The Hurt Is Still There

Guilt

With my daughter's birthday soon approaching, guilt has begun to overcome me. October 3th, 2006 is not a day I will soon forget. It still haunts me. I still miss my baby I never got to hold.

When struggling with figuring out my due date early on in my last pregnancy, I only had one thought: Do not let it be on CBM's day. Do not let it be October 3rd. Of course it did end up being October 3rd; because, well that's my luck.

Being on Methadone, I let the date slip my mind. I would still be a day to remember CBM because Bailey was going to come before her due date. Most methadone babies come early. Then September 30th came. And I knew, Bailey's soon to be birthday would forever be bitter sweet. Mourning one child while celebrating another.

Bailey came just 3 hours and 9 minutes before her due date. I was convinced that night I was not going to remember my angel the next day.

Yet, I did remember. And I cherished my newborn baby girl so much more. I held her tight and cried. For my child who I never got to hold, and for her. I was so grateful just to have her with me.

It has been not quite 4 years since that dreadful day and it still saddens me just as much as it did then. Yet, it does so much more now. I no longer just weep and mourn for my child, as I had done the first two years. I now take my thoughts of my precious Angel, and focus my attention on the children who are here with me. I will do right by them, in honor of CBM. I will cherish my three Angel's who are here with me day by day. I will remember to not take them for granted. I will do my best to provide them with as much love as I can muster. And when there is a difficult day, I will try to remember my short time carrying CBM and focus my energies on Thomas, Collin, and Bailey. I owe it to CBM.

I may not have known your gender,

I may not have felt your touch.

But I will always remember. 

I will always love you, so very much.

Mommy Why?-A Way Back Whensday Post.

10 years ago I was pregnant. Yes, 10 years ago I wasn't even old enough to be in high school, yet I was carrying a child. Scary thought right?

I will never forget sitting with my father and him actually saying he loved me, whatever decision I made was fine with him and he'd support me. Mostly, I remember him saying something along the lines of, "Next time use two condoms." What sticks out about that is, at such a young age I knew 2 condoms were less safe than 1.

I remember my mother telling me to keep the baby, she'd raise her until I finished school. We'd make it work. I remember her telling me I should have asked to be put on birth control. How would I know it would be okay to ask for birth control at such a young age, when my parents have never spoken to me about the birds and the bees? Hell, I remember being punished for asking where babies come from.

Even with the huge amount of support from my parents, I chose abortion. I mean really what was the big deal? It's not like it was a baby yet..

August 4th, 2000; I walked in to the clinic. Passed the protesters. Passed the signs of dead babies. Passed the people screaming at me that I was selfish and about to kill an innocent life. Honestly, it didn't even phase me. I was going in and no one was stopping me.

As I laid on the examination table, ready for *my* child to be scraped and suctioned from my womb, the nurse and I joked about my hair which was a complete rainbow of colors at the time. After the procedure, all I cared about was getting some food into me and going home.

The thought of what I had done didn't really affect me for a while. Until a fight between me and the would-have-been father, when he said I killed his baby. Even then, not so much.

Then suddenly like a sack of bricks, I had a breakdown. I *did* kill our baby. I still felt as if I made the right decision for us at the time, but now I yearned for my child.

Today, I still yearn for that child.

Today, when people ask for my opinion on abortion, it is simply. It's your body, your choice; but know, that choice can haunt you for a lifetime.

Good moms v Bad Moms

Quite a few women I know on JM have been having pregnancy and infant losses. These women have proven time and time again what wonderful mothers they are. They have the strength, maturity, and assets for their unborn child. Yet their child is taken away from them. Some fight for years to have one child, and time and time again their dreams are shattered. Some aren't even trying to conceive but when they do, they are happy and plan on providing nothing but the best for their unborn. Some after suffering such a loss can't get pregnant again either from the physical or mental stresses and fight so hard to adopt. These women just wait for their child to finally be in their arms.

Then you have these other women. Women who have nothing that belongs to them, women who everything they have is owned or was given to them by their parents or others. Women who choose sex, drugs, and alcohol over their own children time and time again. Women who rely on and make their parents raise their children. Women who will have their older child care for and do everything for the younger. Women who shouldn't every have a child but do and instead of giving this precious life to another who will and can love and support them, these women keep these poor children and let them suffer.

At one point, though it was only for 6 or so months, I was that other woman. I did spend a bit a time choosing heroin over my boys. I did rely on my parents to shelter, feed, and provide my children. But even as a heroin addict I made sure to show my children how much I loved them, not as much as I do when clean, but still I hugged and kissed and said I love you numerous times a day. I still sat on the floor playing games and reading books. The mothers I am referring to are the ones who choose going out to a bar or a movie or just a friends house over staying at home with their children, not just one night here and there, but night after night after night. The mothers I am referring to are the ones who only change a diaper or feed their child when their parents are at work and are not home.

I hope to never be that mother again, even just a little bit.

I am just so heartbroken right now. I have it so easy when it comes to pregnancy. Yes I have had a loss and yes it still hurts, but I get pregnant so easily and have had (almost) all perfect pregnancies. I would love to carry a child for a woman like this, or donate an egg or two, to do something. 

I truly hope all these women will have their child in their arms soon. And these other women grow up and take responsibility for their own children.