Saturday, March 24, 2018

It's been a long time, since I've seen you my friend.

I haven't been here in years. It's been a long, long time since I've blogged.. but a lot has been on my mind, so here I return.

My recovery has been on my mind a lot lately. Come September it will be 10 years clean. Yet, 10 years ago this month is when I first used. I still can remember why I choose a drug over anything else. Therapy wasn't working, meds were making me worse, suicide was looking to be the only option I could face. Then I remembered what I was told the high would be like, what I had read it would be like, what I've seen it to be like. And I wanted that. Yes, it was my choice at first. People may never understand but my choice in that moment was to either die or find a way to make life worth living. My boys weren't enough, my marriage wasn't enough, nothing was enough. I was that far down the rabbit hole. I chose heroin. In a way, I can say heroin saved me. Sounds backwards as all hell, but it's my truth. I found a high that let me spend time with my boys rather than crying in the bathroom or just spacing out staring at walls contemplating just how to kill myself without my husband stopping me or the kids from finding me. I found a way that let me feel like I was on top of the world. And I didn't need to do it often, just once a week left me feeling great, until the end of the week came and I was spiraling down again. So I started twice a week. Not as much spiraling down, but was craving the euphoric feeling more than just feeling....normal. Before I knew it I *needed* it every day, more than once a day. More than the bills needed to be paid. The only items that came before the next fix was food, formula, and diapers. All that mattered was preventing my depression from kicking my ass. And I found a miracle drug. But it was costing us everything. Our home, our cars, our family. It wasn't until someone I love told me to get help or they'd take my boys that I realized I just switched from one rabbit hole to another. Instead of a quick death, I was choosing a slower one.  It's been ten years since I choose a high over death. Come September it will be ten years since I chose life over death.

I still struggle. I was at an all time low in 2016, to the point where I was legitimately hearing voices and seeing things. I wanted that easy fix desperately, but I remembered the threat of losing my kids. They were the only light in the dark and without them, I'd be nothing.

Since then, I've learned antidepressants work backwards for me due to being bipolar. Since all of this, I've found the "right" drugs to help me. Since then, I try to remember not what it was like in the beginning, but in the end of my days using. It wasn't a long time, I was lucky. Not even a year of my life was devoted to drugs. Yet, the rest of my life will be spent fighting the urge to use again.

People may think I am sharing too much, but I don't think so. I fight every single day to be a good wife, mother, employee, and member of society. I battle demons every single day. This week things are good. This year and last have been good. But who knows what tomorrow will bring? For now, I continue to fight each battle. And maybe, just maybe, in the end I will win the war.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Some families have two Daddy's

That was the sentence that started one hell of a long conversation with Thomas last night.

I was at the table with the kids eating dinner. Thomas asked if he could be the Daddy since Tom wasn't home. But then Collin wanted to be the Daddy. They argued and Thomas' response was there could only be one Daddy.

"Some families have two Daddy's," was my reply. We've had a conversation very similar years ago and I guess it was time for another.

"What? How? How can two Daddy's have a baby?"

We discussed how although all babies come from a man and women, not all families have a Mommy and Daddy. We discussed how some women have babies to give to families who can't have their own. We discussed how some women just can't keep their babies. We discussed that their are many, many different types of families. And that there are even some kids who don't have a mommy or a daddy. We even discussed adoption.

We discussed families with a Mom, Dad, and the kids.
Families with just a Mom or just a Dad, that may or many not have the other parent in the child's life.
Families with two Mommies, or two Daddies.
Families with no parents, families where the Grandparent, Aunt, or Uncle lives with the kids.

It was a long conversation with many questions. One I'm glad we had now that he is a bit older and does understand more.

Our family.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Happy Anniversary to me!

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Six years ago I walked down the aisle a blubbering mess. Pregnancy hormones and seeing him at the 'make-shift alter' had the waterworks flowing before I even stepped into through the double doors.

