Five Question Friday

Questions courtesy of Mama M. @ My Little Life

1. If you could, would you go back to high school?
2. If a genie appeared and granted you two wishes, what would they be? (And, no saying "more wishes".)

3. What kids show do you secretly like?

4. What is your beverage of choice?

5. What is something that you would change about yourself (or are working to change in yourself)?

1. If I could go back to HS there I might go back for a lunch peroid, as long as it takes place in the spring time of my Sophomore year. Other than that no. I was a loner, only hung out w a few people. No one outside my circle of 2-4 friends no one talked to me.
2. Two wishes?
Very easy! I'd wish for a house, nothing extravagant, just a 4 br house w a fenced in backyard in a nice neighborhood, one where I can let the kids play in the backyard on their own or go for walks as a family w/o being worried about being shot at or run down.
The 2nd wish would be for a new minivan, one w a dvd player and duel sliding doors. my '93 hippy mobile just plain sucks. I can't put Bailey's seat in until I get Collin in and buckled. I have to climb in just to buckle Thomas and Collin. Collin can't get out until I take out Bailey... Total pain in the ass!
3. I like a few kid shows! I like Yo Gaba Gaba, Spongebob, Kai Lan, Caillou, Words World, Handy Mandy, Mickey Mouse Club House, etc. Oh, go ahead and laugh but Barney is still my number 1 fave! Ever since I was a little girl!

4. My normal beverage of choice is Poland Spring water, it has to be the 16.9 oz bottle. I know weird. Lately though it has been Starbucks Strawberry Banana Vivanno. At $4.19 a pop, and 1-3 per day, I am blowing through cash super fast!

5. If I could change something about myself... hmm..
Physically it would be my weight. I'd get to the gym more, eat a lot better, take the kids for walks more often, and get on the Wii more often!
Mentally, I'd like to do more for my kids. Spend more time on the floor playing with them, not get on them so much about acting up, or at least get on them in a more productive manner.


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Nana's watching over.

After blog-hoppin' I came across Mama Kat's blog: Mama's Losin' It! Today on her blog she had a writers workshop for other bloggers to join in. I decided, "Why not?"

I chose #4:

The world is going to come to an end unless you get a tattoo that covers your entire back. Describe the tattoo you’ll get.

Starting at the top left of my back, their would be a photo of my hero. My Nana with clouds surrounding her. The clouds would make way to the right, where there would be a large eye opening sun. the clouds would make way to the top of a forest, as you go lower and get through the leaves of the trees and down through the trunks, there will be a clearing, right in the middle. In the empty space with be portraits of my three children. This would all be done in natural colors. Blue/white skies, dark leafy green leaves. Nana's grey/white permed 'afro' looking as it did before she passed. This tattoo would mean that no matter what, no matter where my children are, my grandmother, my Nana will be watching over them.

Thinking about this and typing this out makes me miss her oh so much! It has been 2 years, 2 months and 18 days since I lost my best friend. It still feels like yesterday. It still tortures my soul that Collin and Bailey never had the chance to at least be held by her. At least I can remember she is watching over my children.

Want to join in on today's writers workshop? Click this button!

***I am a total blonde and didn't listen to directions, I used my blog url, instead of my post url like I was supposed to do. Doh'!***

Wordless Wednesday

Monday's Memory.

When I was just thirteen I was going through a pretty rebellious stage. I was shoplifting, skipping school, and running away from home and only interested in older boys. My parents had enough and sent me to move in with my Aunt. While living with my aunt I had slept in the living room on the couch. I remember one night, it was pretty late, probably the wee hours of the morning, I heard the door being unlocked. Then walked in the most attractive man I had ever seen. He whispered sorry to me and walked through the room, into my cousins. I laid on the couch hoping he would come out of the room to use the bathroom, or get something out of the kitchen, or to leave. Just so I could get another glimpse of him. Eventually I fell back to sleep.

When I awoke in the morning, I woke up to my cousin messing around on the computer and this guy sitting across the room staring at me, smiling. I laid there just looking back at him, half asleep. When I got up off the couch, I found out his name was Tom and I had known him when I was younger, he was my cousin's friend for years. Since he was there and I couldn't take my eyes off of him, I decided to skip school to hang out with my cousin and Tom. We went to the batting cages. Cousin went off to hit some baseballs, leaving Tom and me to play arcade games. I was so shy at first, barely making conversation. He kept smiling and talking. I kept blushing and smiling back. After we got back to my aunts, Tom left, and my cousin made fun of me for having a crush on a 20 year old. I couldn't help it. He talked to me as if I were an adult all day. He was kind, smart, funny, and of course I thought he was hot.

