She is me.

For some time now, almost one year, someone has been missing. I keep on searching for her, but she is no where to be found.

This person had everything. Love, intelligence, goals. A wonderful husband, a beautiful boy, and another son on the way. Though she did not see it then. her life was pretty much perfect, in almost every single way.
She had family, a roof over head. All the bills were paid, a great life she led.

Though she did not see it then, until it was too late. Then she ran away again. Like she had done many times in the past. Only now she was older, wiser, she had brains on her side.
Instead of disapeering, physically & actually running further away, she stayed this time. And just ran away from her mind.

No one knows she is even missing. They all believe she is me. No one knows I am holding her place right now. At least until she can be.

Until she can come back again, and lead a normal life. Until she can manage on her own again. Until she is no longer a threat to herself.
Until then I will be here, saving her place.
Until she is ready again to live her life once more.

Miss you Nana.

One year ago today was the last time Nana was happy, healthy, and not in the hospital, the last time she was celebrating. Her last Christmas. The last time she was out, not at her own home.

One year ago, we were all celebrating. We were all happy, healthy, and Nana had a good enough buzz for the whole house.

Nana was, and always was the life and heart of any event, of any single day, any moment.

Just a few moments ago my father brought out my mothers gift from Tom, my children, and I, to show my dear Aunts Alice and Agnes.

Inside was a photo of Nana. We all started crying. This morning when my mom first opened it we all started crying.

This somehow managed to be the best Christmas, gift wise, food wise, everything. Only two things wrong. Alice not doing the cooking and not being here between 9-11am, and... Nana...

Man.. I miss her so much.. I haven't even been to her grave sight since Mothers day. I need to go.

I need her.

Nana, you are the heart and joy of the family.

You are the old lady with the dirty mind who made any shy person comfortable.
You were the light in all your grand children's eyes, even when we got into trouble.
We will miss you forever.
And you are always here, in our hearts.
With Love, Nicole

My Amazing Husband

Tom gave me my Christmas gift tonight, in front of my parents, his, my brother, sister and her fiance.

I have been asking for a bracelet, with my kids birthstones since last Christmas. A week or two ago Tom told me he didn't get me it, again, but wanted to get me something "nicer" than I described. All I wanted was plastic beads in the right colors for my kids stones, on a plastic/wire bracelet thingy from an arts an crafts store, I just wanted him to throw one together..
This is why, I am terrible w/ jewelery and break everything, or never wear it because of lack of dressy occasion..
I bitched, I moaned, told him I was going to hate whatever bracelet he got me, told him I was going to throw it back in his face.. I was a rotton bitch. I deserved to have been bitch slapped right then and there.
He explained how much this bracelet meant, cost, and how important it was that he did this his way. He explained how I wasn't going to hate it, how I wasn't going to throw it into his face, how infact I was going to love it.

This is my new bracelet, that I cried while reading, and am still tearing up over:







Each of the 5 ovals say:

Nicole A. Montgomery
Jan. 23, 1987

Thomas H. Montgomery, Sr
June 6, 1979

Thomas H Montgomery, Jr
Sept. 6, 2005

Collin P. Montgomery
Jan. 17, 2008

Collin Bailey
Oct. 3, 2006
Forever In Our Hearts

When I saw the baby we miscarried included on my "family" bracelet.. that was it, black eyeliner was all over my face, lets just say it is a very good thing my battery died on my camera right after I first first first saw my beautiful gift.


I will be forever greatful for this, I probably will not take it off until it is lost or broken..
(I mentioned I am terrible w/ jewelery..)

More than a Moment.

Man, why? Why oh fucking why?

I just read some awesomely wonderful amazing news. I will finally get to meet one of my bestest friends in the whole damn world. I think I deserve a fucking moment of fucking happiness?

Anyone else?

Or does everyone on the god damn planet want me to be miserable every fucking moment of every fucking day?



Man.. I love my parents to death, they are doing so much for me and my family, but do they need to make me feel even more disgusted with myself than I already am?

Do they need to remind me every fucking day that with out them, I wouldn't fucking exist and my children wouldn't have a fucking roof over their heads?
Do they need to remind me every fucking day that with out them, I would be completely fucked?
Do they need to rub in all they have to do is tell me to get out and I will be fucked?!
Does she need to tell me EVERYFUCKING HOUR OF EVERYFUCKING DAY that I need to save up and get an apartment?

Man..

Gingerbread Train

Forever Tom and I have discussed building a Gingerbread house with our children. This is the first year Thomas is old enough to participate. We haven't done the house yet. We did our train this afternoon. Yes! We found a gingerbread train, how neat is that? We also saw a gingerbread tree, but didn't have the cash to grab it.

It was tough doing a craft project while living with my parents since they don't believe in any noise during the afternoon, since they snooze all day on the weekends on the couch/chair. Tom was shushing Thomas every three and a half seconds, not letting me put in any input. Thomas and I weren't able to help build it at all... Even most of the decorating he did.. It is so hard when Daddy/Tom is such a "perfectionist" when it comes to these kinds of things, which puts a damper on Thomas's creativity.. Basically Thomas and I put the candy/icing where we were told, and whispered the whole time. With all my bitching and moaning, we had fun. I love when the four of us our together, doing something, anything together..

Woman again!

April 24th 2007 period shows.
May 6th 2007 find out we are expecting.
June ?th 2007 day of spotting after sex.
January 17th 2008 Collin Paul is born
January 17th-February 1st 2008 post pardum bleeding.
June 30th 2008 1st post pardum period.
July, August, September, October & November 2008, no period
July & August sex 3 times.
September 4th 2008 home pregnancy test negative.
September & October 2008 no sex.
November 5th & 13th, sex, pulls out.
December 15th 2008 period shows up.
I am woman again!

Santa