It's been a long, difficult six years. More up and downs than I'd ever think possible for two people to endure. I used to blog whenever I was down, more often than now it was because of him. In the past year I've cut that out mostly. I find if I think of the positives when he is driving me up a wall, every one is happier, and I don't make him out to always be the bad guy.

Our anniversary's tend to come and go with just a "Happy Anniversary" and a card to each other. Of the previous five, only one had a happy memory.

Until now. The hubs and I are not big on going out and spending loads of money we don't have. Even as a rare treat, unless the kids are with us. This year, do to the same funds we always seem to lack, we decided to stay home. We shipped out all three children for the night. I went to Hallmark and Gamestop looking for something, anything to get him for our special day. What do you get a man after 11 years together? What does he want besides a PS3? I hadn't a clue! At gamestop I saw Monopoly for the Wii. How perfect!

Let me explain. The hubs beats me at everything! And I do mean everything. Especially video games. The board game Monopoly is the only thing we have played with each other that I have always won. I am the Monopoly champ 'round these parts. No one I have ever played has won. Until last night. He beat me and the two other computers. I don't think I've heard that much laughter from him and I in a long time. It was as if it were the first year or two of our relationship again.

Before starting our game we picked up some subs from the local pizza joint and just sat and talked. Not something we get to due to often. And when we do talk, it's usually about money or the kids. Never about us.

After we ate, we took a shower, then started our game. I feared we'd both be sound asleep by 9:30-10. Proving we are an old married couple. Instead we played Monopoly until a bit after one.

When we finally were ready to go to sleep, it was nearing 3 am. I couldn't believe it! We had a night, with out fearing the children waking up, just laughing and having fun. He could not believe I actually stayed away from the computer and my books all night. I couldn't believe he didn't once try to put on Ghost Adventures. We fell asleep in each others arms.

This morning, due to him needing to go to work, we went and picked up the kids together. At my parents house, each boy ran up to us, with a handful of flowers. Not one was a dandelion!

We may go out for ice cream or to the park when the hubs gets home. We had our night, now it's time to switch from "anniversary mode" to "mother's day". Either way, we will spend tonight and tomorrow as a family.

We did not do much, nor did we do anything special. Yet, this sixth anniversary has been by far the best yet.

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Thursday, March 31, 2011

Smelling the Roses

"The optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious to the rose."

Sometimes even the most pessimistic person really needs to just stop and smell the roses. Being the "glass is half empty" person I tend to be, I need to remind myself of this. Tonight is one of those nights.

I can sit here and focus on Tom being laid off, yet again. I can focus on the bills and the rent, and our way too small apartment on a run down street. I can focus on all the money I need to come up with to get my wisdom teeth pulled, which all have four cavities. And if you know me, or have been following my blog over the past couple of years, you know I can ramble about pretty much anything.

Instead of rambling and going on and on about the bad, I'm going to take a moment to reflect on the good.

Despite not being to the dentist in 5+ years and having 6 cavities, my teeth aren't bad. I do not need to have any teeth pulled, besides the ones most people need to have done. Despite my glasses breaking, at my own hands, I have a nifty new pair that I was able to buy, and pay for in full, that I absolutely love.

We may not have the largest home, in a decent neighborhood or even a home that we own, but we have a home. We have a roof on our heads. We have a door that locks. We have electricity, heat, and hot water. We have food in the fridge and in the pantry. We have clean clothes, that fit, on our backs and shoes on our feet. We have luxuries like  cable television, internet, house and cell phones. Luxuries like video game consoles, toys, books, and movies. Luxuries like gym memberships, a van that fits our family and runs, and more. We are living comfortably.

Most importantly of all, we have love. We have each other. I have a husband and three children who love and cherish me. As I love and cherish them. I have smiles in the morning, and I love you's at night.

My children are so kind and so smart. Yes, all three have their moments, moments I tend to dwell on more often than I should. But they are really good kids.

