The Unexpected: Into my life again?

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Into my life again?

I found something last night. Something I was sure to be completely out of my life.
Supposedly it was still there from before. Some things were missed when we cleaned up our lives.
Supposedly.

How do I know what to believe?
Do I believe they are from the past and trust my husband?
Do I believe they are new, something is being hidden from me, and not trust my husband?

He tells me I am retarded for not believing they are from the past.
He tells me I am stupid for not believing he just didn't throw them out.
He tells me I am an idiot for believing he is returning to that low again.

Yet, I cannot figure if I am upset for finding something?
Am I upset for not finding more?
Am I upset for not having the choice of being able to do anything if he were?
Am I upset because if he is the jealousy I already feel not knowing is already taking control of me?

I thought it was over, the cravings, the need, the want. I thought I was passed all that.
I thought I was the type to get over it, and be done with it.
Not one to struggle for a lifetime because of it.
Yet, here I sit, wondering where he is, wanting to feel this evil again.
I do still crave it.
I do still need it.
I do still want it.
I am not passed all of this.

1 comment:

BRIJune 1, 2009 at 8:38 PM
(((HUGS)))
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I am Nicole. I am a 24 year old SAHM to three wonderful children, Thomas, Collin, & Bailey. I am very happily married to the love of my life, Tom. Tom is 7.5 years older than me, but some how we were meant to be. We started dating sometime between March and May of 2000 and were married on May 7th, 2005. We are both recovering heroin addicts. I am attempting and struggling to lose weight. I wish it were baby weight but it's not. It doesn't help I have a terrible addiction to smoothies, ice cream, and Reese's.

This is my oldest son Thomas. He is 5. He started kindergarten this year. If he isn't in school, he is wanting to play video games. And if he isn't playing video games, it's because I got on his case. He loves learning. He loves imaginative play. And he still loves his mommy. And still gives kisses and hugs in public. Our only problem is his constant whining. And I mean constant. Speaking of, if anyone has any ideas to stop the whining, I'd be very grateful. Ignoring the whining is just not working.

My once silent little 2 year old. Though he is in speech therapy, and not everyone can understand him, he is the sweetest little boy. Until you tick him off. He has quite the little temper. He is a very independent little boy, usually found playing by himself. Every thing needs to be on his terms or you will get an earful. Even with his temper and his need for everything to be his way, he will stop whatever he is doing if someone is crying, hurt, or sad. He will come and offer kisses, hugs, smiles, and laughter.

My one year old baby girl. This girl is the funniest to those she is comfortable and seems like such high maintenance to those she doesn't see as often. Almost anything can get her lip to quiver and tears to fall. Even being as sensitive as she is, she loves to giggle and play. She is always stealing phones to say "'lo" and "buh" or the remote to switch channels anytime someone is paying more attention to the television than her. There are so many little things about her I love, but she hasn't quite found her place yet. My favorite time of day with her is right before nap time and when she does wake during the night to nurse. There is something about still breastfeeding her that makes me still feel she is an infant, instead of a toddling child.