Friday, May 29, 2009

Unwanted, but not unloved.

It is so strange how whether a pregnancy is planned, unplanned, or even if it is totally unwanted, you still fall completely in love with this little being growing at some point.

Really it is quite ironic that when I first found out there was a possibility I was pregnant, I cried in disbelief, and in anger with myself.

How could I let myself get pregnant, especially under such rotten circumstances.
What kind of mother am I to let myself carry a child while I am on a methadone program?
What kind of mother am I to let myself carry a child under such an emotionally, financially, physically stressful time in my life?
Really what was I thinking to not use protection especially while I had an 11 month old (at the time), 3 year old, all living in one room in my parents house. All while the husband is still laid off. All while struggling with depression, bipolar disorder, a few different personality disorders, and a drug addiction. All while living off of my father's paycheck.
What kind of mother am I to bring another child into this world, when I can barely take care of myself, let alone myself, my husband and the two children I already have?

As the weeks have gone by, things have changed. Yes my family is still struggling with most of the same stresses, but my thoughts have changed. It is quite ironic, that the 1st pregnancy, of the many I have had, is the only unwanted one. Yet, this is the time I get my girl.
Now at more than half way through this unwanted pregnancy, I am really happy about our mistake. I am looking forward to meeting, seeing, and knowing my daughter. I already love Bailey as much as I had loved Thomas and Collin while they were in utero. I already love Bailey as much as I love Thomas and Collin now. She my reason for staying healthy on the inside right now, as the boys are my outside reasoning's.

My daughter, as unwanted as the pregnancy was, as badly as the timing is, I love her with all my heart.

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