Goals.

Screw Everyone who believes my life will fail.
I don't need anything negative in my life.
I can better my life
-all aspects of it.

January is coming quick. January usually means new years resolutions that no one keeps.
I have quite a few I have been contemplating for this year. I will stick through mine until they come true.

My goals for 2009.
1. Get down to a size 6/7, or 130 lbs.
2. Move into a 2-3 bedroom apartment or house, that I can see my family staying in for years to come. A place for us to live until we are ready to purchase our 1st home.
3. Pay off all debts.
4. Stay drug-free.
5. Teach my oldest son the preschool basics.
6. Get my menstrual cycle back to normal.
-and lastly, and only if the above 6 come true:
7. Start TTC#3!

Who's to blame?

Did I come off as placing the blame?
You are not to blame.
I am to blame.
What can I say...
I made a terrible choice.
I knew from the start,
not to let you in.
I knew from the start,
what would be.

I made my bed.
Now I have to lay in it.

Dear Sarah,

I hope this letter finds you in the worst of health,
in a worse off place than I find myself.

In recent months I have wanted to thank you.
Thank you for telling me you would always be my friend.
Telling me you would always be there.
Telling me you would never let me try it.
Telling me you would always care.

Thank you for lending a helping hand.
That helping hand helped so much.
Helped us get hooked, lose our home.
Don't worry hun, I kept it all hushed.

Thank you for sending me spiraling down,
so low that I don't see any way up.
Thank you for all the lies.
For making me trust.

Only a friend as kind as you
can come in and out of my life.
And each time I let you in again
you push deeper that knife.

You were my truest friend
Time and time again.
Each and every time
My heart is harder to mend.

This time was the hardest
The hardest to bare.
How can I get through this now?
When you don't even care?

You have hurt me so many times.
Each time gets worse and worse.
What you wanted, you took,
Now I glance back, I take one last look.
I truly hope you die my friend.
Because it is my life you have cursed.
-with love, Nicole.

Whats worse?

Yesterday we were given some bad news. My parents house they are renting is in foreclosure. The landlords are telling us it is not, but we were served the papers. The marshell had no clue there were tenants in the home. If it were the landlord, they would have until Nov. 25th to get out. It is a bit different for tenants, not much but a bit different. The marshell will come again on or a few days after the 25th to tell us our options. He said basically that they will give us our "get out" date. This really sucks. If Tom and I both start working today, we still will not be able to get our own place within 90 days. We have to fix our credit before either of us will be able to rent an apartment. Our credit is just that bad.. My father told us when they have to find a place they are looking for a 4 rm rent, which means we can't come. Which means, Tom and the kids will go move to my IL's but I have absolutely no where to go. No Where... I am really freaked out. I don't know what to do. I spoke with the state this morning, and they will help me find a shelter, but I am not bad off enough where they can help me with housing. WTF? I explained that My kids and I need a home. Need a place to stay. I didn't tell the lady that the kids can go to my IL's I made us sound worse off.. Apparently not too bad though since all they can do for us is a shelter. I am so scared. Last night I was in such a bad state of mind all I was thinking about when suicide again. I don't know what to do. I want another kid? How dare I even think about getting off the methodone and getting my body back to normal and getting pregnant if I don't even have a place to live?!

I have 65 days clean today. Which I am very proud of. I am on new meds. I am seeing a new shrink and counselor and going to groups for women addicts, mother and child, and relapse prevention. Tom is in the same boat as me, he has 38 days clean.. He just go his methodone dose to the right amount for him to be "functioning" So he just started working his butt off to find some work. He is actually doing some side jobs this weekend. But the union he is in still has no work.

I thought things were getting better. I thought things couldnt get any worse. I honestly do not no what to do. Tomorrow morning when I go to get my med I am going to ask to speak to someone. I need to talk to a professional. I am just not in a healthy state of mind. I mean I am when it comes to posting to other topics online. But not when I am just sitting or doing something around the house.. Its like I need to stay online or play with the boys just to keep my mind for fucking with me.

I thought things were getting much better.

Suicidal Tendencies.

No where to go,
No where to turn.
Seroquel staring at me,
Should I give it a whirl?
Will the sixty I have do it?
Should I add the twenty neurontin too?
Add a few zoloft and celexa.
Will it do?

Is Suicide a Choice?
"No. Choice implies that a suicidal person can reasonably look at alternatives and select among them. If they could rationally choose, it would not be suicide. Suicide happens when all other alternatives are exhausted -- when no other choices are seen."
- Adina Wrobleski Suicide: Why? (1995)

Motrin Offends Moms w/ this one

Motrin comes out with this ad for baby-wearing moms:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BmykFKjNpdY

Pulls it after offending a billion moms:
http://motrin.com/

And my new favorite mom makes a comeback:
http://motherhooduncensored.typepad.com/motherhood_uncensored/2008/11/if-you-cant-joi.html

First Birthday Party Drama

Okay Mcd's is out. We are talking $500 or more :(
So we will rent the same hall my wedding was in. So we need..
Invitations
Decorations
Food-plates, cups, silverware, napkins
Cake-knife, plates
Games-pin the tail, clown, pinata

Guess now I need a theme...