Wednesday, September 30, 2009

39 weeks, appt and belly pic

Another week gone. Due date is Saturday/Monday, depending on what you want to go by. Yep, I found out my doctor had changed my due date to the 5th at some point. No clue when. It sucks when I was originally due on September 22nd. I am so over being pregnant right now. I hate saying this since I know very well after the 1st few days or week or so, I will definitely miss having Miss Bailey all to myself, the kicking, and the belly..but, for now, I am over pregnancy. I have done everything I could find on naturally inducing labor, except eating pineapple and acupuncture. And if I could do acupuncture at home, I would have done that as well.

Other than finding out my due date was changed again, my appointment was totally uneventful. I had another ultrasound 1st. Bailey is measuring 7 lbs 15 oz. To me, I thought that was strange since two weeks ago she was measuring 7 lbs 11 oz and I had *thought* babies were supposed to gain 1/2-1 lb per week in the last month. I am not complaining, the thought of pushing out an eight lb baby scares the bejesus out of me. We got a good face shot, unfortunately I can get a good photo of it and don't own a scanner. She looks just like me when I am miserable. Frowny face and all. Fluid is still borderline. Consistency is a good thing here. Heart rate was 128 BPM.

Then I went on for the appointment. Urine fine, BP was up but "normal" 128/72. No changes in my cervix, still 1cm dilated and 50% effaced, just like the last two weeks. Again, very soft. He said it feels a lot different than last week. I guess that is a good thing? I don't know. Bailey is just comfortable in there. I mentioned that her movement has decreased by at least 50% in the past week, which I had attributed to lack of space. So he scheduled me for a non-stress test on Friday morning. I was told to make sure I have a good breakfast first. Monday, my new due date, is my next appointment and another ultrasound to make sure she is still content in there. Sadly, I will not be seeing my OB that day. I will be seeing the on call OB, Dr. Farrentino.

Yep, my OB is on vacation as of today. If I deliver between now and October 11th, he will be delivering Miss. Bailey. If I make it to the 12th, which I hope I don't, I will get Dr. Sharpe. He is on vacation until then. The man only takes one vacation a year and this is just my luck...

I was very upset this entire pregnancy about the possibility of him not delivering me, was excited when I learned he would be, let down when told Bailey would be transferred, excited again when told how we would handle that, and now let down again since he is on vacation and Bailey has yet to make her appearance.

I am now okay with Farrentino delivering. He is one of my cousin's OB's and is known for having the birthing partner help deliver/"catch" the baby. My cousin actually was the one to hold onto his son's head and help guide him out as his fiance pushed. He was the 1st person to hold the baby, even before the OB. I think that is awesome. Tom is a bit apprehensive about the whole idea of "catching" Bailey, but is starting to come around.

I guess that's everything.. I have finally at 6:41 pm on September 30th, given up hope of having another September baby.

Lastly, here is my latest belly picture, hopefully my last, as 39 weeks was the last with both boys:

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

38 wk appointment, ultrasound, and belly picture

Made it to yet another appointment.

Ultrasound was fine, we didn't measure Bailey, but just checked the fluids. Still borderline low. Bailey is still head down as well. She looks very cramped in there.

Appointment was normal. Urine fine, BP 112/70, weight down 1 lb from last week. Total gain: 11 lbs. I am the same as last week. 1 cm dilate, 50% effaced. Today he added that my "cervix is very soft, and ready for labor to begin." He also added some really crappy news. If I make it past my next appointment he may not be delivering. He will be on vacation from Sept. 30th-Oct. 7th. I know who will deliver if I go into labor during that window of time, but 1. I do not want to make it that far along, and 2. I have said this entire pregnancy I really want Dr. Sharpe to deliver my 3rd child. We were told this same thing when pregnant with Collin. My OB was going on Vacation on Jan. 19th, was going to induce on the 18th, but I had him on the 17th.

So I guess we will see...I hate not knowing what is going to happen.

Here is my latest belly picture:


Saturday, September 19, 2009

Amateur Maternity Photo's

Can't afford the real thing, so here is what my hubby and son did for me.


Friday, September 18, 2009

Is pregnancy sexy?

I read this blog faithfully every time there is a new post. Today's post was simply a link to something the author had written about a new commercial for "HOTmilk Lingerie."

I know everyone has different feelings of their pregnant body. I personally do feel extremely attractive, even sexy while pregnant. When I am not sporting my big baby bump, I usually have very low self esteem and never think of myself as an attractive woman. Yet, while pregnant, I feel as if I am the most beautiful woman in the world. My husband, tells me he thinks I am beautiful all the time pregnant or not, but when I am pregnant, he just seems more attracted to me. It is like once I hit the 3rd trimester he can't stop staring and drooling, LOL. Which of course, helps boost my self esteem as well. I find the pregnant body to be absolutely stunning. Absolutely sexy.

