Long Lasting Impact

Who knew the death of my grandmother, Nana, would have such a long lasting ill effect on me?

Things had already had been spiraling down hill when she had past. When the family "pulled the plug" it was for the better, for her, but it still was upsetting. I was angry, bitter, and hurt. How can she die without meeting her newest great-grandchild? Her death was icing on the cake of shit that was already getting worse with each passing day. Troubled marriage, a lay-off and lack of incoming money, postpartum depression, individuals in my life I couldn't quite trust but my husband refusing to understand why, things sucked royally when she passed. All of this was just the right combination to help me lose my mind, sending me into a psychotic break. Leading to suicide attempts and a heroin addiction.

Growing up, she was always the one that was there. Parents fighting all the time when I was three? Head on downstairs and there she'd be. Need to get away from my parents alcoholic and drug using tendencies? And she'd always let me come stay with her. She was always the one to make everything better. Always. Then she left me. She left me at the lowest point of my life.

Maybe if her passing was expected? Maybe if she didn't go from being perfectly fine to death in a matter of weeks? Maybe things would be different.

Since her passing, I have changed. I am no longer the happy, always smiling, always laughing person I once was.  Since her passing depression has taken over my life. I finally thought I was moving on, finally returning to the "old me." Then one little thing goes wrong and I am back to that dark place almost instantly, filled with thoughts of hurting myself or others. Filled with thoughts of finding the easiest way out. Filled with such darkness, it's almost impossible to see the light.

I was never this person before her passing.

Since her passing I have learned to appear to be the same person on the outside. I have learned how to act and behave so friends and family believe everything is happiness and roses. On the inside? It's complete turmoil. I no longer can handle the little things life throws at me and my family. Before her passing, my husband getting laid-off didn't really phase me. Yes I'd stress, but it didn't control my every thought.

Currently things are pretty rough around here. Worse than they were back then, financially. In fact, next week our cable, internet, and phone, followed by electricity will be getting shut off unless there is a miracle. My husband will only say, "Don't worry" to me. He flat out refuses to look for a non-drywall job. His reasoning is, he will just have to quit when better work comes up. And that, if he comes across a side-job, he'd make more than working somewhere for minimum wage. Why don't I go get a job, you ask? His same reasonings. "I make more in one day than you would in a week." Um dude, how is that possible when you aren't even working? His other reason is that if I work days, I'd have to quit the minute he is called back to work and if I work nights it would not be good for our marriage. And this last part is true. I can't even leave for an hour without things being turned into absolute chaos around here. My husband is not very good at multitasking when it comes to caring for the children, cooking dinner, running baths, bedtimes, and cleaning up the evening messes. In fact, he can't do it.

When I was working nights, I'd come home to a complete disaster to find the children didn't get a bath, dinner wasn't until 8-9 pm, and they fell asleep whenever. All three still in the clothes I had them in when I left. Which used to lead to me coming in screaming, throwing things, and slamming fists and a face into the walls. So, is me working worth the stress it would lead to?

I often wonder, had my grandmother not passed away, would I handle life stresses differently?
I am so sick of thinking about her death and all else that happened in 2008, ruined me.
I need to realize it's not her fault. I mean how could it be? It's not like she died to ruin my being and take away the light?

Who knew the death of my Nana, would have such a long lasting ill effect on me?

This post is written based on the writing prompt, "Describe a tragedy you didn’t expect to be as deeply affect by as you are." over at Mama Kat's.