Friday, September 11, 2009

Worried and frightened.

Finally we have some answers about what will happen with Bailey after her birth.
I found out last week at my OB appointment that the pregnancy has gone so smoothly, despite all my discomfort and contractions, that my OB will be delivering at my usual hospital. Apparently that is really not good news at all. Who'd of thought? At my boy's check ups yesterday, I asked him what will happen after the birth. He was quick to tell me based on my dose and what my OB has said everything should go as if she was completely healthy, and just be monitored for a week or two, as I have already known. He then called the hospital to confirm and they no longer "deal with" methadone babies at all and will be transporting Bailey to Yale New Haven Hospital within the first 24 hours of her birth. Alone. Without her mommy. Regardless if she is born completely fine or is suffering severely, it doesn't matter, they will gladly be there for the birth, but that's it. Then they will just ship her off. I am heartbroken right now. I have been struggling with knowing I would have to leave her in the hospital, but now... Now I am a complete mess. How can I be there for her, bond with her, establish nursing her and building my supply, if she will be moved a half hour away in a different hospital and I will still be awaiting my discharge.

I am a mess. I feel as if I am already failing her. I feel like I have already lost that special connection you form with your children when they are first born. I had been doing very well with my depression until now. Even knowing she will be in the hospital longer than me, and with Tom being laid off yet again, I have been doing very well with coping with everything. Until now. Now I feel I am back at that dangerous low point again. I cannot be in that spot. Not right now. I need to be able to deal, for her. I need to be 100% for her. I cannot be struggling with myself and be there for her, and the boys. I just can't. I need to figure out how to deal....


  1. Nicole, is it at all possible for you to deliver that the hospital she needs NICU care at?

  2. I'm sorry, that really sucks. If it makes you feel at all better (and I know, it might not, but...) I've read a lot about the bonding process and especially about mothers who have, through whatever circumstances, been unable to hold their babies right away or start off instantly by being connected with them. They, too, were extremely frightened and concerned about not starting off on the right foot.

    The fact is, you're already bonded with your baby -- she already knows her mommy's voice and presence and you will catch up so quickly you'll forget that there was a gap -- at least, that's all that I read on it.

    That being said, only after having my kid do I know what it's like to be fiercely possessive and protective and it would drive me nuts, too, to think that she wasn't where I was and I couldn't access them. If you have to think about it in a certain way, think about it in terms that you're doing what you have to for her best health and interest. I know as a parent, I'd do *anything* for my boy, even if that meant sending him away from me to be taken care of. That's essentially what you're doing -- you know the care she'll be getting is better where she'll be, so although it hurts, you're doing exactly what you should be -- being a great mommy.

    Hugs to you and I hope you find lots of strength and comfort coming your way. We're all rooting for you both.



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