Fantasy of Lights @ Lighthouse point park

Every year Tom and I go to the F.O.L. This year Thomas was so involved and loved every single moment!

Wow! I can see again!

I lost/broke/lost my glasses when Thomas was about 1, or closer to when he was 15 mos. That was Dec. 06. Since then pretty much everything has been a blur. Yea I haven't gotten them fixed, or gotten new glasses since.. Until the state was willing to completely pay for them that is :D

Here I am in my brand new glasses, I love lookin' like a book lovin' geek :D Yay me!
Oh, and ya gotta love Collin's cute wittle face in this shot

The things he says.

In the car we have been listening to a lot of kids music, all Thomas's CDs.

Today, Thomas starts acting up in the car.

I say, "If you don't stop what you're doing I am going to turn ABC's off!"

He replies, "My gonna turn you off!"

He does it again.

My husband, despite the fights and the bad words said, he is always right there.
He always talks me down, when I am at my worst.
I can only see darkness, and he is my light.
It never fails, with him, it always ends up alright.

I will go on, today and tomorrow.
I have to. I don't have a choice.

It also doesn't help, I am nothing but words.

no actions, just words.

Fuck.

No birthday for Collin,
No christmas for my boys.
No work for my husband.
No happiness, no joy.

No where to go soon.
Not a place for me to live.
No reason to go on.
Why on earth should I continue to give?

Why do I care?
About everyone around me?
I put everyone 1st..
Yet, no one can see.

They think I blame all.
Anyone but myself.
They think I have no sense of anything
for anyone but myself.

They see me as a baby.
As one who could care less.
About anyone, anywhere,
About anyone but myself.

I do care.
I put everyone 1st.
If someone needed it,
Fuck, I would just rip off my shirt!

I cry, I grimace,
I run and I hide.
I just fucking let
my emotions hang on the outside.

I let people know how I feel.
I don't try to hide.
Its is everyone else
that cannot simply find.

They can't find their way.
Everyone comes to me.
Fuck them, I can't handle their shit!
Why can't they see?

Why can't they see,
that I just don't function right...
How can I take care of anyone,
when I don't even see the light?

I try my best to be
everyone's number 1.
I cannot do that anymore.
Don't they see I am done?

I am done putting everyone 1st
I need 1st to be my family.
I am done helping everyone.
I need to help me!

I don't want to live.
I don't want to care.
I don't want to be.
I don't want to share.

I am done sharing my hand,
when I get nothing in return.
No one can offer me hope.
Everyone just leaves me to burn.

Fuck everyone,
anyone I know.
I may not have
anywhere to go.

But I do have the fact that I try.
I always try.
But I am always left,
just left to just die.

I am not the selfish one
It is those around me.
Those that are just
to fucking selfish to see.

To see how they really are.
How they always blame me.
To see how they really act
How they hold that fucking key.

The key that controls
Everyway I am.
Controls how I feel.
How I am nothing but a lamb.

I cannot even call
myself a fucking sheep.
I am not big enough..
I am just a fucking creep..

I am nothing
I always have been..
I am nothing
I will always be.

Fuck you,
for I am fucked.
No where to go,
No one to want me,
No one to care,
No one even fucking really knows me
to even understand,
let alone,
offer a helping hand.
Fuck Everyone.

Conversation between Tom and I

"Why aren't you trying to find work hun?"

"No ones hiring yet.."

"What about Mcdonalds or some crap like that? Ya know, it is something.."

"I make $XXX.XX on unemployment, do you really want me working part time for minimum wage?"

"No.. that would suck even more than you not working.."

"Then why do you keep bringing up me not having a job?"

"Because we cannot live the way we are much longer, Tom, I am not going to make it through this much longer!"

"Sweetie, we don't have a choice, this is the bed we made, we have to lay in it now."

"Our kids should not be living in this situation. They should not be sleeping in the same room as us. Thomas should be sleeping in a real bed! You and I should both be working. You and I are supposed to be raising the boys. Not us and my parents! We cannot live here much longer we need a place to live, Tom. Our boys need a place to live, not next year, not next week, but now! We need to get out and be on our own again!"

"I know, but we cannot be on our own until I can find work. I won't find work until I can make more than I get in unemployment, I can't do that until my union is hiring again and I pay off my dues."

"How can you pay off your dues if we cannot even afford to live on our own? Or Collin's birthday? Or Christmas? Or much of anything?"

"Nicole, this is not forever. We are going to get through this. We always get through everything."

"Yea.. Right.. I should just fuckin' end my life! Then I at least would not have to worry about where our kids next fucking meal comes from. Then I wouldn't have to worry about the fact that you all have a place to go but me.
Fuck it, I might as well just leave. I might as well be dead. Everyone would be better off, at least my negativity would be out of the way."

"Nicole? Stop talking like that! You shouldn't be talking like that. You know we need you. You know we love you. Stop talking about killing yourself. If there is anything that we don't need its that!"

"Well, Tom, this is me, this is who I am. I want to kill myself. No one really cares anyway, not you. Not my parents or yours. Hell the only people who even convince me they do really care I don't even fucking know. Fuck you. I am leaving. After I type out our convo on my blog I am leaving!"

"Yeah.. And where are you even going to go? You don't even have a car to get you anywhere!"

"Exactly. I am going to walk until I can't anymore, then end it. I am going to fucking end it all! I cannot feel this way anymore. I am sick of freaking out about life. I am done. I know my boys, and you, the loves of my life will be okay. I know I won't be. So I am going to leave, do something that I know will end my life. Then the cops will call after a few days, and ask you or my parents to identify my body. Then a bunch of no good assholes I can't even remember will come to my wake and funeral. Then I will just be a distant memory.
And the great part. The only good thing about everything about me is, is that the boys are so young they won't even remember what a douchebag, what a worthless piece of shit I really am! Isn't that awesome? They are so young they won't even need to know! Just tell them I love them, over and over, and will be with them when they pass on, when they are old and grey.

"Nicole, stop! You are not making any sense!"

"Yes hun, I am. I am not needed life sucks to much to be fixed for me. I love you and the boys so much that I know what is best for you three. And I am not it.

I reach in for a kiss, go and kiss the boys. Begin walking out the door.

"Nicole, stop what the fuck are you doing?"

"I told you I am done. You will get a call in a few days to i.d. my body. I love you."

I go into my brothers room, hop on his computer, type out this last conversation. Press "Publish Post" and leave.

Peace Yo'
Nicole Ann Lalla Montgomery

Mars and Venus

Last night, we took the boys to McD's and saw a great sight!
Its was what we thought was the moon and two really bright stars,
when we got home we learned the bright stars were Mars and Venus!