Anyway, what are your thoughts? Now that all of us have big bellies, how are you feeling about your self? Do you think lingerie marketed for pregnant women is a good idea? Or do you find it kinda sick?

Just looking for others thoughts to make sure I am not just a complete freak.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Online Love & Support.

I swear I am so very fortunate to have an amazing support system online. The women on Justmommies have been amazing to me since I first joined January 20th of 2005, when I was newly pregnant with Thomas. Since then, I have gone through many life changes. Many ups, and even more downs. Without the women I have 'met' on this site, I would not have a place to go to vent my frustrations, brag about my boys, etc. I would not have a place to socialize, which any sane woman needs. As I called them before, I would not have the amazing support system I have. These girls are my crutch. They hold me up when I am down. They are always there for me, no matter how stupid I can be sometimes. And they will let me know when I am being ridiculous as well, without being vicious about it, like some of the people I know IRL.

Anyways, the reason behind this post is the 3 beautiful gifts I have received this week.

1st came, these beautiful outfits from Chrisa. All three are gorgeous, I love the little green outfit and cannot wait to put her in it soon! The middle outfit is 12 mos, and I just love the pants! I cannot wait until she can fit into this outfit. And the sleeper says, "I love Mommy" and "I love Daddy." Tom already decided Bailey will be sleeping in it the 1st night she comes home.

Next came a package from Shannon & the girls from the January 08 Playroom on Justmommies. I have been wanting to cloth diaper Bailey, I just love the look of cloth, plus the money we can save is just all the reason in the world behind wanting to use cloth. My problem is finding them in stores. I don't have a bank account or credit card, so buying online is almost impossible. Plus the start up costs are not an option right now with Tom being laid off, yet again.
Anyway, I was sent these adorable diapers. I especially love the black and lilac one.

And lastly, I received another package this morning. Unfortunately, it didn't say who it was from. I have no idea who it can be from at all. So if someone can fill me in so I can thank them properly I would appreciate it. I know it has to be someone from Justmommies, because no one I know IRL would have a package sent to me.
It was a gift basket and extra bottle of lotion from Burt's Bees. The two lotions, the shampoo/bodywash, and apricot oil all smell delicious! I cannot wait to use them on Bailey. There was also diaper cream, which I have always heard such positive comments about. And there was a cute little comb with the 'bee' on it. Plus the little basket is so cute!

Thank you girls for the beautiful gifts and always being there for me, in so many ways. Without you, I would lose my mind. You are all such amazing people and I just wish I could afford to do something kind in return. I hope my thanks and gratitude is enough for now.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

37 , 1, and 50!

So had another OB appointment today with ultrasound. The ultrasound was fine. My fluid was borderline low again, but since it was an early appointment there is nothing to worry about since I throw up all morning and don't have any fluids in me. Bailey's heartbeat was 128, same area as always lately. She is also measuring bigger than both my boys were when born. 7 lbs 11 oz! Here's to hoping its way off if I go to 40 weeks. If I go until 40 weeks She should be 9-10 lbs.Yea. I don't really want that lol!

As for my appointment itself, I had my GBS swab done and am 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced. Dr. Sharpe doesn't think I will follow in the boys pattern and deliver at 39.5-40 wks. I hope he is right. I definitely think the EPO I have been taking is working.

As for my delivery concerns. I will be delivering in Milford. If my delivery goes as perfect as it has in the past, I will be discharged when Bailey is transferred. If, heaven forbid, there are complications or I have a c-section, which we both highly doubt, I will be transferred with her to Yale. I couldn't be happier. I get to have my OB deliver, and will get to be with my daughter. No, I am still not happy or even content about her staying in the hospital, but I am now content about what will happen with me.

So now, here's to hoping I go into labor A.S.A.P!

And now, here is my 37 week photo.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Officially Full Term

Yep I am full term 37 weeks and 1 day today! I am so excited to make it to full term, considering the many many contractions I have had over the past 18 or so weeks <_< :lol:

Now, all I need to do is make it past Tuesday's appointment and I guess I am ready to go! At my last u/s she was measuring a couple ounces shy of 7 lbs, and that was two weeks ago. (yes I know it can be way off!)

In the past few days I have put together her bassinet, washed all of her clothes and folding and put away all the NB and 0-3 mo stuff. I still have to put her swing together but am waiting for the last minute due to the kitty. I packed my bag as well, but it was strange not packing her bag as well, since she won't be coming home with me. I have also cleaned my bedroom more than I have done since the day my parents moved and cleaned the living room and scrubbed the kitchen and bathroom.

