The light at then end of the tunnel

Tom starts work tomorrow! In the union! It seems every time I get excited about this, he only works for a week and then is laid off again, so lets hope and pray that this is it and he is back to work for good!

Let's hope we can finally catch up.
Let's hope we can find an apartment within our budget.
Let's hope we can pay Thomas' 1st tuition in time.
Let's hope we can pay our electric bill before it is turned off.
Let's hope we can make our car payment before it is repo'd.
Let's hope we can afford Thomas' 4th birthday party.
Let's hope we can do all this before Bailey makes her entrance.

Let's hope this is it.
Let's hope this is the sun shining through, and not a train wreck waiting to happen, again.

Been a while huh?

Wow, I haven't blogged in ages! So much has happened!



I am in my 2nd trimester of my pregnancy-going great, check the details (and pictures) our at my other blog The Unexpected. Oh, if boy, baby is Samual Adam; if girl, Bailey Grace Elizabeth.

My parents moved out! We are officially on our own. Tom and I in our own room. Thomas in his own real bed. Collin in his crib, when he isn't climbing out. The boys are lucky enough to have a playroom, all to themselves! They love it! I my own computer back, though it is really slow and old, I have my photoshop back! We have the backyard all to ourselves, the boys love it!
-Oh and we also have a roommate! Vinny is my brothers friend of 7 or 8 years. And helps us out with the rent, which is great! He isn't ever home when I am so it works perfectly!

Work is going great! I love waitressing so much its weird. I love the tips, the attention, and all the flirting. Who knew being pregnant would turn on so many guys? In fact, one guy actually said to me, "Man I so wanna bite the shit out of your belly!" WTF?? Whatever... Hours will be getting cut soon as the leagues are all ending, but all is well.

The meth. program sucks.. I refuse to see the shrink there anymore, as he thinks I am crazy.. Apparently I am not stable enough to take home my methadone bottles, I may OD or poison my kids or something... Fuck him. Plus he wants to prescribe me meds that are catagory X for pregnancy... Fuck him again. I really wish I could detox. I really want to detox. I believe I am ready to detox. I can't detox. Detoxing means buh-bye baby. That would be bad!

My mind is really fucking me. I am having problems decifering fact from fiction, and reality from dreams as of late, and I need to find a new shrink to discuss this shit.. Thank god for free medical now.. I am having alot of manic-down mood swings lately and rapid crazy highs.. I know I need to find a med that I can safely take while pregnany and breastfeeding. I refuse to take a med I cannot breastfeed on, or that will harm my child.

Mostly though things really are going well. Heck I am even planning my very 1st weekend EVER out of CT!

Oh! Here are my latest photos and creation from photoshop!

Dare I post?

He is back at work! Tom finally went in today!
I am so so proud!

Tom is having alot of mental health problems, and I am just so proud he went in today..

yay! Maybe soon we can live normal!

Thats it, I quit.

Tom is back to work! Woot Wott!

Man I am so excited, yet so over tired..

soooo.. I QUIT!

I quit the gas station. I was only there a month, yes it was part time, yes it was more than minimum wage, but I don't care!

I QUIT

Counting Cals, Photography, Parenting, Sobriety, & The Work Force

Counting Cals
Eating healthy is going great! 3 days is longer than I have ever made it. I haven't eaten over 1,500 calories in three days, but am not hungry. Now to work on including breakfast everyday. It is a pain in the butt to watch calories though, but I like having something to focus on.

Sunday: 1,445
Monday: 1,245
Tuesday: 1,169

I will probably have another snack around 9:30..



Photography 101
I just joined a new message board, http://ilovephotography.com/forums/, I probably won't frequent it as much as I do the photo-board on Just Mommies, but I will hang around a bit.

I am still struggling in Manual on my camera.. for some reason I cannot get anything but very black photo's unless it is complete daylight.. whatever, I will figure it out something.

I applied for 3 different photography positions today, hopefully someone will call. All of them provide free training, so we will see.


Bed time Blues
I have never mentioned this before, but we really have a lot of trouble getting Thomas to sleep and were starting to have the same issues with Collin. Not only did I start my diet on Sunday, but I started a new bedtime routine for the boys. 7:45 Collin gets his last bottle. We brush his teeth. By now it is 8p.m. I put on his Baby Mozart DVD. I lay him down w/ his blankey, lion, puppy, and wormy. Give him his kiss and tell him I love him and walk out. He is completely out by 8:30, so then it is Thomas's turn. He brushes his teeth, goes potty one last time and then picks a movie. I put it on, tuck him in and give him a kiss and hug and we say our I love you's. The boys are adjusting well to this. I really hope it sticks!


Sobriety
Man does it suck... I watched intervention last night and was nearly drooling over a guy sticking a needle in his arm. How freaking sick? Today I was finally given a urine at the program.. but of course, I couldn't pee. I swear unless I am pregnant or peeing on a stick I cannot go. I can't.. This sucks, I cannot progress in the program unless they know I am clean, they won't know I am clean unless I give a urine. And.. I cannot give a urine..

Also, my counselor left Friday.. So I am without a counselor.. Also, I was supposed to meet the psychiatrist for the 1st time last week but he had an emergency. I cannot reschedule that appt. until I get a new counselor, so another week or so I have to wait. I really need to build a rapport with these people so I can learn to trust them and fully open up. I need to get a lot out, figure out a lot, and learn some things about myself. And get on some medication..

The Work Force
I quit Stop & Shop 3 weeks ago, started selling kirbys, quit that.. Now I am waiting for the post office to send me my practice tests and test date. Hopefully I can get in.. At least it pays well and has awesome benefits. I would have loved to have stuck w/ Kirby, I was sooo good at it! The hours sucked though, I was never home. 8:45a-9:30-10p is way too long of a day with two small children.

So Freaking Busy!

I just started a new job last Wednesday, and OMG am I exhausted! It is pretty much 8:45am-8:45pm, well sorta, basically a meeting at 8:45, then that is over at 10:30, then I have to head to my 1st appt at 11:30, that is usually over around 2:15, then I go to my 2nd appt at 3:30, that is over around 5:45, then to my last appt at 6:30 which is usually over at 8:45pm.. It is hard but it is awesome pay, and if I make any sales then I will see more money than I have ever seen in a paycheck before, lol! So if you are curious to know what this too good to be true job is, it is selling Kirby's, yes the vacuum, well it isn't a vacuum. It is a "home cleaning system." Basically I go where the boss tells me, (three homes per day) to do a "free carpet cleaning," then attempt to sell the product. I get a set pay for doing the 15 weekly appointments, plus bonuses for making sales, for showing up to the morning meeting, and there are always contests to keep us motivated. For example, for training, if we (the new hirers) set up 6+ appointments on our own for the previous weekend we were paid $10 per appointment, which is not much, but that is not counting all the other pays, all the other bonuses, or if we made any sales. So since I made a sale on Fri. I will be getting the $60 for the appts, and the $$ for the sale, plus my set pay for doing the 15 appts. on my first check. I love it, I just miss my kids..

Another Pay Day

I hate pay day.. I really do. After gas, cigarettes, diapers, and everything else we need.. I am broke. Again. I thought now that things are getting better, we would see a bit more cash at the end of the day, I thought my check would at least last more than an hour. Nope, still the same.. Whatever.