Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The Blame Game

We all place blame. It's not our fault we are late. It's not our fault the house is dirty. It's not our fault the kids are misbehaving. Etc, etc, etc.

Last week when at the monthly group I have to attend to keep my bottle privileges, the topic was Responsibility. One thing covered was taking responsibility for our addictions. I learned I am not the only one still holding a grudge, but not everyone else is letting it consume them.

While I am completely aware it was my choice to let someone stick a needle in my arm, I still can't help but place blame. I don't blame her for being willing to do so when I asked. I blame her for entering my life again. I blame him for bringing her back into our lives.

See, Tom was using Heroin when we 1st began dating. He became clean 4 month into our relationship due to a prison sentence. When he was released he stayed clean. For 8 years. In that 8 years friendships ended harshly with old friends. One of those old friends had turned to Heroin. After things disintegrated it took a while for the hubs and I to get over the problems it caused for our then brand new marriage. It hurt when he let her back into our lives. I asked him to choose and he wouldn't stating that she needed us at the time. This was right at the time my grandmother had her 1st heart attack and was hospitalized. Right at the time I had just had Collin. I tried so hard to make the best of her being back in our lives. I am very good at pretending to be a friend to someone I hate. I don't like people to think I don't like them. Whoever it is. Plus I give way too many chances. After my lovely suicide attempt her and the hubs had me committed. During this whole few months she had been using and I had been so afraid of the hubs slipping back to his old ways. Needless to say I was miserable during my week in the nut house. Saying and doing whatever I had to, to get out. Every time I called home she was there. Helping take care of my children. I missed my son's. I missed my husband. And I was worried beyond belief that he was choosing this woman, who had hurt me so deeply before, over me. While I was in there we had received our tax return. I didn't learn this until money months later. They blew through the whole thing. Between me not being mentally stable, her having access to dope, and the hubs having all this extra cash on hand, despite us needing it as he was laid off, he went on a week long run. All while his wife was "trapped" in a psychiatric ward.

When I got out, something seemed off about him. Three days after I was released, I went to a court hearing with her. After court she went to "pick up". I offered to go with her. Something I refused to do before hand. When she pulled into a commuter parking lot and prepped everything I more stated it than asked, "He's using; isn't he?"

Then I started asking questions. What is the difference between smoking, snorting, and shooting up? Other than the needle, does the Heroin burn? She answered me but questioned why I was asking. Then I asked her if she'd share. She did. The moment she began to push that plunger was intense. It was only a small amount but I felt it go right up my left arm and distribute through out my body. As soon as I felt it reach my lower legs I barfed. Outside of having my children it was the best feeling I had ever felt. It was intense. And it started a downward spiral. Soon, my once every couple of days use, became a couple of times a day. Within a couple of weeks I could not go to work without it. As soon as I came home I needed it. I had such a love hate relationship with Heroin, her, and my husband for just over a month.

For a very long time I told everyone I started using before the hubs picked it up again. Very few people knew the truth. Until now. I am sick of holding secrets.

We had already lost our apartment and were just waiting for everything to become official before hand. The day we were moving into my parents home, my father called asking point blank if we were using. We denied it, asked him how he could believe a lying junkie over us? He claims he knew, but the day I came out and told him I needed help he was stunned. I hated her so much for snitching on us. How can she? Now I look back and that is something I am thankful for.

Yet, at the exact same time, how can I be thankful for her spilling the beans when it never would have happened in the first place had she not be in our lives? Had it not been for the hubs bringing her back into my home, he would never had used. Had I not been already in the deepest depression I had ever felt when he and she were using right under my nose, I would not have tried it. Had it not been for them, I would not be stuck on Methadone.

Hubs and I will start arguments over something like a fork being in the sink right after I start the dishwasher, and they always lead to our pasts. Neither of us can get over it. I can't get over him letting himself be around an addict. He can't get over not putting his family first. While I know he is remorseful, and she has apologized and we have all moved on for the most part, I still can't get it out of my head. I still can't stop playing this stupid blame game. I still blame both, her more so, for my addiction. I still have trouble taking complete responsibility for my use. I still feel ill when I see the photographs taken during that period. I still blame her for taking 6 months of my 2nd born's first year from me. Yes, I was there, but I wasn't. Had they not brought that stuff into my home, I wouldn't have nodded through an entire 6 months. I still continue to place the blame.

I do take responsibility for each and every bag I had shot up. I do not take responsibility for having the opportunity. I do not take the responsibility for feeling so alone that I thought it was the only way to have people by my side. I do not take responsibility for missing out on 6 months of my son's 1st year. I do not take responsibility for it nearly ending my marriage. I do not want to. I'm not ready yet.

I've read and been told numerous ways to get over this. Yet, all of them have the same consensus. One must want change to make change. "Change your train of thought" "Think about something else" "Meditate" "Take yourself away from the situation" etc etc etc. How can I do that when every single little disagreement the hubs and I have lead to the same argument of me blaming them? How can I do that, when I want to yell, "it's not all my fault!" to the entire world? How can I do that when I am still pointing fingers at both of them? How can I finally move on?

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