Thursday, March 31, 2011

Smelling the Roses

"The optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious to the rose."

Sometimes even the most pessimistic person really needs to just stop and smell the roses. Being the "glass is half empty" person I tend to be, I need to remind myself of this. Tonight is one of those nights.

I can sit here and focus on Tom being laid off, yet again. I can focus on the bills and the rent, and our way too small apartment on a run down street. I can focus on all the money I need to come up with to get my wisdom teeth pulled, which all have four cavities. And if you know me, or have been following my blog over the past couple of years, you know I can ramble about pretty much anything.

Instead of rambling and going on and on about the bad, I'm going to take a moment to reflect on the good.

Despite not being to the dentist in 5+ years and having 6 cavities, my teeth aren't bad. I do not need to have any teeth pulled, besides the ones most people need to have done. Despite my glasses breaking, at my own hands, I have a nifty new pair that I was able to buy, and pay for in full, that I absolutely love.

We may not have the largest home, in a decent neighborhood or even a home that we own, but we have a home. We have a roof on our heads. We have a door that locks. We have electricity, heat, and hot water. We have food in the fridge and in the pantry. We have clean clothes, that fit, on our backs and shoes on our feet. We have luxuries like  cable television, internet, house and cell phones. Luxuries like video game consoles, toys, books, and movies. Luxuries like gym memberships, a van that fits our family and runs, and more. We are living comfortably.

Most importantly of all, we have love. We have each other. I have a husband and three children who love and cherish me. As I love and cherish them. I have smiles in the morning, and I love you's at night.

My children are so kind and so smart. Yes, all three have their moments, moments I tend to dwell on more often than I should. But they are really good kids.

Thomas is reading and doing basic math! He just learned to tie his shoes as well! Despite being in school now, he still get's jealous if I don't kiss him after kissing his brother and sister. He still asks for kisses and hugs. He tells me he loves me constantly. His new favorite way to do this is to pop out of no where and shout, "Peek a boo; I love you!" Followed by running into my arms for a hug and kiss. He understands what it means to be a big brother, and even though his sister and brother get on his nerves at times, he does all he can to help them, to play with them, to just be there for them. When either of them are upset, hurt, or just plain not getting their way, Thomas is right there. Either by hugging them saying in his sweet baby voice, "don't cry, Thomas got you" or helping them get what they want or need.

Collin's speech has come so far in the past 11.5 months. A boy who had a vocab of grunts and moans, with the occasional "mommy" and "daddy" does not stop talking! And heaven forbid if you do not listen! "'S'cuse me" or "look at my face" he will shout until you do listen. Even if he just wants to say, "We watched that last day". (Last Day-Collin speak for yesterday) Though he does not know what they are, he is writing all 26 upper and lower case letters. He is singing his ABC's finally, and counting to ten. He finally has his colors and shapes down as well. Some people will think, big deal he's three, he should know this stuff; but it is a big deal! He has come so far, and I cannot help but be proud. The boy colors just as well, if not better than his big brother, and loves to do "homework" right next to Thomas as well. He will sit for hours just working in his "Kindergarten basics" book, and figures most things out on his own. He is loving the computer these days, as well as his Leapster 2 and his (bother's) DS. The boy is obsessed with Barney and if he hears any children song he may have heard on Barney, he will shout, "That a Barney song" over and over again until you put it on. We went through a rough few weeks with him refusing to eat meals. We learned he was just upset that Thomas took over most of the conversation at dinner time and he wanted some attention as well. It may mean us feeding him currently, but it's no big deal. He eats and enjoys dinner again, and Mommy truly does not mind. Hell, I enjoy it just as much. His current favorite way to play is by running in and out of the room to kiss Daddy and I in silly places, from our ears to our hands to our feet. He think's it the funniest thing in the world. Personally I just think it's the sweetest.

