Saturday, September 25, 2010

Begins Again

I slowly see it returning, like a fog blanketing the city. Only instead, its a fog blanketing me. Just a few weeks ago things were really good. Simple things, like actually getting out of bed with a smile on my face or actually not minding picking up around the house. Spending most of the actually playing with my children and teaching them new things. I had no problem keeping my eyes open all day, something I had not been able to do for so long. Play dates 1-3 times a week. Visits to my moms just because and actually enjoying her company. My body wasn't sore. I felt good. I felt content with life. I felt content with myself for the most part. Were things 100% perfect? Of course not. Were there things needing improvement? Of course.

Now, this fog that once reduced my visibility to nothingness is returning again. Since the layoff I have been struggling to get up each morning. I have been nodding like a junkie every time I sit on the couch. Other than leaving the house with my husband for two hours on Tuesday, I have no left the house all week except for the few times I had no choice. Other than homework time after Thomas gets home, I have not really spent any time with the kids. Regarding household cleaning, I am only doing the bare minimum so the anxiety with the mess stays at bay. Through out the day I just want to sit on my ass. Even moving to change a diaper or make breakfast or lunch takes maximum effort. I'm avoiding phone calls again, instant messages, and emails.

I hate this. I hate feeling this way. I hate not having any control whatsoever over anything. Part of me feels like if I can't make anything work to help the family, outside the house, why do anything inside? I feel like I need to be doing more. The one thing I can do, my husband is fighting tooth and nail against it. Yes, he is right, I do not have a sitter to care for my kids if I work and he has side work. Yes we will argue like lunatics if I come home and everything isn't up to my standards. I know he means well and all, but this is my children's life. They can't live with out lights. They can't live with out food in the house. And what if there is an emergency at Thomas' school? We need a working phone. And with out the internet, which yes it is a luxury we all take for granted, with out the internet Mommy is not someone they want to be around. The internet is my only way to rid myself of stress. Without the phone and internet, I'd have no connection to the outside world from home.

Right now, I just want to be left alone. At the same time, I just want to do the best I can for my children.


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