I kept skipping school to spend time with them, and I kept fantasizing about being with him. On a date, holding hands, kissing. I kept imagining him pulling me aside to tell me he liked me too.

A couple weeks later my aunt and cousin were working the night shifts and it was just myself, my aunts husband, his niece, and of course Tom. My aunts husband (total jerk and perv) thought it would be a great idea to get some booze. His niece and I were psyched. We were 13 and 14 years old and were going to party! I decided to walk the dogs since my aunt husband was too drunk to do it and I was the most sober. Tom came with me. We walked to the end of the block and back just chatting about why I was living there. He told me he was "glad I moved in."
When we got back to the house I stopped him on the front porch and quickly kissed him. He backed away, told me he really liked me but I was just a kid. I felt like an idiot. We went in and I ignored him for a few hours. My aunts husband and his niece went to bed and Tom came over and sat next to me. He told me he was attracted to me, told me I was really cool, and other sweet comments. He continued by saying we could be friends.

Fast forward another week or, I stayed home from school, again, and he came over, not expecting me to be there. We were alone. I made another move. At first he stopped me again. I said I was sorry and moved to the other end of the couch. He came over to me, put his hand by my neck and lifted my chin. He then kissed me. It was the most amazing moment of my life.
We started sneaking around to be alone together. We couldn't tell anyone know one would understand. I bet many people reading this don't understand. Heck I still don't understand!

We used to meet up in the middle of the night down the street from the house, in the woods. We had a tent set up, that we spent an hour or two a night in sometimes just talking, sometimes more. This went on for a few months, until I got caught. They knew I had been seeing him. My cousins were going to kick his ass, my aunt was going to press charges, and I was petrified of losing him and of him going to prison.

He did end up going to prison, but for other charges. My aunt never ended up pressing charges. Tom was locked up for 10 long months. I moved back home to my parents. We stayed in contact, with him mailing me at a friends house so my parents wouldn't know. Then I stopped writing him. He called my house worried about me, my mom answered. According to my mother, he told her he was worried about me. Told her how much he loved and cared for me. Told my mother, he wanted to marry her 14 year old daughter. She, for some unknown reason, gave us a chance. Letters then started coming to my house, which we hid from my father. I had gone back to my old ways of running away and messing around (not sleeping with) random guys.

May 18th, 2001 he was released. I couldn't wait to see him. My mom knew how much I wanted to see him so she asked him to get her cigarettes and said I could go with him if we didn't take too long. When he pulled up to the house. I knew it. I was in love. I ran up to him and wrapped my arms around his neck, I never wanted to let go. We went to the store, sat in the car for almost an hour just talking and kissing. It felt so good to be back with my man. He told me that night he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He told me I had changed him. I had made him want to grow up. I had made him want to do more with his life. Before he went to prison he was a heroin addict. Because of me he wanted to stay clean.

Obviously things worked out for us. We both feel if we could do it again, we wouldn't though because of our ages at the time. Tom still feels extreme guilt for being with me at such a young age. We are still so happy together. We still feel the same way as we did 10 years ago.

We both are loving spending our lives together.

More than enough.

Five to six (sometimes 7) days a week my husband goes to work. When he comes home he runs whatever errands need to be done. Then cooks dinner and gives the boys baths. On Sunday's he takes our massive amount of laundry to the laundromat and gets that done. He also changes diapers, plays with the kids, holds Bailey when she is fussing and I need a break. He is the one that scoops and cleans the litter box. He does all the car care and even helps do the weekly cleaning on the weekends.
Sounds like a lot right?
Why is it not enough for me? Why am I always hounding him to do more?

Today, he got up at 9, left for work at 10, came home at 2:30, played with the kids, ate something, packed up the laundry and left to do it and grocery shop. Then he went downstairs to the neighbors to paint. He didn't get in the house until almost 7:30.

I was furious! How dare he leave a pile of clean clothes and linens on the couch for me to fold by myself? After being together for 10+ years he should know I despise laundry, especially the folding. Especially re-making the beds. Especially putting it all away.

I was also upset because dinner wasn't cooking yet. Yes, I could have and probably should have, cooked dinner myself, but he is a better cook and well, I hate cooking. Almost as much as I hate folding laundry.
The main reason I was just so upset about his busy day is because it was yet another day we didn't do anything as a family besides eat dinner.

