Friday, November 21, 2008

Whats worse?

Yesterday we were given some bad news. My parents house they are renting is in foreclosure. The landlords are telling us it is not, but we were served the papers. The marshell had no clue there were tenants in the home. If it were the landlord, they would have until Nov. 25th to get out. It is a bit different for tenants, not much but a bit different. The marshell will come again on or a few days after the 25th to tell us our options. He said basically that they will give us our "get out" date. This really sucks. If Tom and I both start working today, we still will not be able to get our own place within 90 days. We have to fix our credit before either of us will be able to rent an apartment. Our credit is just that bad.. My father told us when they have to find a place they are looking for a 4 rm rent, which means we can't come. Which means, Tom and the kids will go move to my IL's but I have absolutely no where to go. No Where... I am really freaked out. I don't know what to do. I spoke with the state this morning, and they will help me find a shelter, but I am not bad off enough where they can help me with housing. WTF? I explained that My kids and I need a home. Need a place to stay. I didn't tell the lady that the kids can go to my IL's I made us sound worse off.. Apparently not too bad though since all they can do for us is a shelter. I am so scared. Last night I was in such a bad state of mind all I was thinking about when suicide again. I don't know what to do. I want another kid? How dare I even think about getting off the methodone and getting my body back to normal and getting pregnant if I don't even have a place to live?!

I have 65 days clean today. Which I am very proud of. I am on new meds. I am seeing a new shrink and counselor and going to groups for women addicts, mother and child, and relapse prevention. Tom is in the same boat as me, he has 38 days clean.. He just go his methodone dose to the right amount for him to be "functioning" So he just started working his butt off to find some work. He is actually doing some side jobs this weekend. But the union he is in still has no work.

I thought things were getting better. I thought things couldnt get any worse. I honestly do not no what to do. Tomorrow morning when I go to get my med I am going to ask to speak to someone. I need to talk to a professional. I am just not in a healthy state of mind. I mean I am when it comes to posting to other topics online. But not when I am just sitting or doing something around the house.. Its like I need to stay online or play with the boys just to keep my mind for fucking with me.

I thought things were getting much better.

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