I would love to say the nesting phase has finally kicked in, but it hasn't this wasn't all done because of an intense urge like the boys, it was done because I am petrified of going into labor today at Thomas' birthday party, don't ask why, just a feeling I have had since the beginning of the pregnancy. Also, done because this place was disgusting and I had no choice but get it done.. I hadn't done a decent cleaning in months..

All that's left besides figuring out the delivery is calling my insurance company to find out the details of the breast pump. My plan is to call Monday morning.

I am still feeling cruddy. Having contractions every 20 minutes or so daily, then every 3rd or 4th day they get 10x worse and come every 3 minutes convincing myself I am in labor then going away.. Hemorrhoids just made a disgusting appearance. Today I have had really dull yet persistent cramping, starting in my back and radiating to my lower abdomen all the way down into my crotch.. My girly parts feel like I had really, really rough sex last night. Whenever I go from sitting to standing it feels as if Bailey is just going to fall out, thats how crazy the pressure is. I never felt that with the boys.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Worried and frightened.

Finally we have some answers about what will happen with Bailey after her birth.
I found out last week at my OB appointment that the pregnancy has gone so smoothly, despite all my discomfort and contractions, that my OB will be delivering at my usual hospital. Apparently that is really not good news at all. Who'd of thought? At my boy's check ups yesterday, I asked him what will happen after the birth. He was quick to tell me based on my dose and what my OB has said everything should go as if she was completely healthy, and just be monitored for a week or two, as I have already known. He then called the hospital to confirm and they no longer "deal with" methadone babies at all and will be transporting Bailey to Yale New Haven Hospital within the first 24 hours of her birth. Alone. Without her mommy. Regardless if she is born completely fine or is suffering severely, it doesn't matter, they will gladly be there for the birth, but that's it. Then they will just ship her off. I am heartbroken right now. I have been struggling with knowing I would have to leave her in the hospital, but now... Now I am a complete mess. How can I be there for her, bond with her, establish nursing her and building my supply, if she will be moved a half hour away in a different hospital and I will still be awaiting my discharge.

I am a mess. I feel as if I am already failing her. I feel like I have already lost that special connection you form with your children when they are first born. I had been doing very well with my depression until now. Even knowing she will be in the hospital longer than me, and with Tom being laid off yet again, I have been doing very well with coping with everything. Until now. Now I feel I am back at that dangerous low point again. I cannot be in that spot. Not right now. I need to be able to deal, for her. I need to be 100% for her. I cannot be struggling with myself and be there for her, and the boys. I just can't. I need to figure out how to deal....

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Thomas' 1st Day of Preschool.

9/9/09 A day a will never forget. My oldest baby went to school. He goes Mon, Wed, and Fri 12-2:30, in the same preschool, in the same classroom, with the same teacher, I had 18 years ago.
Thomas was so excited this morning and asked to go to school starting at 7:30 this morning. Finally at 11 a.m. I let him get dressed. At 11:45 we were headed out the door.


At 11:55 we arrived at the church, his school is in. He looked both ways and crossed the parking lot and started walking super fast to the door, careful to turn and make sure I was still following behind him.


We stopped at the door to snap another photo,


and went to find room #2.


Finally Mrs. Bast and Mrs. Bell opened the classroom doors, had the boys and girls line up and the parents sign them in. Each student had to find an apple with their name on the apple tree posted on the door. Thomas' immediately grabbed the one that said "Thomas" and placed it in the basket he was told to put it in.

When 1st going into the classroom the kids were told to play. Thomas' immediately ran to the pretend kitchen to play, mommy's favorite spot 18 years ago. And to think, the same exact kitchen set is still there!


Then he went and played cars.


Out of the corner of his eye he spotted the play dough on the table. He was beyond thrilled, especially with all the toys that went with the play dough.


Mrs. Bast was right there to help him when he got stuck with the rolling pin and cookie cutters.


Then it was story time. Thomas sat on his mat patiently while everyone settled down.


After "The Mouse who went to school," the kids were called two at a time to the rest room to wash their hands and get ready for snack time. Thomas stayed on his mat until he was called, washed his hands, threw his paper towel in the trash and found his "snack mat"


All the kids were asked to wait for everyone to sit before eating with their hands folded. Thomas' kept trying to eat his crackers.


Thomas was one of the only two students who finished all his milk and both graham crackers.


After snack the kids went back to their mats and sang two interactive songs, which the parents participated in.


Then it was time for the "Weekly Reader," a two page flyer where the kids had to describe what was in the pictures. Then Thomas got his wish granted. All day long he had been asking if he was going to get homework. And he got two sheets of homework. He has to find the objects found in a class room and color a picture of a pencil. If he brings them back on Friday he will get two stickers. Then it was time to leave. Thomas ran to both teachers said thank you and told them he will see them Friday. On the way out I snapped one last photo of my school-boy.