Thomas is reading and doing basic math! He just learned to tie his shoes as well! Despite being in school now, he still get's jealous if I don't kiss him after kissing his brother and sister. He still asks for kisses and hugs. He tells me he loves me constantly. His new favorite way to do this is to pop out of no where and shout, "Peek a boo; I love you!" Followed by running into my arms for a hug and kiss. He understands what it means to be a big brother, and even though his sister and brother get on his nerves at times, he does all he can to help them, to play with them, to just be there for them. When either of them are upset, hurt, or just plain not getting their way, Thomas is right there. Either by hugging them saying in his sweet baby voice, "don't cry, Thomas got you" or helping them get what they want or need.

Collin's speech has come so far in the past 11.5 months. A boy who had a vocab of grunts and moans, with the occasional "mommy" and "daddy" does not stop talking! And heaven forbid if you do not listen! "'S'cuse me" or "look at my face" he will shout until you do listen. Even if he just wants to say, "We watched that last day". (Last Day-Collin speak for yesterday) Though he does not know what they are, he is writing all 26 upper and lower case letters. He is singing his ABC's finally, and counting to ten. He finally has his colors and shapes down as well. Some people will think, big deal he's three, he should know this stuff; but it is a big deal! He has come so far, and I cannot help but be proud. The boy colors just as well, if not better than his big brother, and loves to do "homework" right next to Thomas as well. He will sit for hours just working in his "Kindergarten basics" book, and figures most things out on his own. He is loving the computer these days, as well as his Leapster 2 and his (bother's) DS. The boy is obsessed with Barney and if he hears any children song he may have heard on Barney, he will shout, "That a Barney song" over and over again until you put it on. We went through a rough few weeks with him refusing to eat meals. We learned he was just upset that Thomas took over most of the conversation at dinner time and he wanted some attention as well. It may mean us feeding him currently, but it's no big deal. He eats and enjoys dinner again, and Mommy truly does not mind. Hell, I enjoy it just as much. His current favorite way to play is by running in and out of the room to kiss Daddy and I in silly places, from our ears to our hands to our feet. He think's it the funniest thing in the world. Personally I just think it's the sweetest.

And Bailey... oh my Bailey. That girl is at my favorite age. Trying so hard to be a big girl, not quite a baby any more, yet still my baby. Though I am sad our nursing relationship is coming to an end, I am beyond proud of her and I for making it 18 months. (Well Saturday will be 18 months.) I still offer at nap and bedtime. And she only nurses for less than a minute or two, but it's hard to move on. We will keep doing this until she flat out refuses. Which is happening more often than I like these days. When she's done with her boo she climbs down and kisses Daddy "ny ny" and waves. As soon as she gets to the door leading out of the living room she blows kisses, then runs for our room. When I lay her in her crib, which she is sleeping in all night long instead of partially cosleeping with me, she tells me ny ny and blows me a kiss. She is stacking blocks and cups and everything else she can. She can now stack all ten of her stacking cups. She is saying between 15-20 words on a regular basis and is showing interest in the potty! She loves to sit on the big ceramic thrown and talk to me. She is a little Diva-in-training these days and is quick to make her preferences known. From picking her own clothes (and her brothers!) to picking which shoes and jacket she leaves the house in. She likes to pick what cup she drinks from and when she has a bath. She will let you know when she wants to play with you, and when she prefers to play alone. She loves music and will dance for as long as she can hear it. She is just like her brothers, and even me as a kid, and loves Barney. I think it's because of all the songs. She also is a huge Yo Gaba Gaba fan, and will throw the hugest fit if someone changes the channel when it is on. Whenever Daddy or I walk in the door she runs to us screaming "Dada" or "Daddy." Just this week she finally started calling me "Mama". This is a huge deal as neither of my boys called me mama. Always just Mommy. I love it! I love her. And her brother. So, so very much.

