When struggling with figuring out my due date early on in my last pregnancy, I only had one thought: Do not let it be on CBM's day. Do not let it be October 3rd. Of course it did end up being October 3rd; because, well that's my luck.
Being on Methadone, I let the date slip my mind. I would still be a day to remember CBM because Bailey was going to come before her due date. Most methadone babies come early. Then September 30th came. And I knew, Bailey's soon to be birthday would forever be bitter sweet. Mourning one child while celebrating another.
Bailey came just 3 hours and 9 minutes before her due date. I was convinced that night I was not going to remember my angel the next day.
Yet, I did remember. And I cherished my newborn baby girl so much more. I held her tight and cried. For my child who I never got to hold, and for her. I was so grateful just to have her with me.
It has been not quite 4 years since that dreadful day and it still saddens me just as much as it did then. Yet, it does so much more now. I no longer just weep and mourn for my child, as I had done the first two years. I now take my thoughts of my precious Angel, and focus my attention on the children who are here with me. I will do right by them, in honor of CBM. I will cherish my three Angel's who are here with me day by day. I will remember to not take them for granted. I will do my best to provide them with as much love as I can muster. And when there is a difficult day, I will try to remember my short time carrying CBM and focus my energies on Thomas, Collin, and Bailey. I owe it to CBM.
I may not have known your gender,
I may not have felt your touch.
But I will always remember.
I will always love you, so very much.