Some days it is all I think about. Some weeks it never crosses my mind. My father and husband say it will always be like that. I have no desire to go back to that lifestyle. I have too much going for me. I have three wonderful children, one of which I would have to stop nourishing from my breast, if I were to go back to that lifestyle.
I saw the person who introduced me to my best frenemy. She was telling me how to beat the methadone program. Telling me how she still is able to shoot up, without giving a positive urine. How she never feels the withdrawals because she still has her methadone to keep her from the pain.
And then, for a moment, I thought about it. I get take home bottles Friday through Tuesday. If I skip my dose on Friday, use on Saturday, take my methadone as prescribed on Sunday/Monday/Tuesday, the heroin will definitely be out of my system by Wednesday when I have to go in to the program, letting me pass a random drug test. I thought how amazing it would be to feel that syringe enter my vein. How beautiful the sight of my blood entering the syringe would be. That, nothing in the world matters but this, feeling when the plunger is pushed. That euphoric sensation that takes over my entire being almost instantly. I even thought about how it would make this weight loss journey so much easier and faster.
Then my daughter started reaching for my breast. I nursed her, and thought, How would I feed my baby girl if I did that? I thought about how using once a week leads to twice a week, and so on and so forth and knew it would lead me right back to where I was 19 months ago. I never want to go back to that life. I never want to be that person again. I never want to rely on something just to get through the day again. I never want to be that desperate for a measly $15 again.
Some days fighting a heroin addiction is no big deal. Others its a struggle. I will get through those difficult days. I will ignore the temptation. I will stay clean.