As much as a bitch and moan about the little things, I truly have an amazing husband. A husband who will do all he can to keep me home with our kids. He often goes without to make sure the kids and I don't have to. He cooks us dinner every night, he washes laundry so I don't have to lug the massive amounts to the laundromat on my own. He deals with the bigger, non everyday messes that I hate to acknowledge. He wrestles with our kids, and gives them so many kisses and hugs. He is completely wrapped around our baby girl's little finger, and can often be found with her in his arms when he is trying to do something, as she hates to be away from him when he is home. He gives baths and showers. He is the "good guy" and let's the kids stay up late and gives them snacks I won't before bed. He's the one the let's them play video games with him that I'd rather they not bother with. He's the one that takes them out to different stores all the time. He's the one who cannot wait to hit the park when it is warm enough out. He may get frustrated easily when it comes to Thomas' homework and reading, but he's the one that can get Thomas to do it for me. He kisses me every morning when he first wakes up. Kisses me whenever he leaves or enters the house. Kisses me before he goes to sleep at night. He tells me he loves me and that I am beautiful every single day. Though he prefers to sleep on his belly, he sleeps half the night on his back so I can curl up with him each and every night. He get's me books he thinks I would like, though he doesn't understand why I read the "crap" I do. Most importantly of all. He believes in me. He believes I will one day "grow up" and do something I love, career wise. He tells me I am perfect as I am, but supports me in my weight loss goals. I can pick on all the little things he does that drive me up the wall, like leaving dirty socks in the strangest places and opening each and every cabinet door in the kitchen and leaving them open, but isn't that what a husband is supposed to do? Drive their wives a little nutty? I am so very grateful for such an unselfish, caring, considerate, loving man to call my husband.

All in all I have it made. I may not have every material item I want, but I have what I need and more. And even if I had less, I am one hell of a rich woman. I have a home filled with unconditional love and support. I have a family of my own that is...just....well....amazing.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Kisses for Daddy.

It was one hour ago, I put the boys to bed.
It was twenty minutes ago I had posted on Facebook about all three children being asleep.
Apparently one was faking.

Of course, after his 2 hour nap today, bedtime was not going to be that easy.
But, it's okay. He's being cute.

He came slowly tiptoeing out of his bedroom, and over to the couch where my husband lay, and kissed his arm.
Then his shoulder. Then his cheek and forehead.

At this point Daddy was smiling and my two boys were both giggling away. Of course when you laugh at Collin, or any of the kids really, he continues.

After a good 3-5 minutes of Collin kissing Daddy all over, the hubs told him with a huge grin, "That's enough Collin. It's time for bed."

Of course after the attention he was receiving he did not want to go back to bed. Then the kisses for Mommy began.

Of course I tried to kiss him back, and laid a gentle kiss upon his forehead, to which he replied, "No kiss my threehead!"

This kid is just pure awesomeness.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Snapshot Saturday & Weight loss crap

While looking at this photograph, my daughter announced, "There Daddy! Hi!" What a way to boost a 
self-conscious mom's self esteem. It shouldn't have bugged me, considering she calls both Tom and I daddy now..

I am at 25 lbs lost. Before I get the "way to go"s and "your doing great", wait a minute. That means I've only lost 5 lbs since December 6th. I need to step up to the plate. Thursday night I ran a 5k on the treadmill making another personal best.

37 minutes 20 seconds
Average speed: 4.9  mph
Average mile: 12 minutes 14 seconds
2 minute cool down at the end, making it 39 minutes, 20 seconds
Burned 750 calories

I started out struggling to do 50 crunches. I am not averaging around 375 each time I do them, I try for 500
My only problem is over the past 2-3 months my servings sizes crept back to where they used to be. And I've gone from hitting the gym 5-6 days a week to 1-3. Not good. Not good at all.

But when I look at a photo like that one up there, I can actually see some progress. Now, I know I really need to work harder on my legs, upper arms, and tummy.


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