I have never been more proud, happy, and sad at any point in my life. Still, I cannot believe how hard it was to see him in a classroom setting. I am just so amazed that for the last 4 years, I have been his sole care taker and from here on out, teachers will be there to help mold the person he will be as an adult. I love this boy so much and it hurts to see him move on to this stage in his life. I just have to face it. My baby is growing up.

Oh! And because Thomas' birthday was Sunday, he gets to celebrate on Monday in school! We have to bring in cupcakes for all the kids! I am so excited! Then September 21st he gets to go on his 1st field trip, Apple picking!

Man I love my boy.

36 week belly picture

I almost did it! I am just 3 days away from full term! Despite being so miserable physically, I am psyched!

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Happy Birthday Thomas.

Happy 4th birthday my sweet baby boy. You are no longer a baby, but you will always be in my eyes.

That's right. My Thomas turns 4 today. Four years ago, I woke up unsure that it was time. Finally I realized it was in fact time and off to the hospital I went. After a few hours of labor, and 45 minutes of pushing, out he came at 2:43 p.m. on Tuesday September 6th. He was this little defenseless being who relied on me for everything. Without me, he would never have survived. Without an adult, no newborn can survive. He needed me to keep him fed, changed and clean. He needed me to teach him to be a person.

Now.. Now he is 4 years old. He can speak his needs on his own. He no longer needs someone to figure out what it is he needs. When he is hungry or thirsty he either helps himself or gets me to help him out. He no longer needs to wait for me to figure it out. When he is dirty, he will run to the restroom and wash up himself. Or he will tell me he needs a shower, "because his feet are dirty" and then proceed to wash himself. He no longer needs me to rock him to sleep. He can now tell me he is tired, go into his room, climb into bed himself and fall asleep. He no longer needs me to tell him it's time to start the day. He gets up on his own and tell me now. He will no longer rely on me to teach him everything he will ever need to know. On Wednesday, he starts his school career and will now have other adults to teach and guide him.

I am not ready to let go and let him start being on his own. Yes, I know it is only preschool and it is only 7.5 hours a week, but this is a new beginning. This is the start of him having his own life. A life not including myself or his Daddy.

No I do not want to shelter him from the world and everything in it, but I am not ready to let him see it yet either.

It is time for me to realize my baby is no longer a baby and is now in fact a child ready to fly on his own a bit. At least for now, it will only be him fluttering around the nest and not leaving for good anytime soon.

I love this boy so much. Happy 4th Birthday Thomas.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

35 week photo!

Less than 5 weeks until D-day is here!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

35 wk appt and ultrasound.

My appt went great, u/s was perfect. Fluid is back up in the normal range, which I attribute to my huge increase in water and taking it easy as I was told to do by my OB at my last visit. Bailey's measuring 5 lbs 1 oz and her heartbeat was 127 BPM. I mentioned to the u/s tech that Bailey's activity level has decreased tremendously in the past 24-36 hours, and she says it is most likely going to be more shifting instead of kicks and jabs due to her size and because she is "running out of room." Which is what I was thinking so I am happy with the reasoning.

I gained 1 lb since last week, so +9 lbs total now. My BP was 102/62, which is where it usually is. And lastly, my urine was fine.

My OB was very happy with every thing and told me I can take next week off from seeing him, and come back in two weeks to officially start my weekly appointments. I will be 37 weeks then. I will also have yet another u/s to make sure she is still head down and to reassess her size.

I finally got a couple answers out of him as well. He will definitely be delivering Bailey and I will definitely be having her in the same hospital I have had the boys, which is what I wanted all along. I have to call the kids pediatrician and the hospital as well, to discuss what the plan of care will be when Bailey is born. I have been told by the nurse at the meth. clinic to count on Bailey being in the hospital at least 1-2 weeks, if she is perfectly healthy. The withdrawal symptoms can take 3-5 days just to make an appearance so that scares me a bit..

Right now I am really struggling with knowing she will definitely not be coming home with me. Tom will not be able to take any time off at all, since he has just recently gone back to work. So I am struggling with knowing that I will have to do everything on my own, driving up to see her, bringing Thomas to and from school 3x/wk, taking care of Collin all day.. It is so overly important for me to make nursing Bailey work and I am scared out of my mind that she won't take to it, since I won't be with her 24/7. And this is the downfall to me delivering at my hospital. It is 25 minutes away, which isn't a big deal whatsoever, but the other one is 5-10 minutes away and I have problems staying awake behind the wheel. Unless I am just driving in town and only driving for 10 minutes at a time tops, I cannot keep my eyes from closing while driving. And the last thing I need to hurt or kill myself or someone else. So I need to find someone close by that can help me with the boys, and getting to and from the hospital X amount of times each day...

I am just so scared about everything now that I am so close.. I'll just stop rambling.. I put myself in this situation and now I just gotta deal with it..


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