And Bailey... oh my Bailey. That girl is at my favorite age. Trying so hard to be a big girl, not quite a baby any more, yet still my baby. Though I am sad our nursing relationship is coming to an end, I am beyond proud of her and I for making it 18 months. (Well Saturday will be 18 months.) I still offer at nap and bedtime. And she only nurses for less than a minute or two, but it's hard to move on. We will keep doing this until she flat out refuses. Which is happening more often than I like these days. When she's done with her boo she climbs down and kisses Daddy "ny ny" and waves. As soon as she gets to the door leading out of the living room she blows kisses, then runs for our room. When I lay her in her crib, which she is sleeping in all night long instead of partially cosleeping with me, she tells me ny ny and blows me a kiss. She is stacking blocks and cups and everything else she can. She can now stack all ten of her stacking cups. She is saying between 15-20 words on a regular basis and is showing interest in the potty! She loves to sit on the big ceramic thrown and talk to me. She is a little Diva-in-training these days and is quick to make her preferences known. From picking her own clothes (and her brothers!) to picking which shoes and jacket she leaves the house in. She likes to pick what cup she drinks from and when she has a bath. She will let you know when she wants to play with you, and when she prefers to play alone. She loves music and will dance for as long as she can hear it. She is just like her brothers, and even me as a kid, and loves Barney. I think it's because of all the songs. She also is a huge Yo Gaba Gaba fan, and will throw the hugest fit if someone changes the channel when it is on. Whenever Daddy or I walk in the door she runs to us screaming "Dada" or "Daddy." Just this week she finally started calling me "Mama". This is a huge deal as neither of my boys called me mama. Always just Mommy. I love it! I love her. And her brother. So, so very much.

As much as a bitch and moan about the little things, I truly have an amazing husband. A husband who will do all he can to keep me home with our kids. He often goes without to make sure the kids and I don't have to. He cooks us dinner every night, he washes laundry so I don't have to lug the massive amounts to the laundromat on my own. He deals with the bigger, non everyday messes that I hate to acknowledge. He wrestles with our kids, and gives them so many kisses and hugs. He is completely wrapped around our baby girl's little finger, and can often be found with her in his arms when he is trying to do something, as she hates to be away from him when he is home. He gives baths and showers. He is the "good guy" and let's the kids stay up late and gives them snacks I won't before bed. He's the one the let's them play video games with him that I'd rather they not bother with. He's the one that takes them out to different stores all the time. He's the one who cannot wait to hit the park when it is warm enough out. He may get frustrated easily when it comes to Thomas' homework and reading, but he's the one that can get Thomas to do it for me. He kisses me every morning when he first wakes up. Kisses me whenever he leaves or enters the house. Kisses me before he goes to sleep at night. He tells me he loves me and that I am beautiful every single day. Though he prefers to sleep on his belly, he sleeps half the night on his back so I can curl up with him each and every night. He get's me books he thinks I would like, though he doesn't understand why I read the "crap" I do. Most importantly of all. He believes in me. He believes I will one day "grow up" and do something I love, career wise. He tells me I am perfect as I am, but supports me in my weight loss goals. I can pick on all the little things he does that drive me up the wall, like leaving dirty socks in the strangest places and opening each and every cabinet door in the kitchen and leaving them open, but isn't that what a husband is supposed to do? Drive their wives a little nutty? I am so very grateful for such an unselfish, caring, considerate, loving man to call my husband.

All in all I have it made. I may not have every material item I want, but I have what I need and more. And even if I had less, I am one hell of a rich woman. I have a home filled with unconditional love and support. I have a family of my own that is...just....well....amazing.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Kisses for Daddy.

It was one hour ago, I put the boys to bed.
It was twenty minutes ago I had posted on Facebook about all three children being asleep.
Apparently one was faking.

Of course, after his 2 hour nap today, bedtime was not going to be that easy.
But, it's okay. He's being cute.

He came slowly tiptoeing out of his bedroom, and over to the couch where my husband lay, and kissed his arm.
Then his shoulder. Then his cheek and forehead.

At this point Daddy was smiling and my two boys were both giggling away. Of course when you laugh at Collin, or any of the kids really, he continues.

After a good 3-5 minutes of Collin kissing Daddy all over, the hubs told him with a huge grin, "That's enough Collin. It's time for bed."

Of course after the attention he was receiving he did not want to go back to bed. Then the kisses for Mommy began.

Of course I tried to kiss him back, and laid a gentle kiss upon his forehead, to which he replied, "No kiss my threehead!"

This kid is just pure awesomeness.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Snapshot Saturday & Weight loss crap

While looking at this photograph, my daughter announced, "There Daddy! Hi!" What a way to boost a 
self-conscious mom's self esteem. It shouldn't have bugged me, considering she calls both Tom and I daddy now..

