, followed by us losing everything. Then things started looking up. For a whole couple months. Now... Back to falling down this damn hole into the pit of darkness, where everyone is just standing at the top laughing at us struggling to hold on.

I am sick on holding on. I am sick of fighting so hard to provide for my children. I just want what any caring mother wants.

To provide for my children.

I just want some help finding a place and paying to get out foot in the damn door. And a damn job for my husband. Yep. Fourteen months laid off now. Unemployment should have run out weeks ago, yet, some how he is still collecting. Some people would love to make what he makes a week in unemployment at a real job. But when your rent is more than most mortgages in the area.. it just does not cut it.

I knew if I began to type I would calm down. At least for now the tears and shaking have stopped. Now to prevent these suicidal thoughts from returning I must continue to fight and search for help. I know it has to be out there. I know this damn state cannot really expect someone who is actually not milking the system to go into a shelter with a preschooler, toddler, and soon to be newborn. I know if I keep fighting, as much as I don't want to I will find what I need to take care of my boys.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Damn head games.

I am worse than a little girl with a celebrity crush sometimes. I meet a guy, or a guy I already know begins to pay me a bit of attention and I start feeling all mushy about him. I say it is like a celeb crush, because I know I cannot act on it. I know nothing will ever come from it. I know I am happily in love with my husband. Yes, after 9 years he still lights my fire. But lately, so is this guy. Man, what I would do to have one night where I am single. Or just a few hours.. Actually.. I wouldn't do anything to have a few single hours. Why? Because I am happy with my relationship. I am happy being married. I am happy with who my husband is. And I would not change a damn thing. For now, I will enjoy knowing another man finds me interesting and attractive, especially now when I feel my worst. I will enjoy his flirtatious comments, gestures, and smiles. I will even think about him and what could be. Hell, I might even flirt back a tad bit. But risk my marriage? My over all happiness? My family? No way in hell.

All because I already have the most amazing man in the world, who makes me feel like a super model millionaire, even when I am big and pregnant, and a miserably unhappy person.

Another Comparison

Here is 27 and 28 weeks with Thomas and Collin. Baileys photo's are in the previous posts!

Monday, July 13, 2009

28 weeks and the glucose screening

Well this week I am 28 weeks. My BFF Katie, had her son at 37 weeks early Friday morning. David Gordan the third came into the world at 5 lbs 12 oz.
Before she had him, I was happy being pregnant. No where near ready for Bailey to make her way into this world. I was happy having her all to myself, in utero.
Now.... I am anxious and somewhat ready to have my little girl here. I am so excited about going into labor, delivering, and seeing my daughter. My daughter.. That still seems so weird to say. I have been a mother of boys for almost 4 years now. I am beginning to worry about raising a girl. My two biggest concerns are changing a female diaper and her growing up. The diaper changing thing may sound funny but I am so beyond serious. I mean, boys the biggest concern is the circumcision healing. After that it is all just wiping the outside. There are no folds to worry about getting poo in. I am petrified of changing my daughter.
Then there is the fact that she will be a teenager one day.. I think about how I was pregnant at the young age of 13. I think about all the wrongs I was doing at 13, running away from home, being a whore, dating 20+year old men. Man.. No wonder my parents kicked me out when I was 13.. I put them through hell. Granted if it weren't for my behavior and getting myself kicked out, I would not have began dating my husband, 20 years old at the time, but I would not have been given the children I have, and am about to have. I truly hope we raise her right and with more morals and respect for herself than I have had.

Today I did my glucose screening. My morning sickness is at its worst since the 1st trimester, so it was a real challenge to keep that gunk down for an hour. I threw up the minute I got home. Eww. Thursday is my next regular OB appointment. After that I will be going in every two weeks.

I guess I am in the home stretch now huh?

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

In the third trimester!

I actually have felt more awake the past two days. Maybe its the 3rd trimester, maybe it is the increase in my methadone dose, who knows.. I love having more energy!

27 weeks:

Monday, July 6, 2009

Some days..

Some days I am just unsure of this life I chose.
Some days I actually wish I could be an average 22 year old woman.
Some days I do not want to be an expecting wife and mother.
Some days I wish I had no responsibilities, no husband, no children.
Some days I just want to have fun, do what I want, when I want, with who I want.

Then, I look at my children, or my husband, and realize just how lucky I am.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

26 week belly and a random rant

I cannot believe it. In just a few short days I will be in my 3rd trimester already. Where did the time go? I am not ready for this baby in any way shape or form. As much as this pregnancy totally sucks physically, I do not want it to be over. I really, truly love being pregnant. I love having a reason to have the big belly. I love the attention. I love having people be there to offer help and what not. I am obsessing about my weight in severe ways. I am so petrified about not losing the weight after the baby. I am still weighing less than I did when I got pregnant with the boys, but only by a couple lbs. I know one sure fire way to drop the weight quickly and to get back to my happy place, but that is not even an option I can think about. I have to do things the right way this time. I will need a lot of support after Bailey comes. I will need a lot of motivation and will power after she comes as well. I will get down to 150 lbs again. I hate being the fat chic. I hate being the one with the thunder thighs, double chin, and gushy, jiggly stomach. Which makes me so not make any sense, as I love the way I look while pregnant. Especially near the end.

Does that even begin to make sense?


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