We usually do family things at least twice a week, if not more. Usually something during the week we do something together, and then again on the weekend. And this was the perfect week for family outings! All week long it was gorgeous out! Perfect park weather. But he worked until 6-7 every night this past week. He promised we'd do something on the weekend. I couldn't wait! There was a kids fair going on a few minutes away and it was completely free. I could not wait to take the boys for the arts and crafts, story time, and music. Plus Gil Simmons from New Channel 8 was going to be there to teach the children about weather. Friday night he informed me he'd be working Saturday and we'd go to the Daffodil Festival on Sunday instead. Based on what you have read, you know that didn't happen either.
Needless to say I am a tad bit bitchy tonight. And a nagging bitch at that. Tom, clean up the dinner mess. Tom, clean up your dinner mess. Tom, change Collins diaper while I clean up the dinner mess. Tom, start the dishwasher. Tom, get that paint pan out of the sink. Tom, empty the trash can, it's overflowing again.

I ask for way too much. I totally don't do enough. I would never make it as a single mother, or married to any other man. I am so very fortunate that he loves me for me and is okay with me not doing all the typical housewife duties.
I love this man.

Continuing the fight.

Some days it is all I think about. Some weeks it never crosses my mind. My father and husband say it will always be like that. I have no desire to go back to that lifestyle. I have too much going for me. I have three wonderful children, one of which I would have to stop nourishing from my breast, if I were to go back to that lifestyle.

I saw the person who introduced me to my best frenemy. She was telling me how to beat the methadone program. Telling me how she still is able to shoot up, without giving a positive urine. How she never feels the withdrawals because she still has her methadone to keep her from the pain.

And then, for a moment, I thought about it. I get take home bottles Friday through Tuesday. If I skip my dose on Friday, use on Saturday, take my methadone as prescribed on Sunday/Monday/Tuesday, the heroin will definitely be out of my system by Wednesday when I have to go in to the program, letting me pass a random drug test. I thought how amazing it would be to feel that syringe enter my vein. How beautiful the sight of my blood entering the syringe would be. That, nothing in the world matters but this, feeling when the plunger is pushed. That euphoric sensation that takes over my entire being almost instantly. I even thought about how it would make this weight loss journey so much easier and faster.

Then my daughter started reaching for my breast. I nursed her, and thought, How would I feed my baby girl if I did that? I thought about how using once a week leads to twice a week, and so on and so forth and knew it would lead me right back to where I was 19 months ago. I never want to go back to that life. I never want to be that person again. I never want to rely on something just to get through the day again. I never want to be that desperate for a measly $15 again.

Some days fighting a heroin addiction is no big deal. Others its a struggle. I will get through those difficult days. I will ignore the temptation. I will stay clean.

Five Question Friday

I was reading other blogs and came across "Five Question Friday @ "My Little Life" and decided why not?

1. What was the first car you owned?

2. What song are you embarrassed to know the lyrics to?

3. Have you ever had stitches?

4. What was your first job?

5. Who is your favorite Sesame Street character?

1. The first car I owned was a '93 Chevy Lumina, it was white. I loved that car. Considering its age and that it only cost my father $500 it was perfect. Until my husband, boyfriend at the time, drove it over an island in the middle of a parking lot. Ruined the power steering and other things. Lesson learned: Do not let boyfriends drive your car!

2. I am embarrassed to admit I know the lyrics to every song on the Backstreet Boys 1st album. What can I say, I was 12 and in love.

3. I have had stitches 4 times.
When I was 3, I was rollerskating, on one skate, on hardwood floors in my living room. I tried to jump a step leading into the kitchen and split my chin open.
Lesson learned: Do not skate on hardwood floors.
The 2nd time was when my Mom decided to smack me upside the head for something I did, the force of the smack made my head hit the wall in front of me. Stitches in my eyebrow, still have a nice scar from that one!
And the last two don't have stories. My 1st born and 3rd born children's child births.

4. My 1st job was at A & P Super Foodmart. I was a lovely bagger and cart pusher. Yea, that job didn't even last a month. A girl should not be pushing carts. And I don't care if that is sexist.

5. My favorite character has always been cookie monster, C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me! Yum Yum Yum! When I was a toddler I loved cookies and still do. Plus his voice is just sooo much cooler than Elmo's!


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