I am at 25 lbs lost. Before I get the "way to go"s and "your doing great", wait a minute. That means I've only lost 5 lbs since December 6th. I need to step up to the plate. Thursday night I ran a 5k on the treadmill making another personal best.

37 minutes 20 seconds
Average speed: 4.9  mph
Average mile: 12 minutes 14 seconds
2 minute cool down at the end, making it 39 minutes, 20 seconds
Burned 750 calories

I started out struggling to do 50 crunches. I am not averaging around 375 each time I do them, I try for 500
My only problem is over the past 2-3 months my servings sizes crept back to where they used to be. And I've gone from hitting the gym 5-6 days a week to 1-3. Not good. Not good at all.

But when I look at a photo like that one up there, I can actually see some progress. Now, I know I really need to work harder on my legs, upper arms, and tummy.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

One screw up, and so much lost.

March 17th will be 30, yes 30 months clean. 30 months on this damn methadone program. 30 months struggling month after month to lower my dose. 30 months struggling just to get to the program to get medicated. Struggling to get to the program and home for the hubs to get to work on time. Struggling to find babysitters to get my monthly group in. Struggling and fighting so hard just to make contact with my counselor, who've I had since April 2010 and have yet to even meet, or even speak to.

January, I fucked up. I did. I can blame the snow. I can blame the ice. I can blame the program being closed the only day I was able to attend group. I can blame my mother in law for bailing out on us 3 different afternoons that month. But it was my fault I didn't make it to group in the month of January. February 1st when I realized the month was over, I called. Right away, "Hi My name is...Who do I speak to about....? What are the consequences going to be if my counselor doesn't return my calls or meet with me? I left voice mails for my counselor. I spoke to her higher up. I came in to see her where told she'd be with me in a few minutes, and after an hour of waiting and then finally asking what was taken so long, being told she walked right past me to leave for the day. Which wasn't the first, or last time she has totally blown me off.

Needless to say, they took away 7 of my bottles. Now I have to go back to weekly pick ups. So many people think, "Whats the big deal, you came daily in the beginning?" Or, "You did weekly pick-ups for months before the bi-weekly's." It's not that I have to come in every week. It's that I've only fucked up once. Never a dirty urine. Never raised my voice and cop't an attitude like the rest of the junkies who don't get their way. Never missed a treatment plan, a group session before this. Nothing. And they rip my bottles away. Yet, I have the person right behind me in line bragging about how they still only come twice a month and have never been to a group since moving program locations, 18 months ago. Go ahead and tell me life isn't fair, hell my 5 year old just told me the other day, but god damn it, this is just not fair. 

And to add insult to injury, my much awaited dose decrease had been denied. That makes no sense at all to me as well. Then the nurse is going to tell me to talk to so-and-so right then and there to clear it up? Um, I wish I could. I really wish I could. But I have a husband who cannot leave for work until I get home. I have three kids who are going to be waking up very shortly. I just cannot drop everything to meet with someone right then and there. Maybe if they would meet with me right then and there, I could have, but considering they usually make me wait 1-2 hours sitting in a waiting room, and then, only after all that time waiting, tell my my counselor either just left for the day, went to a meeting, took someone else who just walked in, or my favorite, went to lunch.

The drastic personality I tend to have is telling me to just quit cold turkey. I can do it, really.
Yea, sure. Then I think, "Um, Nicole....You start feeling withdrawals if you don't take your dose until the afternoon, are you really able to handle 3-5 days of that, slowly getting worse, and then finally getting better? Is losing a few bottles worth risking the fight and urge so intense to ease the pain? A fight you don't know if you can win?"

I want off, but I want off the right way.

Then I start thinking, "Well you've been told time and time again, to get anywhere in this program you need to be loud, obnoxious, and just plain rude. You were just told this, this morning! Yell. Get loud. Make threats. You're good at that with your husband and father, why not these people? You can be just as big of an asshole as most of the people there, as well as half the staff." Yet, while I do tend to get a little loud and mean when arguing with my husband and father, I am not going to do that with a group of people simply doing there job. But then again, if my counselor will actually answer the phone when I call in 2 minutes, maybe I will do just that.

All I want is just to free this hold Heroin has left on my life. I am suck of it controlling every aspect of my life. Is that really too much to ask?


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