Thursday, June 10, 2010

My babies.

I have had my two never-born children in my mind a lot lately. One would be 9 this year, the other 3. They would be blonde with blue eyes like my other three. If I go by my three living children's pregnancies, the 9 year old would probably have been a girl. Causing tons of mischief by now, with a typical almost pre-teen attitude. Though I terminated that pregnancy at 11 weeks, I was far enough a long to craves sweets, and have almost all day morning sickness. Just like my daughter Bailey. Again, going by my three children's pregnancies, my 3 year old would be a boy with the same name as my 2 year old, Collin Paul. That pregnancy, which I miscarried at 11 weeks and 3 days, was going exactly as my boys. No morning sickness, no fatigue, no nothing. Would he be potty trained by now? He would be starting preschool in the fall. I wonder if he and Thomas would get a long better than the living Collin and Thomas, since they'd be closer in age and he'd be talking up a storm by now.

I miss my children I never met and never got to know. Both of them will always have a special spot in my heart. Both my husband and I will always love them.

As much as I miss them and love them, I do not regret what happened. If I didn't miscarry with CBM in '06 I would not have my Collin. CBM was due April 15th, 2007. I conceived Collin about a week and a half after that. Based on when Collin was conceived, part of me believes CBM's spirit is within Collin.

Now let's go back to the year 2000. If I had kept my 1st child, I would not be with Tom. I would not have any of my three living children. I probably would have a few children by all different men. Terrible thing to say, but when my 1st baby was conceived I was on a downward spiral, becoming a tramp. I will admit it, I was a skank back then. My parents would have mostly raised her, so I wouldn't be come a middle school drop out. Tom would probably still be in prison right now. My parents, though furious about my 'mistake' were starting to get excited about becoming grandparents. My mother loves babies and was becoming thrilled with the idea of little baby clothes, diapers, middle of the night feedings, all of it. My mother, was more than willing and happy to help her child raise a child. My father, was getting into the idea as well, as long as Tom had nothing to do with the kid and as long as he paid his debt to society. But I couldn't live with sending the love of my life to prison and I ended the pregnancy. It didn't really phase me when I made the decision. It didn't phase me after it was done. I didn't think about it again for months. That was until Tom blamed me for killing his child. Which I had done. I killed our baby.

But I still love her, and CBM, as much as I love Thomas, Collin & Bailey. I will always wish I had gotten to know them, to love on them, to raise them. I will never regret either happenings though.

Everything happens for a reason. With out the abortion or miscarriage I would not have the three most important people in my life.

DD#1 & CMB, You both will always be with me, watching over your brothers and sister. We will be with you again someday.


  1. I can honestly say I know exactly how you feel. Only with me it's now four. I know everything happens for a reason, but I miss my babies.

    ♥ SailorWifey

  2. Hi! I am visiting your blog from JustMommies! (I'm PoisonGrl21 -- the newbie in August-September 2005 Playroom)This was a touching story and I am glad that you shared it with us! I can't imagine what it must be like to lose a child, so I hurt for you for having to go through that. But I imagine it probably made you a stronger person as a result and you are right that everything happens for a reason! I am now following your blog as I look forward to reading more about your beautiful family! :)



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